Stuart and I have recently decided that we would look into homeschooling Gage and Finn. It has been something I've thought about, however briefly, before. In the light of all those innocent lives lost this past Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School, I started doing some research. While I know I live in Canada, and school shootings/mass shootings of any kind are less likely to take place compared to the States, I still wonder. If I put Gage in school, I'm handing over my most prized possessions (one of my 2 anyway!) and I would want them to teach him and keep him safe exactly as I would. I just don't feel like the school system in place could do the same job I could. Every child learns differently and excels with different teaching styles. There are so many things they don't teach in school that I would like my child to know.
When Stu and I talked about it and made our pros and cons list for both homeschooling and going to public school, the homeschooling list was very appealing.
I plan on sharing more as we continue to do our research, and we still have a little bit of time to figure things out (Gage isn't due to start Junior Kindergarten until September 2013) but I'm excited to blog about this journey as well!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Constant Surprise
I've been blogging a lot about my journey with Dusty lately, so I think I'm due to write about some mom issues.
The last few days I keep stepping back from my life and going "wow, I can't believe I'm a mom!"
It seems a bit nuts to me that I have 2 beautiful boys, that I carried inside me for 9 months, birthed and have raised into healthy active children. I never knew I was capable of so much love, and I'm so lucky that I get to stay home with them and watch them continue to grow and become men. I can't wait for them both to be grown, I can just imagine they will be such tall, strong, good looking men that will hopefully be well adjusted, polite and full of passion for life. I don't want to rush anything and I get so sad when I look at how tiny they used to be (even Finn has grown so much!). I guess I just look forward to each and every stage!
I was thinking this morning about all the things that surprised me about being a mom. I had a particularly rough night with Finn, and while I was feeling pretty rough this morning, I started thinking about a list of "mom surprises" in my head.
Here is some of that list:
#1 The sleep deprivation! Before I had Gage, everyone used to say "sleep while you can, because you won't once baby arrives!" and I always thought to myself "oh whatever, I'll be home on maternity leave, I'll be fine with no sleep!". I was so very wrong. I'm much better this time around with Finn, but with Gage I did NOT handle sleep deprivation well. At all. I had 2 small kitchen fires because I was so tired, that could have turned into something MUCH worse. Just simply because I was too tired to pay attention to what I was doing. I heard a story once about a mom who came home from grocery shopping with her small baby and in the midst of getting the food out of her car, she locked the keys in the car with her baby. She sat on the hood of her car and cried for 2 hours while her baby slept, upset that she had done something so stupid. After she slowly calmed down, she noticed it was getting cold, put her hands in her pocket and SURPRISE, found her keys. That is absolutely something I would do. Hands down.
#2 How NO ONE listens to mom. This goes for my husband as well. I'll tell Gage "Don't do that" only for him to go "no" and leave the room still doing it. I tell him to leave our cats alone and to stop chasing them a MILLION times in a day, only for him to completely 100% ignore me. I'll tell Stu something, whether it be a detail about my day, an appointment in the coming week, or some plans we have for the weekend, only for him to completely not pay attention. A few days later he'll claim I never told him. It makes me want to smack my head repeatedly against a wall.
#3 How much breastfeeding hurts. I've had constant latch problems with Finn, and while I've tried everything, gone for help, watched videos and read article after article about what could possibly STILL be wrong almost 10 weeks after we started, my nipples constantly feel like they are going to fall off at any moment. Sometimes when he wakes up and is hungry, I cry and think "oh no, not again!" It is slowly getting better, but we still have some brutal days.
#4 How hard it is to find "me" time and how often I forget about my own needs. I'm awesome at going out somewhere and making sure I'm completely organized. Both kids will have all they need, be clean, have sippy cups full, extra change of undies, portable potty seat, extra diapers, receiving blankets etc. I'll have everyone with boots and jackets and mittens and hats ON and ready to walk out the door before realizing I'm still in PJ's, wearing slippers and haven't brushed my teeth and haven't eaten anything in 6 hours. Then when I finally do get some "me" time, whether it's going to the barn alone for a few hours (the best thing EVER) or just being able to sit and put makeup on, it goes by WAY WAY WAYYYY too fast. And then all too soon, I'm at home with 2 miserable children with 20 billion demands.
#5 How much patience is required to deal with an almost-3-year-olds everyday adventures. I've never ever been known for patience, at all. Some days I barely hold on by a thread and I wonder how bad it would be if I just lost my shit. Maybe then he'd listen to me?
#6 The cleaning. I'm a neat freak. I HATE a messy house. It's my THING. No matter how tired I am and no matter what is going on that day, I HAVE to at least clean the kitchen and vacuum. At least. It drives me nuts if I don't do something to clean.
#7 How frustrating it is when Gage is loud and wakes Finn up. Like 5 seconds ago. After a horrible rough night of no sleep, I FINALLY just got him to nap and it only lasted 5 minutes. Trying to not take that out on Gage is really really hard.
#8 How strong my stomach is now. I can change poopy diapers, get pooped on, wipe bums, change undies and bed sheets, pick up half chewed food with my bare hands and not even bat an eye. Only thing I can't handle is puke. That is Stu's job.
#9 Making dinner. I have no energy left by that time of day. As much as I would love to have a healthy and hearty dinner ready on the table for when Stu gets home from work, more often then not it's perogies, waffles or bagels. Even that sometimes, takes far too much effort.
#10 How hilarious it is when Gage has a huge tantrum in a store. He JUST started doing this, and is in the "I want" stage. Everyone stares. It's awesome.
#11 How heartbreaking it is when they get hurt and cry, or just get really upset about something. You know that "the world is ending" cry? It so hard to hear!
#12 Not allowing the tv to babysit. It's really easy to put the tv on and let disney junior or treehouse entertain my kid while I relax with a coffee. It's SO hard to get outside and go for a walk sometimes.
#13 How scared and panicked you get when it all goes quiet. Toddlers aren't supposed to be quiet, so when they are, RUN.
#14 How hilarious kids are. They say the funniest things! Gage told me last night while in the bath "hey mama, I'm touching my penis!" ...... ummmm okay? Or how easily they copy what they hear. Stu said once "I'm going to fart in your face!" (which was so not cool to say out of frustration, what came next was all his fault) only for Gage to go "no, I'm going to fart in YOUR face!"..... sigh.
I'm sure there will be many more, I'm going to make sure to add them as I think of them. I also asked some friends on social media to share what they thought as well.
The last few days I keep stepping back from my life and going "wow, I can't believe I'm a mom!"
It seems a bit nuts to me that I have 2 beautiful boys, that I carried inside me for 9 months, birthed and have raised into healthy active children. I never knew I was capable of so much love, and I'm so lucky that I get to stay home with them and watch them continue to grow and become men. I can't wait for them both to be grown, I can just imagine they will be such tall, strong, good looking men that will hopefully be well adjusted, polite and full of passion for life. I don't want to rush anything and I get so sad when I look at how tiny they used to be (even Finn has grown so much!). I guess I just look forward to each and every stage!
I was thinking this morning about all the things that surprised me about being a mom. I had a particularly rough night with Finn, and while I was feeling pretty rough this morning, I started thinking about a list of "mom surprises" in my head.
Here is some of that list:
#1 The sleep deprivation! Before I had Gage, everyone used to say "sleep while you can, because you won't once baby arrives!" and I always thought to myself "oh whatever, I'll be home on maternity leave, I'll be fine with no sleep!". I was so very wrong. I'm much better this time around with Finn, but with Gage I did NOT handle sleep deprivation well. At all. I had 2 small kitchen fires because I was so tired, that could have turned into something MUCH worse. Just simply because I was too tired to pay attention to what I was doing. I heard a story once about a mom who came home from grocery shopping with her small baby and in the midst of getting the food out of her car, she locked the keys in the car with her baby. She sat on the hood of her car and cried for 2 hours while her baby slept, upset that she had done something so stupid. After she slowly calmed down, she noticed it was getting cold, put her hands in her pocket and SURPRISE, found her keys. That is absolutely something I would do. Hands down.
#2 How NO ONE listens to mom. This goes for my husband as well. I'll tell Gage "Don't do that" only for him to go "no" and leave the room still doing it. I tell him to leave our cats alone and to stop chasing them a MILLION times in a day, only for him to completely 100% ignore me. I'll tell Stu something, whether it be a detail about my day, an appointment in the coming week, or some plans we have for the weekend, only for him to completely not pay attention. A few days later he'll claim I never told him. It makes me want to smack my head repeatedly against a wall.
#3 How much breastfeeding hurts. I've had constant latch problems with Finn, and while I've tried everything, gone for help, watched videos and read article after article about what could possibly STILL be wrong almost 10 weeks after we started, my nipples constantly feel like they are going to fall off at any moment. Sometimes when he wakes up and is hungry, I cry and think "oh no, not again!" It is slowly getting better, but we still have some brutal days.
#4 How hard it is to find "me" time and how often I forget about my own needs. I'm awesome at going out somewhere and making sure I'm completely organized. Both kids will have all they need, be clean, have sippy cups full, extra change of undies, portable potty seat, extra diapers, receiving blankets etc. I'll have everyone with boots and jackets and mittens and hats ON and ready to walk out the door before realizing I'm still in PJ's, wearing slippers and haven't brushed my teeth and haven't eaten anything in 6 hours. Then when I finally do get some "me" time, whether it's going to the barn alone for a few hours (the best thing EVER) or just being able to sit and put makeup on, it goes by WAY WAY WAYYYY too fast. And then all too soon, I'm at home with 2 miserable children with 20 billion demands.
#5 How much patience is required to deal with an almost-3-year-olds everyday adventures. I've never ever been known for patience, at all. Some days I barely hold on by a thread and I wonder how bad it would be if I just lost my shit. Maybe then he'd listen to me?
#6 The cleaning. I'm a neat freak. I HATE a messy house. It's my THING. No matter how tired I am and no matter what is going on that day, I HAVE to at least clean the kitchen and vacuum. At least. It drives me nuts if I don't do something to clean.
#7 How frustrating it is when Gage is loud and wakes Finn up. Like 5 seconds ago. After a horrible rough night of no sleep, I FINALLY just got him to nap and it only lasted 5 minutes. Trying to not take that out on Gage is really really hard.
#8 How strong my stomach is now. I can change poopy diapers, get pooped on, wipe bums, change undies and bed sheets, pick up half chewed food with my bare hands and not even bat an eye. Only thing I can't handle is puke. That is Stu's job.
#9 Making dinner. I have no energy left by that time of day. As much as I would love to have a healthy and hearty dinner ready on the table for when Stu gets home from work, more often then not it's perogies, waffles or bagels. Even that sometimes, takes far too much effort.
#10 How hilarious it is when Gage has a huge tantrum in a store. He JUST started doing this, and is in the "I want" stage. Everyone stares. It's awesome.
#11 How heartbreaking it is when they get hurt and cry, or just get really upset about something. You know that "the world is ending" cry? It so hard to hear!
#12 Not allowing the tv to babysit. It's really easy to put the tv on and let disney junior or treehouse entertain my kid while I relax with a coffee. It's SO hard to get outside and go for a walk sometimes.
#13 How scared and panicked you get when it all goes quiet. Toddlers aren't supposed to be quiet, so when they are, RUN.
#14 How hilarious kids are. They say the funniest things! Gage told me last night while in the bath "hey mama, I'm touching my penis!" ...... ummmm okay? Or how easily they copy what they hear. Stu said once "I'm going to fart in your face!" (which was so not cool to say out of frustration, what came next was all his fault) only for Gage to go "no, I'm going to fart in YOUR face!"..... sigh.
I'm sure there will be many more, I'm going to make sure to add them as I think of them. I also asked some friends on social media to share what they thought as well.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Proved Me Wrong
I had my first lesson on Dusty this past weekend with a new coach. To say that I am proud of my horse is the understatement of the year. I went into this new adventure with Dusty with little expectation and some small goals, I was just hoping to have some fun with my horse and get both of us into better shape.
Within one hour, my extra long Quarter Horse proved that even I've been underestimating his abilities. On the lunge line before I even got on, he surprised me by becoming soft, relaxed and balanced. I've never acheived even 1/3 of that in the 9 years I've owned him. All I did was put a side rein only on the inside instead of on both sides. This made it next to impossible for him to lean on and resist, as long as I kept him moving forward, he began to realize that it just made more sense (and less work!) to carry himself properly.
Then I got on, and had him doing a shoulder-in in a square, where he also became completely soft and using his hind end, and eventually we even TROTTED the shoulder-in! That was all something beyond what I thought he'd be capable of doing and looking like we had it together. He's just so impossibly long, I've barely been able to get him to shoulder-in at the walk when I ride him by myself. But this actually felt good, and LOOKED good (or so I was told). I could have cried! And that was just the first lesson!
My coach seems to "get" why I'm wanting to do this, despite having so many people tell me that I should move on from Dusty and ride other horses. People even went as far as trying to convince me to sell him, or lease him out. If we were able to do something like a shoulder-in at the trot on the first lesson, I'm extremely excited to keep this whole journey up. My coach put it as we are starting a new chapter, and asking Dusty to forget about how I've been asking him to do things in the past. He's so hard mouthed, and dead-sided. She told me that we just need to ask him things at the whisper instead of "yelling" because eventually he'll start paying attention and going "what are you saying?". I was hesitant that it would work at first, because Dusty is typically is so stubborn that no matter how much leg I put on him to move over, if he doesn't want to, he just doesn't. But it WORKED. I learned that instead of holding him up and in the position I feel he should be in, I need to ride his hind end first, to ensure that he is under himself properly, and by doing so I'm "inviting" him to "rise" to the occasion and carry himself in front of me. The way my new coach explained all this made so much "click".
I went into this thinking that my biggest challenge would be getting my body to do what I already know needs to be done. To build that muscle up and get myself into better shape. For the most part, I already knew the things Dusty and I needed to work on and fix, but I assumed he'd have a harder time "getting" it then I would. I was so very wrong! My body the next day was very sore, which I was expecting. But the way I was looking at my horse and what he's capable of was also so very wrong. He's been underestimated so many times in the years I've owned him, and looked at as the super long, bombproof, slightly rude, pushy, built-like-a-hunter Quarter Horse that wasn't capable of much and I always stood in his corner. After years of people looking down on him, I just stopped ignoring what others thought of us and our riding relationship. It turns out I really wasn't in his corner as much as I thought and that all those nay-sayers got to me more then I thought. My sweet gelding proved me wrong, and I could totally feel him going "I told you so, mom!" this past weekend when at the end of the lesson I showered him with praise.
I'm so excited to continue this journey with my boy! I've started writing our progress at the end of each ride, just so that when we rock next year's show season, I can look back at where we started and be that much more proud of both of us. I know it's baby steps, and that to most people a shoulder-in, walk or trot, really isn't that big of a deal. But to me, who was told my horse was "worth his weight in gold" and an "awesome school horse for beginners", it's so much more then I thought we'd be capable of in such a short span.
Within one hour, my extra long Quarter Horse proved that even I've been underestimating his abilities. On the lunge line before I even got on, he surprised me by becoming soft, relaxed and balanced. I've never acheived even 1/3 of that in the 9 years I've owned him. All I did was put a side rein only on the inside instead of on both sides. This made it next to impossible for him to lean on and resist, as long as I kept him moving forward, he began to realize that it just made more sense (and less work!) to carry himself properly.
Then I got on, and had him doing a shoulder-in in a square, where he also became completely soft and using his hind end, and eventually we even TROTTED the shoulder-in! That was all something beyond what I thought he'd be capable of doing and looking like we had it together. He's just so impossibly long, I've barely been able to get him to shoulder-in at the walk when I ride him by myself. But this actually felt good, and LOOKED good (or so I was told). I could have cried! And that was just the first lesson!
My coach seems to "get" why I'm wanting to do this, despite having so many people tell me that I should move on from Dusty and ride other horses. People even went as far as trying to convince me to sell him, or lease him out. If we were able to do something like a shoulder-in at the trot on the first lesson, I'm extremely excited to keep this whole journey up. My coach put it as we are starting a new chapter, and asking Dusty to forget about how I've been asking him to do things in the past. He's so hard mouthed, and dead-sided. She told me that we just need to ask him things at the whisper instead of "yelling" because eventually he'll start paying attention and going "what are you saying?". I was hesitant that it would work at first, because Dusty is typically is so stubborn that no matter how much leg I put on him to move over, if he doesn't want to, he just doesn't. But it WORKED. I learned that instead of holding him up and in the position I feel he should be in, I need to ride his hind end first, to ensure that he is under himself properly, and by doing so I'm "inviting" him to "rise" to the occasion and carry himself in front of me. The way my new coach explained all this made so much "click".
I went into this thinking that my biggest challenge would be getting my body to do what I already know needs to be done. To build that muscle up and get myself into better shape. For the most part, I already knew the things Dusty and I needed to work on and fix, but I assumed he'd have a harder time "getting" it then I would. I was so very wrong! My body the next day was very sore, which I was expecting. But the way I was looking at my horse and what he's capable of was also so very wrong. He's been underestimated so many times in the years I've owned him, and looked at as the super long, bombproof, slightly rude, pushy, built-like-a-hunter Quarter Horse that wasn't capable of much and I always stood in his corner. After years of people looking down on him, I just stopped ignoring what others thought of us and our riding relationship. It turns out I really wasn't in his corner as much as I thought and that all those nay-sayers got to me more then I thought. My sweet gelding proved me wrong, and I could totally feel him going "I told you so, mom!" this past weekend when at the end of the lesson I showered him with praise.
I'm so excited to continue this journey with my boy! I've started writing our progress at the end of each ride, just so that when we rock next year's show season, I can look back at where we started and be that much more proud of both of us. I know it's baby steps, and that to most people a shoulder-in, walk or trot, really isn't that big of a deal. But to me, who was told my horse was "worth his weight in gold" and an "awesome school horse for beginners", it's so much more then I thought we'd be capable of in such a short span.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Dusty Update #1
I've officially started riding again!
Yesterday Stuart won "Husband of the Year" by watching all 3 kids while I went to the barn ALONE. It was BLISS! I took my time and spent lots of time with my Dusty!
I took a picture of him "before", because I'm hoping the lessons on him and riding him more regularly will increase some muscle tone. My BM and I joked that he's looking like such a "range pony" in the winter now, because he has such a coat on him, with a longer mane and he only wears one blanket all winter long. It's super cute, I need to buy a western saddle to complete the look! Maybe some cows to herd too? lol.
He's looking good as it is, I just think I can add some muscle in his hind end and hopefully across his back. His old back injury took away a lot of muscle tone and he looks pretty sway backed. He's still such a handsome boy!
I rode him and felt SO sloppy! I have zero riding muscle anymore, and while I felt really out of place in the saddle (I think that's a first!) it also made me more determined to go on this journey of pushing us both to our full potential. My back was aching 5 minutes into riding, and I was determined to not bug his face/mouth but I kept having to stop myself from being heavy handed. It makes me so mad at myself that I was so dumb and naive as a teen in thinking I didn't need a coach!
I know that Dusty will never be a Grand Prix horse, and I won't ever be (and don't want to be) a Grand Prix level rider.... but because of what happened to Mattie, I feel like I need to do this. I like to think of it as while losing Mattie was horrible and affected me deeply, there is some good that has come from it. It has made me look at my time with Dusty so much differently. I hope and pray that I am there for Dusty when it is his time, but I'd like to also be able to look back on my time owning him with zero regrets. For the last several years, I've had Dusty leased out or part boarded to cut the cost of boarding and because I've been so busy living my own life. I moved out of town, moved back, got married and then had 2 babies all in the span of a few years. While he isn't a horse that "needs" a job and is perfectly happy being out with his friends doing absolutely nothing (except eat of course!), I want to in that final moment with him be able to say "look what we did!". He turned 16 this summer, and I NEED him to be around for as long as possible. The best way to do that is to keep him in good physical shape. You can never plan for the end with any animal and be fully prepared, that is definitely one thing I learned from Mattie. It could be any day. I just make sure that I say goodbye to Dusty when I turn him out and so that if it is his time tomorrow, I can say I made sure to give him a kiss goodbye and told him I loved him before he walked towards his buddies in the field. I'm also hoping this journey will improve my relationship with him, so that we both enjoy riding even if it is flatwork. There is a noticeable difference in Dusty's attitude when you point him at a jump, no matter how small it is!
I took Dusty (and Max!) out to the back fields after arena work for a mini hack, and while Dusty has become slightly herd bound and was really unimpressed about heading away from his friends, we still had fun. It was so relaxing and pretty, even for mid November! Max had so much fun at the barn, from the moment I pulled my breeches out of the closet, he never stopped wagging his tail.
Here's some pictures from our hack, as well as Dusty's "before" picture.
Yesterday Stuart won "Husband of the Year" by watching all 3 kids while I went to the barn ALONE. It was BLISS! I took my time and spent lots of time with my Dusty!
I took a picture of him "before", because I'm hoping the lessons on him and riding him more regularly will increase some muscle tone. My BM and I joked that he's looking like such a "range pony" in the winter now, because he has such a coat on him, with a longer mane and he only wears one blanket all winter long. It's super cute, I need to buy a western saddle to complete the look! Maybe some cows to herd too? lol.
He's looking good as it is, I just think I can add some muscle in his hind end and hopefully across his back. His old back injury took away a lot of muscle tone and he looks pretty sway backed. He's still such a handsome boy!
I rode him and felt SO sloppy! I have zero riding muscle anymore, and while I felt really out of place in the saddle (I think that's a first!) it also made me more determined to go on this journey of pushing us both to our full potential. My back was aching 5 minutes into riding, and I was determined to not bug his face/mouth but I kept having to stop myself from being heavy handed. It makes me so mad at myself that I was so dumb and naive as a teen in thinking I didn't need a coach!
I know that Dusty will never be a Grand Prix horse, and I won't ever be (and don't want to be) a Grand Prix level rider.... but because of what happened to Mattie, I feel like I need to do this. I like to think of it as while losing Mattie was horrible and affected me deeply, there is some good that has come from it. It has made me look at my time with Dusty so much differently. I hope and pray that I am there for Dusty when it is his time, but I'd like to also be able to look back on my time owning him with zero regrets. For the last several years, I've had Dusty leased out or part boarded to cut the cost of boarding and because I've been so busy living my own life. I moved out of town, moved back, got married and then had 2 babies all in the span of a few years. While he isn't a horse that "needs" a job and is perfectly happy being out with his friends doing absolutely nothing (except eat of course!), I want to in that final moment with him be able to say "look what we did!". He turned 16 this summer, and I NEED him to be around for as long as possible. The best way to do that is to keep him in good physical shape. You can never plan for the end with any animal and be fully prepared, that is definitely one thing I learned from Mattie. It could be any day. I just make sure that I say goodbye to Dusty when I turn him out and so that if it is his time tomorrow, I can say I made sure to give him a kiss goodbye and told him I loved him before he walked towards his buddies in the field. I'm also hoping this journey will improve my relationship with him, so that we both enjoy riding even if it is flatwork. There is a noticeable difference in Dusty's attitude when you point him at a jump, no matter how small it is!
I took Dusty (and Max!) out to the back fields after arena work for a mini hack, and while Dusty has become slightly herd bound and was really unimpressed about heading away from his friends, we still had fun. It was so relaxing and pretty, even for mid November! Max had so much fun at the barn, from the moment I pulled my breeches out of the closet, he never stopped wagging his tail.
Here's some pictures from our hack, as well as Dusty's "before" picture.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Frankenstorm
The week of Halloween is finally here! Gage has been wearing his fireman costume non-stop since he got it, to the point of me having to hide it because I was worried he would ruin it before trick-or-treating! He's so excited to go out for candy, I'm so sad that there is going to be a storm. I hope by the time he is ready to go out the weather is not so bad, it's not like he'll be hitting up the streets for hours! I think he'll barely finish our street before getting too tired.
Last weekend we took the kids to the barn, so I could see Dusty and so Finn could meet his 4 legged big brother. Gage met Dusty for the first time when he was 3 weeks old, so I thought it fitting that Finn meet him while also 3 weeks old. When Dusty met Gage for the first time, it was something I'll never forget. It was the same this time with Finn as well. Both memories will be something I remember when I'm old and gray. It's the sweetest thing watching him (as in Dusty) curiously snuffle such a small little baby. He even pulled the blankets down off Finn really gently so he could "see" him better. He loves Gage now that he's old enough to interact with him, he tickles him with his whiskers and makes him laugh, and Gage rode Dusty all by himself. I just have to walk slowly in front of Dusty and he follows me wherever I go, but Gage got a huge kick out of it! He kept saying, "look mom! I'm riding a horse!". Dusty is just so good and gentle with kids. I love watching how he is with my own children.
I even rode too, only 3 weeks after giving birth! I was really proud of that fact, because it was a good 8 weeks before I rode after having Gage. I felt so light and relaxed riding, and Dusty seemed to feel that and enjoy the ride too. We just toodled around and did some light work in each direction.
I can't wait until I'll be able to start doing some lessons on him, not only will it be nice to be able to leave the kids at home, but I'm looking forward to being able to ride Dusty properly for the first time.... ever? We have so many bad habits and kinks to work out. I'm excited to start our journey together, as hard as it may be. Too many people underestimate him (and me I think too!) just simply because he's so quiet and well behaved. It will be so fun to show our stuff! I know we can do it.
I'll make sure we take pictures and post our progress. I found some great support from people on a forum I've frequented for years and lots of people telling us to go for it and keep them updated. It's nice to feel so supported, I feel like everyonce else just laughs at us!
Last weekend we took the kids to the barn, so I could see Dusty and so Finn could meet his 4 legged big brother. Gage met Dusty for the first time when he was 3 weeks old, so I thought it fitting that Finn meet him while also 3 weeks old. When Dusty met Gage for the first time, it was something I'll never forget. It was the same this time with Finn as well. Both memories will be something I remember when I'm old and gray. It's the sweetest thing watching him (as in Dusty) curiously snuffle such a small little baby. He even pulled the blankets down off Finn really gently so he could "see" him better. He loves Gage now that he's old enough to interact with him, he tickles him with his whiskers and makes him laugh, and Gage rode Dusty all by himself. I just have to walk slowly in front of Dusty and he follows me wherever I go, but Gage got a huge kick out of it! He kept saying, "look mom! I'm riding a horse!". Dusty is just so good and gentle with kids. I love watching how he is with my own children.
I even rode too, only 3 weeks after giving birth! I was really proud of that fact, because it was a good 8 weeks before I rode after having Gage. I felt so light and relaxed riding, and Dusty seemed to feel that and enjoy the ride too. We just toodled around and did some light work in each direction.
I can't wait until I'll be able to start doing some lessons on him, not only will it be nice to be able to leave the kids at home, but I'm looking forward to being able to ride Dusty properly for the first time.... ever? We have so many bad habits and kinks to work out. I'm excited to start our journey together, as hard as it may be. Too many people underestimate him (and me I think too!) just simply because he's so quiet and well behaved. It will be so fun to show our stuff! I know we can do it.
I'll make sure we take pictures and post our progress. I found some great support from people on a forum I've frequented for years and lots of people telling us to go for it and keep them updated. It's nice to feel so supported, I feel like everyonce else just laughs at us!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Like a Weed....
Finn is growing like a weed! It makes me so sad already, I love the teeny tiny newborn stage. I've already had to put away clothes he's grown out of.
Stu is away for work again this week, which was unexpected and has made for a very difficult week. He's been away from Finn longer then he's been alive. We weren't anticipating that he'd have to go away 2 weeks in a row, or at all, so soon after Finn was born. I don't know how single mom's do it, my hat is off to them, I certainly couldn't do this 24/7 and stay sane.
Gage has been so hilarious with my breastfeeding Finn. He asks so many questions, and I've done my best to answer honestly. It's perfectly natural and I want him to see it that way too. We have been going out for a walk every day and then we play outside, and last week he stepped on a cricket (the kid is just BRUTAL to bugs!) and it wasn't completely dead, just half-squished. He turned to me in a panic and YELLED, "Mommy! I need your booby, quick! I have to give the bug milk to make him feel better!". I almost peed myself laughing. The things kids say! That quote will absolutely be re-told at his wedding. I'm never letting him live it down.
Breastfeeding this time around with Finn has been more of a challenge then with Gage. With Gage, my biggest struggle was sitting up to nurse because I had such a difficult recovery. We were inexperienced, so it took a bit to figure out the latch, etc, but it wasn't so bad. This time around, Finn has had a hard time figuring out a good latch. He has a tiny little jaw line and mouth, so even with opening his mouth wide and rooting, he tends to only get the nipple. It's made for some painful feedings! He's getting better, I've just found that every other night he wants to be awake and nurse all night, and the rest of the time he's up every 2 hours, on the dot, and falls asleep as soon as he's finished nursing. I'm taking it all one feeding at a time, in order to make it through. I've also found a lot of support from friends that have been in my spot before and have really helped me feel like I'm not alone and that things will get better. It has taken a lot of perserverance, and it makes me sad how so many mom's, especially first time mom's, find it so easy to give up and go to bottle feeding with formula. Breastfeeding is NOT easy. I was that first time mom that after a hard night, went and made a bottle with one of the many cans of formula I'd received in the mail for free and then there was no turning back once I had. This time around there is no formula in the house, and no bottles. I'm really determined to do it this time around, because I know it gets easier and then both Finn and I will really enjoy the bonding experience that I feel I missed out with Gage.
To all the breastfeeding mom's out there that are struggling, hang in there!
I wish I could post more but someone is waking up hungry, so duty calls!
Stu is away for work again this week, which was unexpected and has made for a very difficult week. He's been away from Finn longer then he's been alive. We weren't anticipating that he'd have to go away 2 weeks in a row, or at all, so soon after Finn was born. I don't know how single mom's do it, my hat is off to them, I certainly couldn't do this 24/7 and stay sane.
Gage has been so hilarious with my breastfeeding Finn. He asks so many questions, and I've done my best to answer honestly. It's perfectly natural and I want him to see it that way too. We have been going out for a walk every day and then we play outside, and last week he stepped on a cricket (the kid is just BRUTAL to bugs!) and it wasn't completely dead, just half-squished. He turned to me in a panic and YELLED, "Mommy! I need your booby, quick! I have to give the bug milk to make him feel better!". I almost peed myself laughing. The things kids say! That quote will absolutely be re-told at his wedding. I'm never letting him live it down.
Breastfeeding this time around with Finn has been more of a challenge then with Gage. With Gage, my biggest struggle was sitting up to nurse because I had such a difficult recovery. We were inexperienced, so it took a bit to figure out the latch, etc, but it wasn't so bad. This time around, Finn has had a hard time figuring out a good latch. He has a tiny little jaw line and mouth, so even with opening his mouth wide and rooting, he tends to only get the nipple. It's made for some painful feedings! He's getting better, I've just found that every other night he wants to be awake and nurse all night, and the rest of the time he's up every 2 hours, on the dot, and falls asleep as soon as he's finished nursing. I'm taking it all one feeding at a time, in order to make it through. I've also found a lot of support from friends that have been in my spot before and have really helped me feel like I'm not alone and that things will get better. It has taken a lot of perserverance, and it makes me sad how so many mom's, especially first time mom's, find it so easy to give up and go to bottle feeding with formula. Breastfeeding is NOT easy. I was that first time mom that after a hard night, went and made a bottle with one of the many cans of formula I'd received in the mail for free and then there was no turning back once I had. This time around there is no formula in the house, and no bottles. I'm really determined to do it this time around, because I know it gets easier and then both Finn and I will really enjoy the bonding experience that I feel I missed out with Gage.
To all the breastfeeding mom's out there that are struggling, hang in there!
I wish I could post more but someone is waking up hungry, so duty calls!
Monday, October 15, 2012
"Mirror Mirror on the Wall"
I've wanted to post about this subject for a while now, but haven't.
Mostly because it's not about my biological child, and I don't necessarily feel right about that. Once you put something on the internet, it's out there forever.
That being said, I think maybe my experience as a step mom can possibly help someone in similar shoes.
Stu has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 7 years old. Her name is Jade, and she's been in my life since she was 3. She's adorable, silly, and in many ways just like her dad. I was really young when Stu and I started dating, and while I love kids I was no where NEAR prepared for being a stepmom. I've never really even considered myself a "stepmom", I've never tried to be a mother figure to Jade. She has a mother already. We have her on the weekends, for approximately 24 hours and usually we also have her for holidays (or we try to anyways).
I have strong opinions and I am fiercely loyal. Sometimes to a fault. I think my role as a "stepmom" has been the hardest role I've ever been in. I've been completely out of my element from day one, and despite many, many, many efforts to get along with all sides and be a good "stepmom" (or even just a friend!), I feel like a complete failure. Completely. I think at this point, after over 4 years, I've exhausted every effort.
The beginning of my step mom journey was very rocky and difficult. Stu and Jade's mom never (and I mean NEVER) got along, and I listened to fight after fight. I listened to Jade's mom call me horrible names over the phone, and I listened to her call Stu horrible things. I even had a friend over hear her at the park telling a friend about how I'm this horrible person. I've never once intervened. I've always left it up to Stu to deal with because I know by interfering, I'd only make everything worse. It's been hard to bite my tongue, but I've done it. I've stood and listened to them yell at each other, or more commonly, her yell at Stu, both before and after we were actually married, and I've been livid but never said a word. Slowly over the years, the fighting decreased and they now get along more often then not. There is still the odd time there is an argument, or something said rudely in tongue and cheek, but Stu is not one for fighting and confrontation, so for the most part he just ignores it. I think I was able to make it through the beginning because half of me was naive and thought "it will get better over time" and the other half of me was just so flabberghasted by the things being said that I didn't know how to respond. I have just always concentrated on making Jade comfortable in our home, and ensuring she has a clean room, clean sheets, toys to play with and clothes to wear. I do her hair in the mornings and make sure Stu remembers to wash her hair at bath time (being a man, that seems to slip his mind often, lol). I do her laundry, buy her birthday gifts and plan her birthday parties, and I buy her Christmas gifts too.
I've tried to be Jade's friend, or just talk to her normally like I assume a stepmom would, and we've set rules for our house that both Stu and I enforce. She's always really polite and well behaved, so we've never had any sort of issues with her. Really our rules are more "make your bed every morning" and "clean your room before going back to your mom's". It seems no matter how well her and I get along one weekend, by the next weekend I have to make this huge effort all over again to have her even just say "hello" to me when she walks in the door. It's like my relationship with her is erased every weekend. She's noticeably uncomfortable with me, and I have no idea why.
I've made a lot of effort over the years to form a close relationship with Jade, and even her mom. Last year, after a fight between both parents, I went to the library looking for books that were "self help" for step mom's. I found this great book about how making that small effort to be nice goes a long way, and the one to truly benefit from all parent figures getting along is the child, which of course is what we all want for Jade, I'm sure. I talked to Stu about it and the next weekend Jade came over, it was her mom's birthday. Jade and I baked her cookies, bought a card, everything. She never said thank you. Never acknowledged my birthday. Stu's birthday was only aknowledged because I texted her asking to have Jade call him and said Happy Birthday. I've made efforts to smile and say hello, only to be met by coldness.
It's exhausting. As horrible as it sounds, I've given up. I'm not going to force a child to have a relationship with me when it's so obvious she doesn't want it. Of course, I still make an effort, but for the most part I involve myself with my own 2 boys and that means Jade can have daddy/daughter time with Stu.
I can't talk to Stu about a lot of this, because Jade is his daughter and he doesn't and can't see things as I do. I sometimes feel completely alone in my thoughts and like I can't talk to anyone about it because no one I know is in a situation like mine. I'm sure at some point it will all blow up in our faces, but until then I've found that keeping quiet is what works best (well, until I wrote this!).
Being a stepmom is really hard. I've even found it more challenging then my role as a mother. I've tried everything I can think of to make this role easier on me, on Jade, on Stuart and on Jade's mom, only to fail miserably. I feel like a lot of the problem exists because I'm the only one making the effort.
I hope that one day when Jade is older, a teen or older, I can sit down and talk to her about all this.
I really hope that by posting this to the blog, I don't have anything bite me in the ass. I hope instead it maybe is read by another stepmom that feels like a failure, so she doesn't have to feel as alone.
Mostly because it's not about my biological child, and I don't necessarily feel right about that. Once you put something on the internet, it's out there forever.
That being said, I think maybe my experience as a step mom can possibly help someone in similar shoes.
Stu has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 7 years old. Her name is Jade, and she's been in my life since she was 3. She's adorable, silly, and in many ways just like her dad. I was really young when Stu and I started dating, and while I love kids I was no where NEAR prepared for being a stepmom. I've never really even considered myself a "stepmom", I've never tried to be a mother figure to Jade. She has a mother already. We have her on the weekends, for approximately 24 hours and usually we also have her for holidays (or we try to anyways).
I have strong opinions and I am fiercely loyal. Sometimes to a fault. I think my role as a "stepmom" has been the hardest role I've ever been in. I've been completely out of my element from day one, and despite many, many, many efforts to get along with all sides and be a good "stepmom" (or even just a friend!), I feel like a complete failure. Completely. I think at this point, after over 4 years, I've exhausted every effort.
The beginning of my step mom journey was very rocky and difficult. Stu and Jade's mom never (and I mean NEVER) got along, and I listened to fight after fight. I listened to Jade's mom call me horrible names over the phone, and I listened to her call Stu horrible things. I even had a friend over hear her at the park telling a friend about how I'm this horrible person. I've never once intervened. I've always left it up to Stu to deal with because I know by interfering, I'd only make everything worse. It's been hard to bite my tongue, but I've done it. I've stood and listened to them yell at each other, or more commonly, her yell at Stu, both before and after we were actually married, and I've been livid but never said a word. Slowly over the years, the fighting decreased and they now get along more often then not. There is still the odd time there is an argument, or something said rudely in tongue and cheek, but Stu is not one for fighting and confrontation, so for the most part he just ignores it. I think I was able to make it through the beginning because half of me was naive and thought "it will get better over time" and the other half of me was just so flabberghasted by the things being said that I didn't know how to respond. I have just always concentrated on making Jade comfortable in our home, and ensuring she has a clean room, clean sheets, toys to play with and clothes to wear. I do her hair in the mornings and make sure Stu remembers to wash her hair at bath time (being a man, that seems to slip his mind often, lol). I do her laundry, buy her birthday gifts and plan her birthday parties, and I buy her Christmas gifts too.
I've tried to be Jade's friend, or just talk to her normally like I assume a stepmom would, and we've set rules for our house that both Stu and I enforce. She's always really polite and well behaved, so we've never had any sort of issues with her. Really our rules are more "make your bed every morning" and "clean your room before going back to your mom's". It seems no matter how well her and I get along one weekend, by the next weekend I have to make this huge effort all over again to have her even just say "hello" to me when she walks in the door. It's like my relationship with her is erased every weekend. She's noticeably uncomfortable with me, and I have no idea why.
I've made a lot of effort over the years to form a close relationship with Jade, and even her mom. Last year, after a fight between both parents, I went to the library looking for books that were "self help" for step mom's. I found this great book about how making that small effort to be nice goes a long way, and the one to truly benefit from all parent figures getting along is the child, which of course is what we all want for Jade, I'm sure. I talked to Stu about it and the next weekend Jade came over, it was her mom's birthday. Jade and I baked her cookies, bought a card, everything. She never said thank you. Never acknowledged my birthday. Stu's birthday was only aknowledged because I texted her asking to have Jade call him and said Happy Birthday. I've made efforts to smile and say hello, only to be met by coldness.
It's exhausting. As horrible as it sounds, I've given up. I'm not going to force a child to have a relationship with me when it's so obvious she doesn't want it. Of course, I still make an effort, but for the most part I involve myself with my own 2 boys and that means Jade can have daddy/daughter time with Stu.
I can't talk to Stu about a lot of this, because Jade is his daughter and he doesn't and can't see things as I do. I sometimes feel completely alone in my thoughts and like I can't talk to anyone about it because no one I know is in a situation like mine. I'm sure at some point it will all blow up in our faces, but until then I've found that keeping quiet is what works best (well, until I wrote this!).
Being a stepmom is really hard. I've even found it more challenging then my role as a mother. I've tried everything I can think of to make this role easier on me, on Jade, on Stuart and on Jade's mom, only to fail miserably. I feel like a lot of the problem exists because I'm the only one making the effort.
I hope that one day when Jade is older, a teen or older, I can sit down and talk to her about all this.
I really hope that by posting this to the blog, I don't have anything bite me in the ass. I hope instead it maybe is read by another stepmom that feels like a failure, so she doesn't have to feel as alone.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Sleep? What's that?
So far, I've survived my first week alone with both boys! Stu's first week back to work after Finn's birth took him a few hours away for work, and he's been staying in hotels all week. It's been the hardest and most challenging week of my life, but we've made it. So far. Only one night alone before he comes home tomorrow!
Gage has been challenging lately, he seems to pick the time I'm seated and nursing Finn to get into something troublesome, like he knows I can't move or do anything but talk to him. Being patient is not my strong point, but being patient while sleep deprived has been even harder.
Finn and I have had a few problems, all minor, while nursing. With Gage, I struggled to breastfeed because I had such a difficult recovery and it hurt to sit. We had some small problems with our latch, but figured it out pretty quickly. He just had such a sensitive belly and I had such a plain diet in order to keep him happy. With Finn, we've had more latch problems. He doens't open his mouth wide enough, and while I was hugely engorged (I had what Stu called "porno boobs") he got into the bad habit of only latching onto my nipple, so he made me really really REALLY sore. I'm grateful for the post partem care from my midwives this time around, because they've been super helpful in correcting the latch. We finally got things figured out, only for Finn to have his first growth spurt and want to nurse 24/7. Of course, it HAD to happen while Stu was away. It made for some LONG nights. He would eat and eat and eat and then be so full he'd throw it all up, make a huge mess, then want to eat again.
With Gage, I was for whatever reason, really reluctant to ask for breastfeeding help. I just told anyone who asked that we were all good and no problems. This time, I've asked for help and I've found some incredible resources online that have made a world of difference. Just a supportive community of other breastfeeding mom's can be such a huge help!
While I know it's harder on me in the beginning to breastfeed, or at least it has been for me because we've hit a few little speedbumps, I know it gets easier. That would be the advice that I give to anyone just starting out and are afraid of the world of breastfeeding. It's HARD work. It's frustrating sometimes, and at first you have no idea what you and baby are doing. But It gets better, and sometime around the one month mark, it becomes flawlessly easy. It is definitely not something I regret doing for a second, despite the lack of sleep and the sore nipples and the porno boobs.
I don't think any blog posts will be very long for the next little bit, as I've written this Finn has pooped and Gage has disappeared and is being very quiet. Never a good sign!
Here are some breastfeeding resources!
www.theleakyboob.com
http://www.nbci.ca/
Gage has been challenging lately, he seems to pick the time I'm seated and nursing Finn to get into something troublesome, like he knows I can't move or do anything but talk to him. Being patient is not my strong point, but being patient while sleep deprived has been even harder.
Finn and I have had a few problems, all minor, while nursing. With Gage, I struggled to breastfeed because I had such a difficult recovery and it hurt to sit. We had some small problems with our latch, but figured it out pretty quickly. He just had such a sensitive belly and I had such a plain diet in order to keep him happy. With Finn, we've had more latch problems. He doens't open his mouth wide enough, and while I was hugely engorged (I had what Stu called "porno boobs") he got into the bad habit of only latching onto my nipple, so he made me really really REALLY sore. I'm grateful for the post partem care from my midwives this time around, because they've been super helpful in correcting the latch. We finally got things figured out, only for Finn to have his first growth spurt and want to nurse 24/7. Of course, it HAD to happen while Stu was away. It made for some LONG nights. He would eat and eat and eat and then be so full he'd throw it all up, make a huge mess, then want to eat again.
With Gage, I was for whatever reason, really reluctant to ask for breastfeeding help. I just told anyone who asked that we were all good and no problems. This time, I've asked for help and I've found some incredible resources online that have made a world of difference. Just a supportive community of other breastfeeding mom's can be such a huge help!
While I know it's harder on me in the beginning to breastfeed, or at least it has been for me because we've hit a few little speedbumps, I know it gets easier. That would be the advice that I give to anyone just starting out and are afraid of the world of breastfeeding. It's HARD work. It's frustrating sometimes, and at first you have no idea what you and baby are doing. But It gets better, and sometime around the one month mark, it becomes flawlessly easy. It is definitely not something I regret doing for a second, despite the lack of sleep and the sore nipples and the porno boobs.
I don't think any blog posts will be very long for the next little bit, as I've written this Finn has pooped and Gage has disappeared and is being very quiet. Never a good sign!
Here are some breastfeeding resources!
www.theleakyboob.com
http://www.nbci.ca/
Friday, October 5, 2012
He's here! Finnigan's Birth Story....
Finnigan (Finn) was born one week ago, on the 28th at 6:16am. It was a perfect waterbirth here at home.
I'm so excited to share my birth story, and seeing as it's only a week after the fact I'm going to try to not get all post-prego emotional. It'll be hard though!
Last week at my midwife appointment, I found out I was 2 cms dilated. I was having a bad/hard week because Stu was away for work and the days with Gage while so uncomfortably pregnant were long and hard. I was exhausted by noon. I called Stu while in the parking lot after the appointment and told him that I really just needed him to come home. Luckily he has an amazing boss and was told to take however long he needed. Seeing as my biggest concern was him not making it home in time for the delivery, I was so relieved.
While I was horribly uncomfortable the rest of the day, and all day the next, there was still no "real" labor. I was glad to have Stu home to spend time with Gage. Thursday night I stayed up a little late and watched my fave shows on TV (Grey's and Scandal!) and around 10:30pm I started to get some contractions that were 3 minutes apart, but not horribly strong. Seeing as I'd had so many false starts already, I just shrugged my shoulders and took some gravol to help me sleep.
I woke up at 1am with strong contractions that were still 2-3 minutes apart. I woke Stu up and we counted a few of them before calling my midwife. She told me that I should count them and make sure there's a real pattern for the next hour, and then call her back and that she would slowly be getting herself ready too. I stretched out on my side in bed while Stu watched TV and we timed contractions. They stayed 2-3 minutes apart but they got stronger steadily. We called my midwife back after the hour and she said she was on her way. Stu called my mom and dad, who answered the phone pretty darn fast for it being 2am and told them "it's time!".
My midwife arrived soon after calling her and sat with me for a few contractions. We joked that we knew it was time because I wasn't as chatty as normal lol. I was having to really keep myself relaxed through each contraction at this point, because I was determined to let my body progress as it should and I knew that in order for it to do so I needed to keep every muscle still. Trish checked me and I was 5-6 cms dilated. Stu got the tub blown up and ready, and I couldn't wait to climb into the warm water. My midwife set up her equipment and my parents arrived with coffee for Stu. My mom snuck upstairs to see me and wish me luck, then quietly went downstairs to wait.
The tub took no time at all to get ready, and Stu helped me climb in. It was unbelievable how much better I felt, and how much it took the edge off each contraction. I can't imagine not having the water! Shortly after, the 2nd midwife arrived. Both midwives finished setting up their equipment, making our room look like a mini hospital suite, while Stu rubbed my back and sat with me through contractions. They kept getting more intense, and I was able to move around in the tub to feel more comfortable. I would lean forward over the side and hold Stu's jean pockets while I relaxed every muscle. I felt like at this point I had a really good handle on things and I managed to keep in a good zone. We even joked a little between contractions. My midwives seemed to read my mind, and every time I had a rough contraction that was a little harder to get through, they started saying such positive words of encouragement and it worked so well for me. They kept saying "your doing this, and handling it all so beautifully!" and it made me feel like I was almost there and that I could do it.
I really have no concept of time at this point, and everything seemed to be taking forever, but I was trying so hard to just stay relaxed and stay in each moment. The minute I started to think too much I became overwhelmed. Contractions got really intense, and so hard to get through alone. I would not have managed without Stu. He is always really laid back and calm, and he was my rock through the entire ordeal. He kept telling me I could do it and I was so close. Near the end we actually heard Gage wake up (I think it was around 5:30am) which we suspected would happen because of all the excitement and people coming and going. My mom met him in the hallway and he went downstairs for breakfast with my parents. He was so excited when he learned that his baby brother was on his way!
Because I had an epidural with Gage, I felt the urge to push but not NEARLY as strong as I did this time around. I didn't recognize it right away as the urge to "push", I thought it was just contractions getting REALLY strong. After 2 or 3 VERY strong contractions I started to listen to my body and slowly push. It felt SOOOOOO much better. The urge was so strong, and once I started I couldn't stop. As the baby was crowning, I got the urge to throw up, which was HORRIBLE, because anyone that knows me even just a little knows how much I HATE to puke. Right after the horrible throwing up experience, which REALLY was the worst part of the whole labor, my midwife told me that my water had never broken (I wasn't sure, because I was in the water already and hadn't felt a "gush") which means the baby would be born in the water sac (also known as a caul). I'd heard of it before, and knew it was really rare and that it was supposed to be a good luck omen for that baby. The whole pushing part of the labor didn't last long, I didn't feel like I should take a break at any point, so I just continued to push as my body told me to until he was out. Pulling him out of the water and bringing him to my chest was one of the best moments of my life. Right up there with Gage's birth and my wedding day!
The first thing I said was "he looks like Gage!" (and he does) and then I looked at Stu in disbelief and said "I did it!". I thought I would cry uncontrollably, but I think I was in such shock that I REALLY had done it without medication and on my own terms. A week has passed and I still haven't accepted it all! The emotions involved and the adrenaline I felt immediately after were nothing I've ever experienced before and probably will never experience again.
I sat in the tub with baby Finn on my chest for a little bit, getting to know each other. Stu was leaning over my shoulder and excitedly checking out his new baby. We got out of the tub slowly and one midwife tended to me while the other took baby Finn and had Stu cut the cord. I was wrapped in towels and laid down on my bed with Finn on my chest. He was really quiet when he was born, no crying, nothing. He whimpered when we got out of the tub and was taken away from me for the cord cut, then calmed right back down once he was with me again. He did the "breast crawl" and latched on within minutes.
I did have a small tear, which I was really scared about, but it was only because I'd torn with Gage. It's not NEARLY as bad as with Gage, in fact, the same day Finn was born I was able to sit perfectly normal in a wooden chair with no discomfort. A week later and I feel like I didn't even have a baby.
Stu held baby while I got up and into the shower. It was so nice to shower! I washed my hair and even contemplated shaving my legs before getting out. I climbed into comfy pajamas and crawled back into bed (the midwives were cleaning up the room and putting it all back to normal) and then one of the midwives weighed Finn. I didn't think he looked as big as Gage when he was born, Gage seemed so much more solid. I guessed he would weigh about 8 pounds, and Stu guessed 7 something. Once again, same as with Gage, we were blown away when they announced he was 9 pounds! 1 oz less then his big brother!
My parents knew at this point that there was a baby, and were DYING to come upstairs and meet him. Morning was in full swing and my mom made us a plate of food. Once the midwives tidied everything up, my parents and Gage came upstairs. Gage crawled into bed between Stu and I and held Finn. The look of awe on his face was unforgettable. He kissed his brother on the head and told him "I love you baby brother". My mom teared up as she held him, and everyone confirmed that he was (is) perfect.
My parents took Gage out to the park to play, then took him for pancakes. Stu and I curled up in bed with Finn and napped. I couldn't stop looking at him (and I still can't!), he's just so perfect!
After one week, he's been such a good baby. He never cries, is awake for long periods and so calm and curious. I know newborns can't see much but blurry shapes, but he looks RIGHT at us and follows Gage's voice when he's close by. He makes lots of little snorting noises and he sneezes like my dad.
I feel 100% better this time compared to last time with Gage. I think this time I have more patience, and sleep deprivation (so far) hasn't been so bad. It's hard to be tired when you have a sweet little baby to cuddle at 3am! I'm actually a little sad that I didn't educate myself about midwives sooner so that I could have a better experience then I did with Gage. While I don't plan on having any more babies (at all, ever) I can't imagine ever going to the hospital again for something like childbirth. Because this is our last baby, I've taken advantage of every second so that I can remember everything about Finn being this tiny. I LOVE the newborn stage, and I know one day I'll miss it so much.
Here's a link to information about babies born "in the caul", like Finn was.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caul
Friday, September 21, 2012
Proud Mommy
2 posts in 2 days.... wooo!
Over the last several weeks, I've been thinking a lot about my blog post titled "Don't Prod the Prego". It really made me think about how mom's can have such a hard time finding somewhere safe and supportive to get advice, friendship or just a shoulder to lean on when having that inevitable bad day. Being a mom is the best job in the world, but it's also the hardest. No mom should feel alone or feel like she can't post on a community forum or even their own social networking site. Instead of being so divided, we need to be supportive of one another. We are raising the next generation afterall!
I decided to put these thoughts into action. I created a site with forums for mom's to post whatever they think. It's a place for no judgement- at all- and to seek advice and friendship from other mom's. This site is temporary, mostly because I want to make sure there is enough interest, but also because with this baby due in less then 2 weeks now, I'm not sure I'll have the time to dedicate to a larger site. Eventually, it will be something much larger (I have tons of ideas!) I just need to get past this stage in my life first and get into a routine as a family of 4 (really, 5).
The link to the site I set up today is www.proudmommy.forumotion.com
Please become a member and spread the word!
Over the last several weeks, I've been thinking a lot about my blog post titled "Don't Prod the Prego". It really made me think about how mom's can have such a hard time finding somewhere safe and supportive to get advice, friendship or just a shoulder to lean on when having that inevitable bad day. Being a mom is the best job in the world, but it's also the hardest. No mom should feel alone or feel like she can't post on a community forum or even their own social networking site. Instead of being so divided, we need to be supportive of one another. We are raising the next generation afterall!
I decided to put these thoughts into action. I created a site with forums for mom's to post whatever they think. It's a place for no judgement- at all- and to seek advice and friendship from other mom's. This site is temporary, mostly because I want to make sure there is enough interest, but also because with this baby due in less then 2 weeks now, I'm not sure I'll have the time to dedicate to a larger site. Eventually, it will be something much larger (I have tons of ideas!) I just need to get past this stage in my life first and get into a routine as a family of 4 (really, 5).
The link to the site I set up today is www.proudmommy.forumotion.com
Please become a member and spread the word!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
One Uncomfortable Mama
I know I haven't posted recently, mostly because I feel absolutely miserable and have nothing positive to write about! lol
I forgot the feeling of being sick of pregnancy, and I forgot how irritable/impatient I get with it all. My poor Stu and Gage. And the dog seems to get the worst of it. I think all 3 have learned to just stay out of the same room I'm in.
I've been trying very hard to convince myself that when this baby arrives I'll actually miss being pregnant. This is my last baby, our last baby, so I've been attempting to enjoy every moment and remember the good feelings of pregnancy. It's been so hard, I'm not one of those glowing women that loves being pregnant, quite the opposite really!
I started to become so anxious about going into labor, or more how I would go into labor. With Gage, I walked around 5 cms for a few days without even realizing it and walked into the hospital just feeling minorly uncomfortable. I keep expecting the same thing this time, and for me to not even know I'm in labor. Last week I was a wreck about it all. Now I've finally accepted that this baby will just come when he's ready, that I will absolutely know when that time is, even if it's the most subtle of signs. I think I know my body well enough to tell me when it's ready. I don't think I'll be making it to October, in fact, I'll be absolutely shocked if I do.
At least I don't have to worry about that massive rush to the hospital! I think (or hope!) that everything will just be very calm. Stuart has been working a lot lately, so I'm just really hoping he's home when I go into labor instead of having to call him home from work.
I know this is a short post, but I now need to go give Gage a bath, somehow, with horrible heartburn and no idea how I'm going to lift him into and out of the bathtub.
I can't wait to have my body back!
I forgot the feeling of being sick of pregnancy, and I forgot how irritable/impatient I get with it all. My poor Stu and Gage. And the dog seems to get the worst of it. I think all 3 have learned to just stay out of the same room I'm in.
I've been trying very hard to convince myself that when this baby arrives I'll actually miss being pregnant. This is my last baby, our last baby, so I've been attempting to enjoy every moment and remember the good feelings of pregnancy. It's been so hard, I'm not one of those glowing women that loves being pregnant, quite the opposite really!
I started to become so anxious about going into labor, or more how I would go into labor. With Gage, I walked around 5 cms for a few days without even realizing it and walked into the hospital just feeling minorly uncomfortable. I keep expecting the same thing this time, and for me to not even know I'm in labor. Last week I was a wreck about it all. Now I've finally accepted that this baby will just come when he's ready, that I will absolutely know when that time is, even if it's the most subtle of signs. I think I know my body well enough to tell me when it's ready. I don't think I'll be making it to October, in fact, I'll be absolutely shocked if I do.
At least I don't have to worry about that massive rush to the hospital! I think (or hope!) that everything will just be very calm. Stuart has been working a lot lately, so I'm just really hoping he's home when I go into labor instead of having to call him home from work.
I know this is a short post, but I now need to go give Gage a bath, somehow, with horrible heartburn and no idea how I'm going to lift him into and out of the bathtub.
I can't wait to have my body back!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Don't Prod the Prego!
This pregnancy has taught me so much about myself. The last 35 weeks have been full of so many events, large and not so large, that have been exhausting but rewarding. I'm not typically an optimistic person, and optimistic people generally annoy the hell out of me, but I've really needed some positivity this pregnancy.
I consider myself really blessed that my family and close friends are really supportive of our decision for a home birth. When we went to our Home Birth Info Night earlier in pregnancy that was put on by our midwives, we learned that some moms-to-be are not so lucky.
Then again, anyone that does disagree with our option to home birth, wouldn't really concern me. It's what suits us, what we both feel is best for us, and no one else can really have a strong enough opinion that will sway us. Anytime that a friend or acquaintance has raised a bit of concern, we calmly deal with it, and simply explain why we feel it is best for us.
That all being said, every single one of my friends (and family) knows I am strongly opinionated. I have strong morals and beliefs for myself and for how we are to raise our family and I'm not afraid of voicing those beliefs. I don't think that because they are beliefs they are the ONLY thing that is right, I just believe that it is right for my family. I have several friends who disagree with one thing or another, and we are still friends. It is just a matter of opinion, and our friendship is generally stronger then that opinion. Because of this, I have no problems posting something on a social networking site, for example an article about something I agree with, and having other people see my stance on that particular issue. It's general common sense, that if you don't like it, don't read it. If you disagree, and feel the need to comment and say so, I have no problems with that.... I enjoy a good conversation discussing the different sides/beliefs to something! I actually love a good "debate". I don't post information about something I believe in (or don't believe in, in some instances) just to piss people off or to offend people on purpose, and it generally annoys me when people take social networking sites so seriously. Any one of the people I have on facebook, or twitter, have the freedom to post whatever they wish, and not be attacked because of it. My best friend could post "I love meat, meat is awesome!" and I probably "like" the status just to be silly. I'm not going to attack her just because she loves meat. Or unfriend her. Or never talk to her again.
So many parents learn quickly that if you openly express how you feel about a two-sided issue, you better be prepared to put on your flame suit. I learned quickly after becoming a mom to Gage that if you scroll through some of the Community forums on Baby Center or The Bump, mom's can be brutally vicious about their beliefs. I recently read a forum where a mom started a thread looking for more information regarding not vaccinating her children and how to go about registering them for school and about 23 moms (I counted) ripped her to shreds over her decision to not vaccinate. I've also read the same about a mom who after having a hard time breastfeeding her newborn baby, decided to feed formula from a bottle and instead of getting support for her hard and guilt-ridden decision, she was also ripped to shreds.
While a Community Board is much different from a social networking site where generally you ONLY have friends, I strongly believe (haha) that both should be supportive for mom's. As a new mom to Gage, I was terrified of posting on those boards with my breastfeeding issues, and instead of posting online trying to find some support, I just bottlefed him formula. I know there must be other mom's out there that feel the same.
I hate to lose a friend for any reason, but even more so just because they don't "like" my opinion about something I believe in. Or that I posted that belief on a social networking site. The way I see it all, is if someone is so easily offended by my belief in something to stop being my friend, then they must not have been a valuable friend in the first place!
So just to clarify:
I believe in breastfeeding as long as possible.
I believe in raising my family eating a vegetarian diet, and would love to transition to veganism.
I believe in being a stay at home mom to my children, until they are in school, to ensure that they get everything they need for the best possible start in life... and only I can give them that.
I believe that if you don't like something in your life, only you have the power to change it.
I believe in rescuing/adopting pets instead of purchasing from a pet store or breeder
I believe that IF YOU GET A DOG OR CAT, YOU SHOULD SPAY OR NEUTER THEM!! Can't afford it? DON'T GET THE DOG OR CAT IN THE FIRST PLACE! (Last 2 unrelated, I know, but I couldn't resist).
And lastly, but certainly not least, I do not believe in circumcision and will not circumcise my sons.
*Puts flame suit on*
Feel free to flame away! :)
I consider myself really blessed that my family and close friends are really supportive of our decision for a home birth. When we went to our Home Birth Info Night earlier in pregnancy that was put on by our midwives, we learned that some moms-to-be are not so lucky.
Then again, anyone that does disagree with our option to home birth, wouldn't really concern me. It's what suits us, what we both feel is best for us, and no one else can really have a strong enough opinion that will sway us. Anytime that a friend or acquaintance has raised a bit of concern, we calmly deal with it, and simply explain why we feel it is best for us.
That all being said, every single one of my friends (and family) knows I am strongly opinionated. I have strong morals and beliefs for myself and for how we are to raise our family and I'm not afraid of voicing those beliefs. I don't think that because they are beliefs they are the ONLY thing that is right, I just believe that it is right for my family. I have several friends who disagree with one thing or another, and we are still friends. It is just a matter of opinion, and our friendship is generally stronger then that opinion. Because of this, I have no problems posting something on a social networking site, for example an article about something I agree with, and having other people see my stance on that particular issue. It's general common sense, that if you don't like it, don't read it. If you disagree, and feel the need to comment and say so, I have no problems with that.... I enjoy a good conversation discussing the different sides/beliefs to something! I actually love a good "debate". I don't post information about something I believe in (or don't believe in, in some instances) just to piss people off or to offend people on purpose, and it generally annoys me when people take social networking sites so seriously. Any one of the people I have on facebook, or twitter, have the freedom to post whatever they wish, and not be attacked because of it. My best friend could post "I love meat, meat is awesome!" and I probably "like" the status just to be silly. I'm not going to attack her just because she loves meat. Or unfriend her. Or never talk to her again.
So many parents learn quickly that if you openly express how you feel about a two-sided issue, you better be prepared to put on your flame suit. I learned quickly after becoming a mom to Gage that if you scroll through some of the Community forums on Baby Center or The Bump, mom's can be brutally vicious about their beliefs. I recently read a forum where a mom started a thread looking for more information regarding not vaccinating her children and how to go about registering them for school and about 23 moms (I counted) ripped her to shreds over her decision to not vaccinate. I've also read the same about a mom who after having a hard time breastfeeding her newborn baby, decided to feed formula from a bottle and instead of getting support for her hard and guilt-ridden decision, she was also ripped to shreds.
While a Community Board is much different from a social networking site where generally you ONLY have friends, I strongly believe (haha) that both should be supportive for mom's. As a new mom to Gage, I was terrified of posting on those boards with my breastfeeding issues, and instead of posting online trying to find some support, I just bottlefed him formula. I know there must be other mom's out there that feel the same.
I hate to lose a friend for any reason, but even more so just because they don't "like" my opinion about something I believe in. Or that I posted that belief on a social networking site. The way I see it all, is if someone is so easily offended by my belief in something to stop being my friend, then they must not have been a valuable friend in the first place!
So just to clarify:
I believe in breastfeeding as long as possible.
I believe in raising my family eating a vegetarian diet, and would love to transition to veganism.
I believe in being a stay at home mom to my children, until they are in school, to ensure that they get everything they need for the best possible start in life... and only I can give them that.
I believe that if you don't like something in your life, only you have the power to change it.
I believe in rescuing/adopting pets instead of purchasing from a pet store or breeder
I believe that IF YOU GET A DOG OR CAT, YOU SHOULD SPAY OR NEUTER THEM!! Can't afford it? DON'T GET THE DOG OR CAT IN THE FIRST PLACE! (Last 2 unrelated, I know, but I couldn't resist).
And lastly, but certainly not least, I do not believe in circumcision and will not circumcise my sons.
*Puts flame suit on*
Feel free to flame away! :)
Monday, August 27, 2012
Birth Story
My midwife appointment last week was so interesting!
Not only is this baby head down already (which could change, and isn't usually a big deal at 34 weeks) but he's also dropped and engaged into my pelvis. Gage was also dropped at this point, and stayed head down until birth. This baby loves to "tent", by pushing his bum out on one side and his feet out on the other side. He gets mad at me if I "tickle" his feet and goes on a rolling angry rampage. lol. I think I'm in a bit of trouble with this one!
I know when this little one is born, I'll probably write out and blog about my birth experience. I thought it might be a good idea to write about my birth experience with Gage too.
I'm going to do a homebirth (hopefully a waterbirth) with this baby and we are using our local midwives this time around, compared to the OB/GYN we used last time.
Gage was a bit of a surprise. I spent about 30 minutes trying to convince Stu that the pregnancy test did not have 2 lines, but only 1 1/2. We find this funny now, but at the time I was serious. Once I finally accepted that I was indeed pregnant and that "false positives" are not very common, I sat on my bed in a daze. I called my best friend (who freaked out more then I did) and then finally my mom. I made her tell my dad (while on the phone with me) because I was terrified that he'd be disappointed in me. I think they came around and became excited for a baby way faster then I did.
It didn't take long after the pregnancy test to start feeling the ill-effects of the pregnancy. I was violently sick for every single day of the 9 months. I had to go on sick leave because my work was completely not understanding of my being sick constantly. I was given a desk outside the washroom at work, which helped, but I was constantly in trouble for how often I had to leave my work to go get sick. By the end of the pregnancy I was still throwing up constantly, and it got so bad that while throwing up, I would also pee myself because of all the weight of the baby sitting on my bladder. I swore off children at that point. lol.
Having never known differently, I went to my family doctor for the beginning of my pregnancy and then was referred to one of the local OB/GYN's. Both Stu and I found him nice enough, and Stuart having previous children had gone down the OB road before. Our appointments were mostly spent waiting for our appointment, then we would get 10 minutes with the Dr. He'd ask us the same questions he had weeks prior, asked how I was feeling, felt the baby's position and then left with a smile. He never remembered our names.
At the time, it was what we knew, so we were cool with the entire process. I was okay with the fact that it would likely not be my OB that delivered Gage.
I went onto maternity leave approx 2 weeks before my due date. I suffered from back pain (although compared to this pregnancy, it was pretty mild!) and spent my first few days on mat leave wrapping presents and planning Christmas. I think I cleaned our cupboards too, in my nesting fury. My OB just happened to go on family vacation a week before I was due, and left me in the hands of the other OB sharing his office. He was also very nice. My last appointment was with him, and when I told him about the constant back pain, he checked to see if I was dilated. I was surprised to find that I was already sitting at 3cms, and the OB swept my membranes, telling me I should go into full labor in 24 hours. I went home, waiting, and the next day my mom called me on her way home from work and I said "I have more back pain" and I had lost a small amount of my mucous plug. She decided to come get me and take me to dinner at her house (so I wouldn't have to cook) and later told me she thought I would be miserable when she picked me up.... instead she found me sitting cross legged on the floor wrapping presents, totally fine.
That night I went to my parents house, had dinner and kept feeling the constant back pain. Everything else seemed normal. Then I went pee and lost my plug completely, which totally panicked my parents. We decided to pick Stu up from work at 9pm and go to the hospital just to be checked out. If they sent us home then no big deal.
I walked into the L&D ward and went "I think I'm in labor" and every nurse rolled their eyes at me. I was completely fine, not in any obvious pain and smiling at everyone. The nurse that checked me was flabberghasted when she checked me and I was already 5 cms. She told us we would be admitted to a room and then we needed to walk around to try and get some contractions. We did, with my mom and my dad, for about an hour and a bit. I got a few contractions, but nothing regular. Just a lot more back pain. My dad drove me nuts while I was walking, he was far too positive and excited to be allowed near a laboring mom-to-be and I decided if I had to walk around, I would do it in the area he wasn't allowed. lol. Stu and I decided we would get my mom for when I was ready to push, but it would just be he and I laboring until then. I remember sitting on the bed in my room and while suffering from back labor, I made Stu rub my back for what he claims "hours". I was pretty pleasant still at this point, and only got snippy when Stu told me his hands needed a break and were "tired" in which I replied "your tired!?!?"
Stu kept getting mad at me, because I would be in a bit of pain and then as soon as a nurse showed up I'd smile and go "I'm okay!"... for whatever reason. It must have been a pride thing? Either way, that went right out the window when the attending OB came and checked me, found I was 7cms and then broke my water. I kept asking for an epidural, and both the OB and the nurse kept saying "are you sure? You're handling things beautifully!"
Once my water broke my contractions came right on top of one another, and were pretty intense. Stu kept calm and held my hand and fed me ice chips. The OB came back 20 minutes later and went "that sounds much better!" and I replied with "epidural!".
By the time my epidural arrived, I was already feeling the need to push (but I hid that, because I needed that epidural!) and my contractions were coming so fast they gave me the epidural on my side. I assumed it would just be instant relief, but it so wasn't. Right after the epidural, I sent Stu to get my mom, thinking that she wouldn't want to see me in pain so she would be okay after I had the epi. It took another 30 minutes after the epi before I felt my contractions fade, so my poor mom got to see me gripping the bed rail breathing deeply and in pain. I don't remember too much about that part, but everyone says that I was quiet and completely in control.
Once I started pushing, I felt nothing. Completely numb. They tell you to take a deep breath and push as hard as you can. My mom cried from the moment they said "you're ready to push" until probably days later. lol. I was so not wanting anyone to watch anything, but when the nurse announced "he has tons of hair" I was so enthusiastic that I pushed even harder. The OB started to giggle at some point, and I remember stopping and saying "what could possibly be so funny?!" and she responded with "he's wiggling like a fish, delivering himself. All I have to do is catch!"
Gage came out, mounds of dark hair on his little head (really, it wasn't that little) and I was so surprised that I had pushed out a baby I just smiled at him. The nurse took him away, weighed him, and announced him to be 9 pounds, 1oz. We all went "What?!"
I then noticed around this time that the doctor was sewing. I asked if I tore, and she replied with "yes" and I then asked how many stitches and she answered with "I lost count".
I didn't care, because I had Gage and he was adorable (with hair!) and chubby and I just wanted to never let him go. He latched on and nursed right away. I moved to the Maternity ward before the epi completely wore off. Everything was good.
Once in the maternity ward, the epi wore off. I was then overwhelmed with how much it hurt. The nurse on duty was not sympathetic. She gave me tylenol, literally said to me to "suck it up" and left me all alone with my new baby. The next shift of nurses came on later that night and the nurse asked me why I hadn't taken the pain medication (oxycontin, to a nursing mother!) the OB had prescribed. I cried in relief.
I had a horrible recovery. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and looking back I totally could have delivered without an epidural. Then maybe I would not have pushed a 9 pound baby out so quickly and let my body do things on it's own and not needed stitches. Either way, I swore I was NEVER having another kid.
It wasn't until Gage was about 18 months old that I discovered the art of midwifery. I watched The Business of Being Born and was blown away by these women who choose to go drug free and have these healthy, happy babies in the comfort of their own homes. I started reading on the internet, lurking on Bulletin Boards for baby sites and informing myself. So many mom's I found and talked to had had similar birthing experiences with their first born babies, only to do the homebirth (or birth center) birth process with a midwife the second time around to a completely different experience and outcome. Luckily, Stuart completely agreed with the midwife process. As did everyone else in my family. My aunt is a midwife and doula, and while she lives hours away from me, my family was at least used to the idea and took no convincing. It didn't take us long to become pregnant, and at 34 weeks, I can say so far this experience has been like night and day compared to the OB! My midwives are amazing (I have 3, 2 of which will attend the birth) and I cannot possibly say enough good things about them. I never had to wait for my appointment, and each appointment is about 40-45 minutes long. They aren't hippies, they don't sugar coat anything, and they believe in "informed choice" so everything they have told me has been the honest and blunt.
I'm aware that yes, it is going to hurt. A lot. My biggest pet peeve is when people ask me why I'm trying to be a "hero" or they ask if a homebirth without a doctor is "safe". I've responded with of course it is safe, or I wouldn't be doing it! And 2nd, I'm not at all trying to be a hero. Women have been doing this without medication for centuries. It's the healthiest and safest option for myself and my unborn child to not medicate during labor and delivery. My body was built to birth a baby and I trust that it is fully capable of doing just that.
I'm so excited for my experience with this labor and delivery! While I do have small moments of fear and "it's going to hurt!", for the most part, about 90% of the time, I'm calm and fearless. I just know I can do this.
While I know midwifery isn't for everyone, I do wish that all pregnant women (or those planning on becoming pregnant) did some digging and even watched the same documentary that I did. Every mother wants what is best for their baby, and while those opinions on what is best may vary (by a lot or a little), we can all agree on the fact that we just want to have a healthy and happy baby in the end. Sometimes the medical interventions that OB/GYN's claim are necessary, are what end up causing the problems we have with high c-section, induction and infant mortality rates.
I can't wait to blog about my experience with my birth experiene with this baby!
Not only is this baby head down already (which could change, and isn't usually a big deal at 34 weeks) but he's also dropped and engaged into my pelvis. Gage was also dropped at this point, and stayed head down until birth. This baby loves to "tent", by pushing his bum out on one side and his feet out on the other side. He gets mad at me if I "tickle" his feet and goes on a rolling angry rampage. lol. I think I'm in a bit of trouble with this one!
I know when this little one is born, I'll probably write out and blog about my birth experience. I thought it might be a good idea to write about my birth experience with Gage too.
I'm going to do a homebirth (hopefully a waterbirth) with this baby and we are using our local midwives this time around, compared to the OB/GYN we used last time.
Gage was a bit of a surprise. I spent about 30 minutes trying to convince Stu that the pregnancy test did not have 2 lines, but only 1 1/2. We find this funny now, but at the time I was serious. Once I finally accepted that I was indeed pregnant and that "false positives" are not very common, I sat on my bed in a daze. I called my best friend (who freaked out more then I did) and then finally my mom. I made her tell my dad (while on the phone with me) because I was terrified that he'd be disappointed in me. I think they came around and became excited for a baby way faster then I did.
It didn't take long after the pregnancy test to start feeling the ill-effects of the pregnancy. I was violently sick for every single day of the 9 months. I had to go on sick leave because my work was completely not understanding of my being sick constantly. I was given a desk outside the washroom at work, which helped, but I was constantly in trouble for how often I had to leave my work to go get sick. By the end of the pregnancy I was still throwing up constantly, and it got so bad that while throwing up, I would also pee myself because of all the weight of the baby sitting on my bladder. I swore off children at that point. lol.
Having never known differently, I went to my family doctor for the beginning of my pregnancy and then was referred to one of the local OB/GYN's. Both Stu and I found him nice enough, and Stuart having previous children had gone down the OB road before. Our appointments were mostly spent waiting for our appointment, then we would get 10 minutes with the Dr. He'd ask us the same questions he had weeks prior, asked how I was feeling, felt the baby's position and then left with a smile. He never remembered our names.
At the time, it was what we knew, so we were cool with the entire process. I was okay with the fact that it would likely not be my OB that delivered Gage.
I went onto maternity leave approx 2 weeks before my due date. I suffered from back pain (although compared to this pregnancy, it was pretty mild!) and spent my first few days on mat leave wrapping presents and planning Christmas. I think I cleaned our cupboards too, in my nesting fury. My OB just happened to go on family vacation a week before I was due, and left me in the hands of the other OB sharing his office. He was also very nice. My last appointment was with him, and when I told him about the constant back pain, he checked to see if I was dilated. I was surprised to find that I was already sitting at 3cms, and the OB swept my membranes, telling me I should go into full labor in 24 hours. I went home, waiting, and the next day my mom called me on her way home from work and I said "I have more back pain" and I had lost a small amount of my mucous plug. She decided to come get me and take me to dinner at her house (so I wouldn't have to cook) and later told me she thought I would be miserable when she picked me up.... instead she found me sitting cross legged on the floor wrapping presents, totally fine.
That night I went to my parents house, had dinner and kept feeling the constant back pain. Everything else seemed normal. Then I went pee and lost my plug completely, which totally panicked my parents. We decided to pick Stu up from work at 9pm and go to the hospital just to be checked out. If they sent us home then no big deal.
I walked into the L&D ward and went "I think I'm in labor" and every nurse rolled their eyes at me. I was completely fine, not in any obvious pain and smiling at everyone. The nurse that checked me was flabberghasted when she checked me and I was already 5 cms. She told us we would be admitted to a room and then we needed to walk around to try and get some contractions. We did, with my mom and my dad, for about an hour and a bit. I got a few contractions, but nothing regular. Just a lot more back pain. My dad drove me nuts while I was walking, he was far too positive and excited to be allowed near a laboring mom-to-be and I decided if I had to walk around, I would do it in the area he wasn't allowed. lol. Stu and I decided we would get my mom for when I was ready to push, but it would just be he and I laboring until then. I remember sitting on the bed in my room and while suffering from back labor, I made Stu rub my back for what he claims "hours". I was pretty pleasant still at this point, and only got snippy when Stu told me his hands needed a break and were "tired" in which I replied "your tired!?!?"
Stu kept getting mad at me, because I would be in a bit of pain and then as soon as a nurse showed up I'd smile and go "I'm okay!"... for whatever reason. It must have been a pride thing? Either way, that went right out the window when the attending OB came and checked me, found I was 7cms and then broke my water. I kept asking for an epidural, and both the OB and the nurse kept saying "are you sure? You're handling things beautifully!"
Once my water broke my contractions came right on top of one another, and were pretty intense. Stu kept calm and held my hand and fed me ice chips. The OB came back 20 minutes later and went "that sounds much better!" and I replied with "epidural!".
By the time my epidural arrived, I was already feeling the need to push (but I hid that, because I needed that epidural!) and my contractions were coming so fast they gave me the epidural on my side. I assumed it would just be instant relief, but it so wasn't. Right after the epidural, I sent Stu to get my mom, thinking that she wouldn't want to see me in pain so she would be okay after I had the epi. It took another 30 minutes after the epi before I felt my contractions fade, so my poor mom got to see me gripping the bed rail breathing deeply and in pain. I don't remember too much about that part, but everyone says that I was quiet and completely in control.
Once I started pushing, I felt nothing. Completely numb. They tell you to take a deep breath and push as hard as you can. My mom cried from the moment they said "you're ready to push" until probably days later. lol. I was so not wanting anyone to watch anything, but when the nurse announced "he has tons of hair" I was so enthusiastic that I pushed even harder. The OB started to giggle at some point, and I remember stopping and saying "what could possibly be so funny?!" and she responded with "he's wiggling like a fish, delivering himself. All I have to do is catch!"
Gage came out, mounds of dark hair on his little head (really, it wasn't that little) and I was so surprised that I had pushed out a baby I just smiled at him. The nurse took him away, weighed him, and announced him to be 9 pounds, 1oz. We all went "What?!"
I then noticed around this time that the doctor was sewing. I asked if I tore, and she replied with "yes" and I then asked how many stitches and she answered with "I lost count".
I didn't care, because I had Gage and he was adorable (with hair!) and chubby and I just wanted to never let him go. He latched on and nursed right away. I moved to the Maternity ward before the epi completely wore off. Everything was good.
Once in the maternity ward, the epi wore off. I was then overwhelmed with how much it hurt. The nurse on duty was not sympathetic. She gave me tylenol, literally said to me to "suck it up" and left me all alone with my new baby. The next shift of nurses came on later that night and the nurse asked me why I hadn't taken the pain medication (oxycontin, to a nursing mother!) the OB had prescribed. I cried in relief.
I had a horrible recovery. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and looking back I totally could have delivered without an epidural. Then maybe I would not have pushed a 9 pound baby out so quickly and let my body do things on it's own and not needed stitches. Either way, I swore I was NEVER having another kid.
It wasn't until Gage was about 18 months old that I discovered the art of midwifery. I watched The Business of Being Born and was blown away by these women who choose to go drug free and have these healthy, happy babies in the comfort of their own homes. I started reading on the internet, lurking on Bulletin Boards for baby sites and informing myself. So many mom's I found and talked to had had similar birthing experiences with their first born babies, only to do the homebirth (or birth center) birth process with a midwife the second time around to a completely different experience and outcome. Luckily, Stuart completely agreed with the midwife process. As did everyone else in my family. My aunt is a midwife and doula, and while she lives hours away from me, my family was at least used to the idea and took no convincing. It didn't take us long to become pregnant, and at 34 weeks, I can say so far this experience has been like night and day compared to the OB! My midwives are amazing (I have 3, 2 of which will attend the birth) and I cannot possibly say enough good things about them. I never had to wait for my appointment, and each appointment is about 40-45 minutes long. They aren't hippies, they don't sugar coat anything, and they believe in "informed choice" so everything they have told me has been the honest and blunt.
I'm aware that yes, it is going to hurt. A lot. My biggest pet peeve is when people ask me why I'm trying to be a "hero" or they ask if a homebirth without a doctor is "safe". I've responded with of course it is safe, or I wouldn't be doing it! And 2nd, I'm not at all trying to be a hero. Women have been doing this without medication for centuries. It's the healthiest and safest option for myself and my unborn child to not medicate during labor and delivery. My body was built to birth a baby and I trust that it is fully capable of doing just that.
I'm so excited for my experience with this labor and delivery! While I do have small moments of fear and "it's going to hurt!", for the most part, about 90% of the time, I'm calm and fearless. I just know I can do this.
While I know midwifery isn't for everyone, I do wish that all pregnant women (or those planning on becoming pregnant) did some digging and even watched the same documentary that I did. Every mother wants what is best for their baby, and while those opinions on what is best may vary (by a lot or a little), we can all agree on the fact that we just want to have a healthy and happy baby in the end. Sometimes the medical interventions that OB/GYN's claim are necessary, are what end up causing the problems we have with high c-section, induction and infant mortality rates.
I can't wait to blog about my experience with my birth experiene with this baby!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Future goals
It took me a while to figure out how to word this post properly. It's all there in my head, and has been for months, but I can't figure out how to get it out.
This pregnancy has had a lot of ups and downs. I feel like some days I'm still grieving for my friend's horse, Mattie. I feel like what happened to him has been a huge life-changing event that I will never ever forget, as long as I live. It shook me to the core, and made me re-evaluate everything I had originally set out as goals for myself. I think of Mattie every time it rains, every time I go to the barn and look in his field, and every time I see a grey horse. I was already feeling incredibly guilty about the fact that my gelding has taken such a backseat to me raising my family. I don't get out to see him nearly as much as I'd like. I know he doesn't mind, and would much rather be in his humungous field with his buddies, but I still worry that when I look back on my life with him when he's an old boy, I'll regret this time that I didn't spend more time with him.
With everything that happened with Mattie, and all this guilt of not spending more time with my "first born", I've been toying with some things in my head.
I think it's safe to assume that 2 little boys are going to drive me crazy on a regular basis. I think the best way for me to get my "me" time is to go to the barn. Then I started thinking about my 9 years so far with Dusty and what we've accomplished. He's an awesome horse. He's taught countless children how to ride, is far more patient then I could ever be, extremely forgiving in every single instance and literally never puts a toe out of place. Numerous people have told me he's "worth his weight in gold". While those that know him are quick to praise his qualities that make him great with kids, they are also quick to categorize him as this "old schoolie". He's built extremely long, and his conformation works against him in pretty much every discipline. He loves to jump, the higher the better, but suffered a back injury 2 years ago and his "big" jumping days are pretty much over. While he's sound and happy now, it took a lot of work (and money) to make him that way. I bought him originally because I wanted to event him. He's evented before, and LOVED it (and won!) but when I first got him I boarded him at a facility where majority of the boarders did the QH circuits and schooling shows with emphasis on the "QH way". At the time, I was okay with not eventing, and just happy to go with the flow. Now, looking back, I'm sad that I didn't event him. I can easily say that I never took Dusty (or myself!) to his full potential.
He'll be 17 next summer, and while there are some horses that just recently competed in the London 2012 Olympics that were 17 years old and older, I still feel like that's old for my Dusty. I know we have so much work ahead of us, but I think it needs to be done. I don't want to show, and I don't have a set list of goals for us to accomplish. I just want to go further then we did before. I want us to both be in the best physical shape we've ever been in, and to be able to full use our bodies properly, shitty conformation or not. I'm really determined to go out 3-4 times a week, get lessons once a week, and work our flabby bums off! I'll be dragging the new baby with me most of the time, but after telling my barn manager (and close friend) my idea, she said "no one is going to blink an eye to you breastfeeding in the corner of the barn or to a stroller sitting in the corner of the arena with a crying baby in it".
I don't usually care what other's think of me (or of Dusty), but I just know that Dusty and I are capable of more then what other's have assumed we aren't. I'm doing this to "stick it to 'em". I already know that when I go to the coach that works out of my barn, I'm going to be laughed at a little. If not, she'll try to sway me into learning on another horse, that has more "potential" then Dusty. I'm prepared for that.
Really, the number 1 reason why I'm going to do this, is that when it comes to Dusty's "end", I don't want to look back and feel like I didn't do enough with him. I want to be able to say to him "look what we did!"
Now that I've written all this out here, I'll feel even more guilty if I read this next year and didn't do it. It's going to take a lot of juggling and time, but we can do it.
I'm super lucky that my husband is totally supportive of this. I don't know what I'd do without him behind me in everything I do!
I'm going to post on here before pictures (of both of us) and then progress pictures too. I think the journey will be hard but well worth it in the end.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Pee and Poop
The title of this blog can only be gross to those without children. Lol. There are so many silly words kids use to refer to "pee" and "poop" and they always make me laugh.
As I previously posted, we were using our long weekend to dedicate our time to potty training Gage. Things were such a success! He surprised both Stuart and I by leaps and bounds! He had a few little accidents, that he usually made one his way to the potty anyways, but by the end of the day he would tell us that he had to use the potty. Tuesday morning Stu went back to work, and Gage woke up and came into my room to have a morning snuggle and watch some cartoons and his diaper he wore overnight was completely dry! He then asked me (while still wearing his diaper) if he could pee-pee on the potty. Then he had his morning pee on the potty! Now it is Thursday and he`s been dry every morning getting up this week, and has had his morning pee on the potty each morning before breakfast. He even tells me when he has to pee, and needs no reminding. He poops on the potty too (yay!) but he gets a little scared and ends up sitting on the potty 10 times before actually pooping. He's getting better with it in a matter of days! I'm so proud of him!
We went to my parents house Tuesday for dinner, and my dad watched Gage while my mom and I went shopping and he peed on my parents toilet and even pooped. He's growing so fast! I can't believe it's been 2 1/2 years already since he was this not-so-tiny newborn. Not to mention that I'm going to have another one in less then 2 months!
I'm so relieved that we were able to do this before the new baby arrives. I knew it would be hard and one more thing I need to do during the day while prego, but I figured that if we waited until the baby was born, it would get harder to potty train Gage while also trying to take care of a newborn. I was determined to have Gage potty trained before he was 3 years old. Stuart has a daughter from a previous relationship (I believe I've mentioned her before) that we have at our house on weekends. She first started coming to us over night when she was 3 1/2 years old, and she was still wearing diapers. She wasn't fully potty trained without any accidents until she was almost 6, and even now at 7 she has the occasional accident. I know a lot of that had to do with lack of consistency and she was adjusting to living in 2 homes, but there was a while there that she had UTI's and bladder infections back to back, over and over. I just didn't want things to go so late for Gage and his potty training journey!
This weekend, the barn where I board Dusty is having their monthly schooling show. Riders of all ages trailer their horses in to compete in some low level classes, mostly just for practice and for fun. I've been going to each show all summer to help out with the "admin" duties and having a BLAST. I don't get to see Dusty as much as I would like (which I feel so guilty about, even though I'm sure he doesn't mind!) and it gives me an excuse to go to the barn and visit with all my friends and spoil my Dusty with loads of treats. This weekend Stuart is coming with me (my parents are babysitting Gage) to be my errand boy. I almost wasn't going to go, because it's a LONG day and the last few shows have been so hot. But Stu coming along means he can grab me drinks and make me take breaks. I'm determined to make a country boy out of a city boy! I'm *almost* there! I'm excited to spend the day with 2 of my favourite men! (Can you guess which one is my #1?!?)
Lets keep our fingers crossed he doesn't find the whole thing too boring!
As I previously posted, we were using our long weekend to dedicate our time to potty training Gage. Things were such a success! He surprised both Stuart and I by leaps and bounds! He had a few little accidents, that he usually made one his way to the potty anyways, but by the end of the day he would tell us that he had to use the potty. Tuesday morning Stu went back to work, and Gage woke up and came into my room to have a morning snuggle and watch some cartoons and his diaper he wore overnight was completely dry! He then asked me (while still wearing his diaper) if he could pee-pee on the potty. Then he had his morning pee on the potty! Now it is Thursday and he`s been dry every morning getting up this week, and has had his morning pee on the potty each morning before breakfast. He even tells me when he has to pee, and needs no reminding. He poops on the potty too (yay!) but he gets a little scared and ends up sitting on the potty 10 times before actually pooping. He's getting better with it in a matter of days! I'm so proud of him!
We went to my parents house Tuesday for dinner, and my dad watched Gage while my mom and I went shopping and he peed on my parents toilet and even pooped. He's growing so fast! I can't believe it's been 2 1/2 years already since he was this not-so-tiny newborn. Not to mention that I'm going to have another one in less then 2 months!
I'm so relieved that we were able to do this before the new baby arrives. I knew it would be hard and one more thing I need to do during the day while prego, but I figured that if we waited until the baby was born, it would get harder to potty train Gage while also trying to take care of a newborn. I was determined to have Gage potty trained before he was 3 years old. Stuart has a daughter from a previous relationship (I believe I've mentioned her before) that we have at our house on weekends. She first started coming to us over night when she was 3 1/2 years old, and she was still wearing diapers. She wasn't fully potty trained without any accidents until she was almost 6, and even now at 7 she has the occasional accident. I know a lot of that had to do with lack of consistency and she was adjusting to living in 2 homes, but there was a while there that she had UTI's and bladder infections back to back, over and over. I just didn't want things to go so late for Gage and his potty training journey!
This weekend, the barn where I board Dusty is having their monthly schooling show. Riders of all ages trailer their horses in to compete in some low level classes, mostly just for practice and for fun. I've been going to each show all summer to help out with the "admin" duties and having a BLAST. I don't get to see Dusty as much as I would like (which I feel so guilty about, even though I'm sure he doesn't mind!) and it gives me an excuse to go to the barn and visit with all my friends and spoil my Dusty with loads of treats. This weekend Stuart is coming with me (my parents are babysitting Gage) to be my errand boy. I almost wasn't going to go, because it's a LONG day and the last few shows have been so hot. But Stu coming along means he can grab me drinks and make me take breaks. I'm determined to make a country boy out of a city boy! I'm *almost* there! I'm excited to spend the day with 2 of my favourite men! (Can you guess which one is my #1?!?)
Lets keep our fingers crossed he doesn't find the whole thing too boring!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Up and Down
I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and just now having all the emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. I swear I could cry at the drop of a hat, at anything, and then literally 10 minutes later I'm laughing. It's like I'm bi-polar! My poor husband that has to try and keep up with it all!
I think a lot of what started it all, has been the events of the last 2 weeks. This week in particular is a hard one, because Stuart ended up going away for the week to another city to work. He did this a lot last summer, and while it's hard and Gage and I miss him, we managed. This time around because of this pregnancy being so hard on my body, I'm finding it especially hard. Everyday tasks seem HUGE to me, and I have to push myself just to do bare minimums around the house and make sure Gage is fed, clean and happy. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted, but can't sleep because of all the silly pregnancy aches and pains.
This coming weekend we are hoping to use the long weekend to our advantage and start on the journey of potty training Gage! I'm excited, but I know it's not going to be easy. He's shown several signs that he's ready, but he still seems a little reluctant. We are hoping to just use a lot of positive reinforcement to get him going. We'll have him in undies for 3 full days, and just constantly ask him to sit on the potty. When he sits on the potty, goes pee or poop on the potty, he gets a sticker on his chart. I know diapers are actually probably easier for me during the day, because it just takes changing him, whereas if he's potty trained, we have to do the dash to the potty to go. But I think it will be way easier when this baby arrives to only have one baby in diapers. We are also using Cloth Diapers for this new baby, so by potty training Gage before the baby's arrival, it means we won't be buying ANY. I can't wait!
I feel like I'm so thinly spread and everyone wants a piece and I can't please everyone all the time. I've been concentrating on just being a good mama to Gage and keeping his life as normal as possible, and making sure he doens't see all my crazy emotions (he's such a senstitive guy, he gets upset when I'm upset) but it's all just starting to take it's toll. I have an amazing husband, who stands in as not only my husband, but as my best friend. But I just need a girl friend, who will sit and have a tea and let me vent about shit. This week is going to be especially hard without that.
I can't wait until Friday when Stuart comes home!
I think a lot of what started it all, has been the events of the last 2 weeks. This week in particular is a hard one, because Stuart ended up going away for the week to another city to work. He did this a lot last summer, and while it's hard and Gage and I miss him, we managed. This time around because of this pregnancy being so hard on my body, I'm finding it especially hard. Everyday tasks seem HUGE to me, and I have to push myself just to do bare minimums around the house and make sure Gage is fed, clean and happy. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted, but can't sleep because of all the silly pregnancy aches and pains.
This coming weekend we are hoping to use the long weekend to our advantage and start on the journey of potty training Gage! I'm excited, but I know it's not going to be easy. He's shown several signs that he's ready, but he still seems a little reluctant. We are hoping to just use a lot of positive reinforcement to get him going. We'll have him in undies for 3 full days, and just constantly ask him to sit on the potty. When he sits on the potty, goes pee or poop on the potty, he gets a sticker on his chart. I know diapers are actually probably easier for me during the day, because it just takes changing him, whereas if he's potty trained, we have to do the dash to the potty to go. But I think it will be way easier when this baby arrives to only have one baby in diapers. We are also using Cloth Diapers for this new baby, so by potty training Gage before the baby's arrival, it means we won't be buying ANY. I can't wait!
I feel like I'm so thinly spread and everyone wants a piece and I can't please everyone all the time. I've been concentrating on just being a good mama to Gage and keeping his life as normal as possible, and making sure he doens't see all my crazy emotions (he's such a senstitive guy, he gets upset when I'm upset) but it's all just starting to take it's toll. I have an amazing husband, who stands in as not only my husband, but as my best friend. But I just need a girl friend, who will sit and have a tea and let me vent about shit. This week is going to be especially hard without that.
I can't wait until Friday when Stuart comes home!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
World's Hardest Job
I'm a stay at home mom. I went on my year of maternity with Gage, and instead of going back to work at a job that I absolutely hated, I stayed home. We had to make sacrifices in order to do it, but we manage. While I by no means have anything against working mom's, I just felt like it was a better choice for my son. I know all mom's (or most that I've talked to) have said how hard it is to tear themselves away after 1 year with their baby to go back to work, and how hard it is to drop them off at daycare and walk away. While that is part of the reason why I didn't go back to work, I also couldn't bear the thought of someone else taking part in raising my child, and getting to bear witness to the little things that I would miss while working.
I did briefly look into going back to work. I figured we wouldn't financially survive unless I did, so I began the process of looking for daycares. I found a few "at home" daycares that interested me, but I found another obstacle because of our vegetarian diet. Each daycare insisted that I pay the regular daily fee/weekly fee and then also provided my own food for each day that Gage went to them. At the time, he was also lactose intolerant so unable to consume dairy. I found that so frustrating on top of everything else. We had to move in with my parents in order for me to stay home full time, and Stuart became the sole provider for our family and had(s) a lot sitting on his shoulders.
We have enough to go around for each of us, and while we don't have a flatscreen tv, fancy clothes or regular haircuts (for me anyways!) we have food in our fridge and our bills are all current. I'm sure if I went back to work, we would accomplish a lot more financially and be able to achieve our dream of buying a house with property sooner. But when I think of the little things I would miss each day just because I want a house a year earlier or nice clothes, I couldn't do it. Every morning Gage comes stumbling sleepily into my room and climbs into bed with me with a "morning mommy". We eat breakfast together and play games and read books together and sing songs. While I have things I do each day around the house, like cleaning (and there's always A LOT of cleaning, we have a big house!), laundry, cooking etc, I always make time to sit with Gage and do letters of the alphabet and drawing pictures and telling stories. I don't want anyone else doing that stuff with him! He has playdates with other little boys his age, and is not at all behind socially. My husband comes home each day to a clean house with clean laundry and food waiting for him and a big hug from a clean 2 year old.
Since being pregnant, sometimes my daily chores are a challenge, and I know it will continue to be so after this baby is born. 2 kids will be harder to keep up with! I dread what my house will look like during the first few weeks following birth. I can't wait to get a routine down!
I have a friend that has her child in daycare. While she financially doesn't HAVE to work to get by because of what her husband does for a living, she chooses to just to have lots of money. Her kid has a ridiculous amount of toys and clothes and defends how spoiled her child is to the 10th degree. Her kid is a good kid, a little rambunctious and gets away with a lot, but I think a lot of it is the "only child syndrome" that I certainly know I went through myself until my sister came along when I was 6 years old. I just feel like even though we don't give Gage lavish gifts for his birthday and Christmas, and he has a moderate amount of toys and clothes, he gets so much more by me being home. I find that with my friends that work and have children, it is as though they feel guilty for putting their children in daycare so instead they spoil them with material items. That is not at all how I want to raise my child. I think the most shocking thing for me was learning that parents (some, not all) or I should say "the tooth fairy" leaves $10 and even $20 bills for teeth nowadays! Those kids will grow up expecting an allowance of $100 a week! I want my children to grow up learning the value of a dollar, so "the tooth fairy" will be leaving toonies for teeth at my house!
My mom was a stay at home mom for 17 years. I think my sister and I benefited a lot by having her home with us, especially in the beginning. She went back to work after 17 years though, and is currently working at a job she hates and struggles to find something better because of such a large gap in her work history. I refuse to let myself stay home for that long, my plan is to go back to work by the time this youngest baby (who will definitely be our last baby!) starts school. I plan on doing online courses starting 2013 for a career that I passionately love. Being a stay at home mom has taught me that life isn't worth living if you are going to a job everyday that you hate. Not only that, but it taught me that if you want something, you can make it happen. Only you are in charge of your destiny and your goals and where you want to be in a few years. My biggest pet peeve is when people complain about the job they have. Hate it? Get a new one! Don't have the training/qualifications to do what you love? Find a way! It IS possible!
I did briefly look into going back to work. I figured we wouldn't financially survive unless I did, so I began the process of looking for daycares. I found a few "at home" daycares that interested me, but I found another obstacle because of our vegetarian diet. Each daycare insisted that I pay the regular daily fee/weekly fee and then also provided my own food for each day that Gage went to them. At the time, he was also lactose intolerant so unable to consume dairy. I found that so frustrating on top of everything else. We had to move in with my parents in order for me to stay home full time, and Stuart became the sole provider for our family and had(s) a lot sitting on his shoulders.
We have enough to go around for each of us, and while we don't have a flatscreen tv, fancy clothes or regular haircuts (for me anyways!) we have food in our fridge and our bills are all current. I'm sure if I went back to work, we would accomplish a lot more financially and be able to achieve our dream of buying a house with property sooner. But when I think of the little things I would miss each day just because I want a house a year earlier or nice clothes, I couldn't do it. Every morning Gage comes stumbling sleepily into my room and climbs into bed with me with a "morning mommy". We eat breakfast together and play games and read books together and sing songs. While I have things I do each day around the house, like cleaning (and there's always A LOT of cleaning, we have a big house!), laundry, cooking etc, I always make time to sit with Gage and do letters of the alphabet and drawing pictures and telling stories. I don't want anyone else doing that stuff with him! He has playdates with other little boys his age, and is not at all behind socially. My husband comes home each day to a clean house with clean laundry and food waiting for him and a big hug from a clean 2 year old.
Since being pregnant, sometimes my daily chores are a challenge, and I know it will continue to be so after this baby is born. 2 kids will be harder to keep up with! I dread what my house will look like during the first few weeks following birth. I can't wait to get a routine down!
I have a friend that has her child in daycare. While she financially doesn't HAVE to work to get by because of what her husband does for a living, she chooses to just to have lots of money. Her kid has a ridiculous amount of toys and clothes and defends how spoiled her child is to the 10th degree. Her kid is a good kid, a little rambunctious and gets away with a lot, but I think a lot of it is the "only child syndrome" that I certainly know I went through myself until my sister came along when I was 6 years old. I just feel like even though we don't give Gage lavish gifts for his birthday and Christmas, and he has a moderate amount of toys and clothes, he gets so much more by me being home. I find that with my friends that work and have children, it is as though they feel guilty for putting their children in daycare so instead they spoil them with material items. That is not at all how I want to raise my child. I think the most shocking thing for me was learning that parents (some, not all) or I should say "the tooth fairy" leaves $10 and even $20 bills for teeth nowadays! Those kids will grow up expecting an allowance of $100 a week! I want my children to grow up learning the value of a dollar, so "the tooth fairy" will be leaving toonies for teeth at my house!
My mom was a stay at home mom for 17 years. I think my sister and I benefited a lot by having her home with us, especially in the beginning. She went back to work after 17 years though, and is currently working at a job she hates and struggles to find something better because of such a large gap in her work history. I refuse to let myself stay home for that long, my plan is to go back to work by the time this youngest baby (who will definitely be our last baby!) starts school. I plan on doing online courses starting 2013 for a career that I passionately love. Being a stay at home mom has taught me that life isn't worth living if you are going to a job everyday that you hate. Not only that, but it taught me that if you want something, you can make it happen. Only you are in charge of your destiny and your goals and where you want to be in a few years. My biggest pet peeve is when people complain about the job they have. Hate it? Get a new one! Don't have the training/qualifications to do what you love? Find a way! It IS possible!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
"I see it feelingly"
I just watched a 10 minute video online of a man making a speech for animal rights at a debate in Australia. It completely blew my mind, and is hands down the most captivating speech I've ever heard. He left absolutely no room for argument, and addressed every possible end. People like this man, Philip Wollen, make my heart just soar! I wish there were more people that could passionately portray this kind of speech to those that are so against it.
I'm going to post the link to the transcript, and the video. It speaks for itself.
http://freefromharm.org/videos/educational-inspiring-talks/philip-wollen-australian-philanthropist-former-vp-of-citibank-makes-blazing-animal-rights-speech/
Enjoy!
I'm going to post the link to the transcript, and the video. It speaks for itself.
http://freefromharm.org/videos/educational-inspiring-talks/philip-wollen-australian-philanthropist-former-vp-of-citibank-makes-blazing-animal-rights-speech/
Enjoy!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I Carry Your Heart
I feel like this post needs to be dedicated to my husband, and this is an advance warning that it might get a little sappy because my pregnancy hormones are insanely sappy lately.
My husband, Stuart, is without a doubt the most hardworking and selfless person I've ever known. I come from a family where hard work is the norm. My dad and both grandfather's were hardworking men, and incredible influences for my sister and I. They are proof that hardwork does pay off. My dad especially, will stop at nothing to provide for his family. Growing up, he worked all hours just to make sure we had food on the table. Stuart has done so much for our little family, single handed. Seeing as he is the sole bread-winner, he doesn't have much choice but to work hard, but what I love so much about him (or one of the many things I should say!) is that he never once complains. He gets up at 3am to catch a ride to work with my Dad, who commutes everyday. My dad is done work by approx 1pm everyday, but yet Stuart doesn't finish work until after 5pm everyday. That means he is gone working from 3am until past 5pm. He takes the train or bus home, and sometimes doesn't get in until well after 7pm. He still comes home smiling, and Gage runs into his arms everyday, super excited to see him. Then he eats a quick dinner, and instead of laying on the couch drinking a beer, he spends time with Gage and gives him a bath. He does the nighttime routine with Gage, because it's the only time he gets to see him all day and it gives me a break.
He is also super modest about his "super dad" ability. All kids just love Stu, and he never hestitates to have a conversation in "baby talk" with a friends baby, or pick up a friends crying baby and give them a cuddle. Gage was my first child, but he is Stuart's 3rd. I was intimidated by the crying at night, and the sleep deprivation, and the little things that new parents often worry about. Stuart was always there to say "it's okay, he's just tired, here, do this...." and all would be good in the world. My midwife asked me last month if we were planning on doing the "baby classes" this time around at the hospital and my response was "Stuart could teach that class". I'm not worried or intimidated about having 2 young boys, because I have Stuart and he is super dad.
Stuart hates when people buy him gifts, whenever my mom or I ask him "what do you want for your birthday/Christmas?" he goes "nothing, don't buy me anything!" and it drives us insane. He'd rather buy Gage something, or me. And he has one pair of pants, which are the holiest jeans I've ever seen. They are pretty much unwearable.
As far as men go, I picked the perfect one. When I compare him to any other guy I dated, those other guys aren't even half the man my Stuart is. I've never thought so highly of anyone before, and I'm lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of my life with him!
Our wedding was small and a surprise wedding, (for everyone in attendence, not us) and the poem that was read in the vows always makes me think of him when I read it.
My husband, Stuart, is without a doubt the most hardworking and selfless person I've ever known. I come from a family where hard work is the norm. My dad and both grandfather's were hardworking men, and incredible influences for my sister and I. They are proof that hardwork does pay off. My dad especially, will stop at nothing to provide for his family. Growing up, he worked all hours just to make sure we had food on the table. Stuart has done so much for our little family, single handed. Seeing as he is the sole bread-winner, he doesn't have much choice but to work hard, but what I love so much about him (or one of the many things I should say!) is that he never once complains. He gets up at 3am to catch a ride to work with my Dad, who commutes everyday. My dad is done work by approx 1pm everyday, but yet Stuart doesn't finish work until after 5pm everyday. That means he is gone working from 3am until past 5pm. He takes the train or bus home, and sometimes doesn't get in until well after 7pm. He still comes home smiling, and Gage runs into his arms everyday, super excited to see him. Then he eats a quick dinner, and instead of laying on the couch drinking a beer, he spends time with Gage and gives him a bath. He does the nighttime routine with Gage, because it's the only time he gets to see him all day and it gives me a break.
He is also super modest about his "super dad" ability. All kids just love Stu, and he never hestitates to have a conversation in "baby talk" with a friends baby, or pick up a friends crying baby and give them a cuddle. Gage was my first child, but he is Stuart's 3rd. I was intimidated by the crying at night, and the sleep deprivation, and the little things that new parents often worry about. Stuart was always there to say "it's okay, he's just tired, here, do this...." and all would be good in the world. My midwife asked me last month if we were planning on doing the "baby classes" this time around at the hospital and my response was "Stuart could teach that class". I'm not worried or intimidated about having 2 young boys, because I have Stuart and he is super dad.
Stuart hates when people buy him gifts, whenever my mom or I ask him "what do you want for your birthday/Christmas?" he goes "nothing, don't buy me anything!" and it drives us insane. He'd rather buy Gage something, or me. And he has one pair of pants, which are the holiest jeans I've ever seen. They are pretty much unwearable.
As far as men go, I picked the perfect one. When I compare him to any other guy I dated, those other guys aren't even half the man my Stuart is. I've never thought so highly of anyone before, and I'm lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of my life with him!
Our wedding was small and a surprise wedding, (for everyone in attendence, not us) and the poem that was read in the vows always makes me think of him when I read it.
[I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart]
I carry your heart with me (I
carry it in
my heart) I am never without
it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and
whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my
darling)
I
fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my
sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are
my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a
moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always
sing is you
here is the deepest secret
nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a
tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or
mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's
keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it
in my heart)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Karma
I'm a big believer in karma. Revenge and "sticking it to them" is really fun. I know this from personal experience (as do my ex boyfriends) but it is not nearly as satisfying as just stepping back and letting karma run it's course.
I don't think anyone will ever figure out how "the universe" works and how karma really plays it's role. All of it is just way over my head. I'd like to think that good people get good things, and bad people get bad things. I wish it were that easy and that it was really how our world worked. It never ceases to amaze me how bad things can happen to good, honest, hardworking people. There are a lot of idiots out there, with sick and horrible minds that do horrible unspeakable things. The only thing that gets me to sleep at night after hearing about an abused animal or a missing child is that the person responsible will just get what is coming to them. If I didn't think like that, I'm the type of person that would just let anger fester and it would just eat me alive.
I hate people that are just bad. I'm all about having those "gut feelings" or sensing something just isn't right. My dog, Max, is really sensitive to people and emotions around him, and is usually the first one to tell me "I don't like this person". Usually he'll just give out a little growl, or ignore them completely and sit beside me. I always trust that instinct of his. The people that piss me off the most, besides the ones that do things intentionally to good people that don't deserve it, are those that pretend they aren't doing anything wrong. They pretend that they are the victims. But really they know they are being assholes intentionally.
Stuart and I are good people. We are huge animal lovers and rescue all our animals. We have good friends that rally around us when we need them to. We have wonderful family. Stuart is the most hardworking and selfless person I know and does everything he can to support us. I strive to be a better wife and mother. We do our best to help those that need it, whenever we can. We both believe in the motto "hardwork pays off". Our goals for the future do not include being rich and having a huge house with a maid. We aren't materialistic with flat screen tv's and fancy clothes. We just want to one day own a house with a bit of land so we can have some animals (all rescues, of course!) and live the quiet and happy life.
I just have to hold faith in all that and hope that because we are good people, we will reach our goals. We are working hard to get where we want to be. We are not "stepping" on anyone along the way, and we remember to appreciate the little things in life.
This is what I think about when we have a bad week. One of our close friends told me last night "don't worry, things always work out" and he is absolutely right.
I'm a big worrier. Sometimes my worrying consumes me. Actually. Stu is always telling me to stop worrying and getting ahead of myself. It's one of the things everyone just knows about me. Lol. Along with the fact that I'm "strongly opinionated" and have a slight temper. But after I relax a little, and remember to think logically, I come to the same conclusion: Everything will work itself out. Because we are hardworking, honest, and good.
I don't think anyone will ever figure out how "the universe" works and how karma really plays it's role. All of it is just way over my head. I'd like to think that good people get good things, and bad people get bad things. I wish it were that easy and that it was really how our world worked. It never ceases to amaze me how bad things can happen to good, honest, hardworking people. There are a lot of idiots out there, with sick and horrible minds that do horrible unspeakable things. The only thing that gets me to sleep at night after hearing about an abused animal or a missing child is that the person responsible will just get what is coming to them. If I didn't think like that, I'm the type of person that would just let anger fester and it would just eat me alive.
I hate people that are just bad. I'm all about having those "gut feelings" or sensing something just isn't right. My dog, Max, is really sensitive to people and emotions around him, and is usually the first one to tell me "I don't like this person". Usually he'll just give out a little growl, or ignore them completely and sit beside me. I always trust that instinct of his. The people that piss me off the most, besides the ones that do things intentionally to good people that don't deserve it, are those that pretend they aren't doing anything wrong. They pretend that they are the victims. But really they know they are being assholes intentionally.
Stuart and I are good people. We are huge animal lovers and rescue all our animals. We have good friends that rally around us when we need them to. We have wonderful family. Stuart is the most hardworking and selfless person I know and does everything he can to support us. I strive to be a better wife and mother. We do our best to help those that need it, whenever we can. We both believe in the motto "hardwork pays off". Our goals for the future do not include being rich and having a huge house with a maid. We aren't materialistic with flat screen tv's and fancy clothes. We just want to one day own a house with a bit of land so we can have some animals (all rescues, of course!) and live the quiet and happy life.
I just have to hold faith in all that and hope that because we are good people, we will reach our goals. We are working hard to get where we want to be. We are not "stepping" on anyone along the way, and we remember to appreciate the little things in life.
This is what I think about when we have a bad week. One of our close friends told me last night "don't worry, things always work out" and he is absolutely right.
I'm a big worrier. Sometimes my worrying consumes me. Actually. Stu is always telling me to stop worrying and getting ahead of myself. It's one of the things everyone just knows about me. Lol. Along with the fact that I'm "strongly opinionated" and have a slight temper. But after I relax a little, and remember to think logically, I come to the same conclusion: Everything will work itself out. Because we are hardworking, honest, and good.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
"Harry Potter"
I forgot to actually post on here the gender of this baby! We held a gender reveal party at the end of May to find out by cutting into a cake with either blue or pink icing. The ultrasound technician wrote the gender down on paper for me and sealed it in an envelope for me to take to a cake maker.
.....It's a boy!!!!!
We are so thrilled to have another little boy join our family! I'm going to be a bit over run, seeing as the only other female in the house is my diva little guinea pig!
I'm so glad we get to have another boy, Gage has been so much fun. I actually don't think I'm cut out to handle girls, and all the drama that comes with them as teens. Boys are smelly and squish bugs and jump in dirt and eat things off the floor.... but I'm okay with all that!
Stuart and I decided to not reveal the name we've decided on for this baby until he is born. It started off as a joke, but then once we saw how much it drove my parents crazy, we decided to continue with the torture. We are huge readers in our house, and huge Harry Potter fans. I've been reading them since I was really young and grew up with the series. The name we picked is actually a character's name in the book, though not a main role. We've of course heard it other places as well, but originally we both read the name in HP. Because of this, this unborn little boy is now referred to as "Harry Potter" by all our relatives!
We also decided to decorate the nursery in a Harry Potter theme. Not the "disney" version with life size HP stickers on the walls, but tastefully. We are going to make it look like a little wizard really resides in the room! I've put some ideas together and I'm so excited to put it all together as a whole. The walls will be painted a neutral cream colour with the exception of the one wall where the crib will be. That wall will have wide vertical stripes painted in the neutral cream, and a little darker yellow. It won't be a huge standout thing, and the room is small, it's just to showcase the crib itself. We plan on stenciling onto the wall above the crib "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good" and underneath "Mischief Managed!" (only HP fans will know what that means!).
My mom is going to help me with a quilt that we'll make from scratch for the crib. It's going to have all HP items on it. Snitches, owls, lions, the Deathly Hallows symbol etc with all the Hogwarts House colours and little lightning bolts in the corners.
I've started to put together a little hand made mobile. It will hang from the ceiling, with a cross piece of 2 sticks painted gold and hanging down will be antique keys (I just got them from ebay last week!) and attached to each key will be red and gold ribbon (Gryiffindor house colours) and small cards with spells from the books written on each one to twirl around.
We plan on finding an old lamp (my mom has part of one we can use) for on the dresser, and we are going to get a dark wood crib and I've been looking on Kijiji for an old antique dark wood dresser. My mom and I are also going to make red and gold curtains too.
I have some other small ideas that I might add later, but for the most part that is the base of the room!!
I'll make sure to post before and after pictures, I can't wait to show it off!
I'll try to update the blog more often too, I find it really therapeutic to write here when I'm having a bad day. There's no way I can keep these pregnant hormones all to myself!
We are so thrilled to have another little boy join our family! I'm going to be a bit over run, seeing as the only other female in the house is my diva little guinea pig!
I'm so glad we get to have another boy, Gage has been so much fun. I actually don't think I'm cut out to handle girls, and all the drama that comes with them as teens. Boys are smelly and squish bugs and jump in dirt and eat things off the floor.... but I'm okay with all that!
Stuart and I decided to not reveal the name we've decided on for this baby until he is born. It started off as a joke, but then once we saw how much it drove my parents crazy, we decided to continue with the torture. We are huge readers in our house, and huge Harry Potter fans. I've been reading them since I was really young and grew up with the series. The name we picked is actually a character's name in the book, though not a main role. We've of course heard it other places as well, but originally we both read the name in HP. Because of this, this unborn little boy is now referred to as "Harry Potter" by all our relatives!
We also decided to decorate the nursery in a Harry Potter theme. Not the "disney" version with life size HP stickers on the walls, but tastefully. We are going to make it look like a little wizard really resides in the room! I've put some ideas together and I'm so excited to put it all together as a whole. The walls will be painted a neutral cream colour with the exception of the one wall where the crib will be. That wall will have wide vertical stripes painted in the neutral cream, and a little darker yellow. It won't be a huge standout thing, and the room is small, it's just to showcase the crib itself. We plan on stenciling onto the wall above the crib "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good" and underneath "Mischief Managed!" (only HP fans will know what that means!).
My mom is going to help me with a quilt that we'll make from scratch for the crib. It's going to have all HP items on it. Snitches, owls, lions, the Deathly Hallows symbol etc with all the Hogwarts House colours and little lightning bolts in the corners.
I've started to put together a little hand made mobile. It will hang from the ceiling, with a cross piece of 2 sticks painted gold and hanging down will be antique keys (I just got them from ebay last week!) and attached to each key will be red and gold ribbon (Gryiffindor house colours) and small cards with spells from the books written on each one to twirl around.
We plan on finding an old lamp (my mom has part of one we can use) for on the dresser, and we are going to get a dark wood crib and I've been looking on Kijiji for an old antique dark wood dresser. My mom and I are also going to make red and gold curtains too.
I have some other small ideas that I might add later, but for the most part that is the base of the room!!
I'll make sure to post before and after pictures, I can't wait to show it off!
I'll try to update the blog more often too, I find it really therapeutic to write here when I'm having a bad day. There's no way I can keep these pregnant hormones all to myself!
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| Baby Cleary! |
Monday, June 4, 2012
"The One God Talks About"
I have been seriously neglecting this blog!
I've been in such a panic lately about how much I still have to do before this baby arrives, and so I've been cleaning and organizing for the last few weeks! Stu got a new job, that has VERY long hours, so it's a long day for everyone in my family! We definitely look forward to the weekends.
I decided to come and write a post here because some recent events of this past weekend have been keeping me up at night. I think I need to just write about it.
My best friend, one that I've grown up with, has sometimes been a really shitty friend. We've had a lot of ups and downs recently, mostly starting after I had Gage, I think mostly because we have been going in such different directions in life. The only thing between us that has remained the same is our passionate love for animals. We went through a lot in the past year together, and just recently sat down and went through our friendship and how important we are to each other.
Just in the last 2 weeks, this friend found out that one of her dogs has Lymphoma and that without treatment he has only weeks to live. It was all of a sudden, on a dog that isn't even old. It's so unfair. She is devastated, and I was more then happy to be there and support her through this difficult time. I definitely know if roles were reversed, I would need her shoulder too. Friday morning, just after breakfast, I received a phone call from her in tears. I automatically assumed that something had happened overnight to her dog, until she uttered the words "Mattie broke his leg and needs to be put down. I can't be there, I need you to go to the barn." Mattie is her beloved Quarter Horse gelding she's owned for 11 years. She's had him longer then I've owned Dusty, and I've known him longer then I've known my Dusty. My heart just completely dropped out of my body. I told her I would call her back in 5 minutes, then immediately called a close friend of mine, whom I was supposed to be having a playdate with Friday with our sons at her house. I told her I needed her help, and asked if she could watch Gage for me and possibly let me borrow her car. I knew if she couldn't help me, I'd be stuck calling my mom's work telling them there was an emergency, in which they would take their time telling my mom about, only for her to be told and then completely panic and think something was horribly wrong with Gage or the baby or me. Luckily, this friend is a really awesome and selfless friend and said "of course you can take my car, I'll be there to get you ASAP".
I then did a mad dash around my house while talking to my devastated and heartbroken friend. She was at work, over an hour away from the barn, and knew the vet would make it to her horse before she would. There is nothing you can say to make anyone feel better in that position. I myself was barely holding on by a thread and trying to keep calm for my friend and so that Gage didn't see me upset. I barely managed to get myself dressed, and Gage, pack a small bag for him to take to a friends and vaguely packed a bag for myself of water and food. Gage and I got picked up, drove to my friends house so she could watch the kids there, and then I left to make the 30 minute drive to the barn. It was pouring rain, horrible visibility on the highway and busy.
I've never prayed before, as I'm not a religious person, but I prayed my ass off the whole way to the barn. I had no idea what I was walking into and while I have a very strong stomach and a practical mind, I'd never dealt with this kind of situation in a horse before. I've suffered a lot of loss in my life, and have seen some sad things with animals. But never in an animal as large and fragile and one that I'd known for a majority of my life. One that I hold so dear and one who carries so many memories from my childhood and teenage years.
I arrived at the barn, still pouring rain, and barely remembered to turn off the car before making it into the barn. I saw nothing in the fields. I walked into the barn and was met by the 3 people that were there when it happened. The vet had already come and gone and taken Mattie's pain away. I hugged the barn manager close, and she was crying and held onto me for a few seconds. I think that shook me the most, because she is one of the strongest people I know. Her young cousin, same age as me, looked worse for wear and I hugged her tightly too. I then asked what happened. I was told that in all the excitement of coming in for breakfast, someone kicked out excitedly and kicked Mattie's front right leg, breaking it instantly. There was nothing anyone could do for him except comfort him and wait for the vet to arrive. The barn manager left him in the field for my friend to say goodbye and covered his legs with a blanket.
My friend arrived 20 minutes after me with her boyfriend. I hugged her closely and told her how sorry I was. We walked together to his body so she could say goodbye. He was laying down in a field on top of a hill in the pouring rain. Walking up that hill watching my best friend sob is something I'll never forget as long as I live. Mattie, the beautiful gray horse would never move again, and I found that so eerie. After we walked back to the barn I asked her if she wanted me to get a piece of his tail for her to keep, and she asked me to do it after she left and keep it until she was ready. She left before he was picked up by a removal company so she wouldn't have to see that. I treked out in the pouring rain to gather a clipping of his tail. I took a moment to say my goodbye and pet his beautiful face. I immediately walked to my own horse, 2 fields over, and put my hands under his blanket to feel his warmth while I hugged him. He absolutely knew something had happened to his friend and herd-mate and was quieter then normal. I brought him into the barn with me and fed him horse cookies while I pet his face and cried. I made myself stay until the dead stock removal company came. I stood and watched them take his body while Dusty rested his chin on my shoulder.
I tried to get all my tears out before going to pick up Gage, because I didn't want him to see me so upset. I sat and had pizza at my parents house for dinner and told them what happened. My mom is a huge animal lover like me, and she sobbed when I told her about poor, sweet Mattie. Driving to pick up Stu from the bus terminal, Gage luckily fell asleep. I cried the whole way there.
I have barely slept since then. Everytime I close my eyes I see Mattie laying on that hill again. I can't stop thinking about my friend and all that she is feeling right now. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but there isn't anything. This was such a freak accident that could have happened to anyone. It just breaks my heart that it had to happen to such a sweet old man. As a horse owner, I've never thought that Dusty could go in such tragic circumstances. I've always thought that Stu and I would buy a house with a bit of land, Dusty would retire with me and eventually he'd just start to have "old age problems" and his death would be somewhat planned and I'd be at his side throughout his final moments. I've even thought of all the things I'd whisper in his ear at that moment. I've never imagined not being there for him. Now when I go see him at the barn, I cherish every single moment I get with him. I give him more treats then he probably needs, I brush him just a few minutes longer then I used to. I give him an extra hug and tell him how much I love him when I put him out in his field before leaving. I watch him walk over to his friends before turning around and walking away.
We went to a friend's birthday celebration on Saturday evening, which I attended reluctantly. I was not in any mood to smile or celebrate. I put on a happy face and went. Stuart is in a band, and this celebration was for the bassist of that band. They put on one of their old cd's while getting dinner ready, and an acoustic version of a song they play came on and I realized that it was hands down "Mattie's song". I fought back tears while I listened to it, and Stuart sat beside me rubbing my back silently. I'm going to post it on here now.
To Mattie:
Thanks for all the beautiful memories. When I think back to me pre-teen years, you were such a big part of my life. The best rides I've ever had have been out on the trails with you and Dusty. You were such a sweet, gentle and kind hearted boy. You were such a good friend for so many lovely years. You always made us laugh with your unforgettable quirks, and so many people will remember you as the gentle and quiet gelding with a wild streak. See you on that rainbow bridge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1JcDqvFtQs&list=UU0wGoybAgVhJ_DDODyvFxxw&index=1&feature=plcp
I've been in such a panic lately about how much I still have to do before this baby arrives, and so I've been cleaning and organizing for the last few weeks! Stu got a new job, that has VERY long hours, so it's a long day for everyone in my family! We definitely look forward to the weekends.
I decided to come and write a post here because some recent events of this past weekend have been keeping me up at night. I think I need to just write about it.
My best friend, one that I've grown up with, has sometimes been a really shitty friend. We've had a lot of ups and downs recently, mostly starting after I had Gage, I think mostly because we have been going in such different directions in life. The only thing between us that has remained the same is our passionate love for animals. We went through a lot in the past year together, and just recently sat down and went through our friendship and how important we are to each other.
Just in the last 2 weeks, this friend found out that one of her dogs has Lymphoma and that without treatment he has only weeks to live. It was all of a sudden, on a dog that isn't even old. It's so unfair. She is devastated, and I was more then happy to be there and support her through this difficult time. I definitely know if roles were reversed, I would need her shoulder too. Friday morning, just after breakfast, I received a phone call from her in tears. I automatically assumed that something had happened overnight to her dog, until she uttered the words "Mattie broke his leg and needs to be put down. I can't be there, I need you to go to the barn." Mattie is her beloved Quarter Horse gelding she's owned for 11 years. She's had him longer then I've owned Dusty, and I've known him longer then I've known my Dusty. My heart just completely dropped out of my body. I told her I would call her back in 5 minutes, then immediately called a close friend of mine, whom I was supposed to be having a playdate with Friday with our sons at her house. I told her I needed her help, and asked if she could watch Gage for me and possibly let me borrow her car. I knew if she couldn't help me, I'd be stuck calling my mom's work telling them there was an emergency, in which they would take their time telling my mom about, only for her to be told and then completely panic and think something was horribly wrong with Gage or the baby or me. Luckily, this friend is a really awesome and selfless friend and said "of course you can take my car, I'll be there to get you ASAP".
I then did a mad dash around my house while talking to my devastated and heartbroken friend. She was at work, over an hour away from the barn, and knew the vet would make it to her horse before she would. There is nothing you can say to make anyone feel better in that position. I myself was barely holding on by a thread and trying to keep calm for my friend and so that Gage didn't see me upset. I barely managed to get myself dressed, and Gage, pack a small bag for him to take to a friends and vaguely packed a bag for myself of water and food. Gage and I got picked up, drove to my friends house so she could watch the kids there, and then I left to make the 30 minute drive to the barn. It was pouring rain, horrible visibility on the highway and busy.
I've never prayed before, as I'm not a religious person, but I prayed my ass off the whole way to the barn. I had no idea what I was walking into and while I have a very strong stomach and a practical mind, I'd never dealt with this kind of situation in a horse before. I've suffered a lot of loss in my life, and have seen some sad things with animals. But never in an animal as large and fragile and one that I'd known for a majority of my life. One that I hold so dear and one who carries so many memories from my childhood and teenage years.
I arrived at the barn, still pouring rain, and barely remembered to turn off the car before making it into the barn. I saw nothing in the fields. I walked into the barn and was met by the 3 people that were there when it happened. The vet had already come and gone and taken Mattie's pain away. I hugged the barn manager close, and she was crying and held onto me for a few seconds. I think that shook me the most, because she is one of the strongest people I know. Her young cousin, same age as me, looked worse for wear and I hugged her tightly too. I then asked what happened. I was told that in all the excitement of coming in for breakfast, someone kicked out excitedly and kicked Mattie's front right leg, breaking it instantly. There was nothing anyone could do for him except comfort him and wait for the vet to arrive. The barn manager left him in the field for my friend to say goodbye and covered his legs with a blanket.
My friend arrived 20 minutes after me with her boyfriend. I hugged her closely and told her how sorry I was. We walked together to his body so she could say goodbye. He was laying down in a field on top of a hill in the pouring rain. Walking up that hill watching my best friend sob is something I'll never forget as long as I live. Mattie, the beautiful gray horse would never move again, and I found that so eerie. After we walked back to the barn I asked her if she wanted me to get a piece of his tail for her to keep, and she asked me to do it after she left and keep it until she was ready. She left before he was picked up by a removal company so she wouldn't have to see that. I treked out in the pouring rain to gather a clipping of his tail. I took a moment to say my goodbye and pet his beautiful face. I immediately walked to my own horse, 2 fields over, and put my hands under his blanket to feel his warmth while I hugged him. He absolutely knew something had happened to his friend and herd-mate and was quieter then normal. I brought him into the barn with me and fed him horse cookies while I pet his face and cried. I made myself stay until the dead stock removal company came. I stood and watched them take his body while Dusty rested his chin on my shoulder.
I tried to get all my tears out before going to pick up Gage, because I didn't want him to see me so upset. I sat and had pizza at my parents house for dinner and told them what happened. My mom is a huge animal lover like me, and she sobbed when I told her about poor, sweet Mattie. Driving to pick up Stu from the bus terminal, Gage luckily fell asleep. I cried the whole way there.
I have barely slept since then. Everytime I close my eyes I see Mattie laying on that hill again. I can't stop thinking about my friend and all that she is feeling right now. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but there isn't anything. This was such a freak accident that could have happened to anyone. It just breaks my heart that it had to happen to such a sweet old man. As a horse owner, I've never thought that Dusty could go in such tragic circumstances. I've always thought that Stu and I would buy a house with a bit of land, Dusty would retire with me and eventually he'd just start to have "old age problems" and his death would be somewhat planned and I'd be at his side throughout his final moments. I've even thought of all the things I'd whisper in his ear at that moment. I've never imagined not being there for him. Now when I go see him at the barn, I cherish every single moment I get with him. I give him more treats then he probably needs, I brush him just a few minutes longer then I used to. I give him an extra hug and tell him how much I love him when I put him out in his field before leaving. I watch him walk over to his friends before turning around and walking away.
We went to a friend's birthday celebration on Saturday evening, which I attended reluctantly. I was not in any mood to smile or celebrate. I put on a happy face and went. Stuart is in a band, and this celebration was for the bassist of that band. They put on one of their old cd's while getting dinner ready, and an acoustic version of a song they play came on and I realized that it was hands down "Mattie's song". I fought back tears while I listened to it, and Stuart sat beside me rubbing my back silently. I'm going to post it on here now.
To Mattie:
Thanks for all the beautiful memories. When I think back to me pre-teen years, you were such a big part of my life. The best rides I've ever had have been out on the trails with you and Dusty. You were such a sweet, gentle and kind hearted boy. You were such a good friend for so many lovely years. You always made us laugh with your unforgettable quirks, and so many people will remember you as the gentle and quiet gelding with a wild streak. See you on that rainbow bridge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1JcDqvFtQs&list=UU0wGoybAgVhJ_DDODyvFxxw&index=1&feature=plcp
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