Future goals

It took me a while to figure out how to word this post properly. It's all there in my head, and has been for months, but I can't figure out how to get it out.

This pregnancy has had a lot of ups and downs. I feel like some days I'm still grieving for my friend's horse, Mattie. I feel like what happened to him has been a huge life-changing event that I will never ever forget, as long as I live. It shook me to the core, and made me re-evaluate everything I had originally set out as goals for myself. I think of Mattie every time it rains, every time I go to the barn and look in his field, and every time I see a grey horse. I was already feeling incredibly guilty about the fact that my gelding has taken such a backseat to me raising my family. I don't get out to see him nearly as much as I'd like. I know he doesn't mind, and would much rather be in his humungous field with his buddies, but I still worry that when I look back on my life with him when he's an old boy, I'll regret this time that I didn't spend more time with him.

With everything that happened with Mattie, and all this guilt of not spending more time with my "first born", I've been toying with some things in my head.

I think it's safe to assume that 2 little boys are going to drive me crazy on a regular basis. I think the best way for me to get my "me" time is to go to the barn. Then I started thinking about my 9 years so far with Dusty and what we've accomplished. He's an awesome horse. He's taught countless children how to ride, is far more patient then I could ever be, extremely forgiving in every single instance and literally never puts a toe out of place. Numerous people have told me he's "worth his weight in gold". While those that know him are quick to praise his qualities that make him great with kids, they are also quick to categorize him as this "old schoolie". He's built extremely long, and his conformation works against him in pretty much every discipline. He loves to jump, the higher the better, but suffered a back injury 2 years ago and his "big" jumping days are pretty much over. While he's sound and happy now, it took a lot of work (and money) to make him that way. I bought him originally because I wanted to event him. He's evented before, and LOVED it (and won!) but when I first got him I boarded him at a facility where majority of the boarders did the QH circuits and schooling shows with emphasis on the "QH way". At the time, I was okay with not eventing, and just happy to go with the flow. Now, looking back, I'm sad that I didn't event him. I can easily say that I never took Dusty (or myself!) to his full potential.

He'll be 17 next summer, and while there are some horses that just recently competed in the London 2012 Olympics that were 17 years old and older, I still feel like that's old for my Dusty. I know we have so much work ahead of us, but I think it needs to be done. I don't want to show, and I don't have a set list of goals for us to accomplish. I just want to go further then we did before. I want us to both be in the best physical shape we've ever been in, and to be able to full use our bodies properly, shitty conformation or not. I'm really determined to go out 3-4 times a week, get lessons once a week, and work our flabby bums off! I'll be dragging the new baby with me most of the time, but after telling my barn manager (and close friend) my idea, she said "no one is going to blink an eye to you breastfeeding in the corner of the barn or to a stroller sitting in the corner of the arena with a crying baby in it".

I don't usually care what other's think of me (or of Dusty), but I just know that Dusty and I are capable of more then what other's have assumed we aren't. I'm doing this to "stick it to 'em". I already know that when I go to the coach that works out of my barn, I'm going to be laughed at a little. If not, she'll try to sway me into learning on another horse, that has more "potential" then Dusty. I'm prepared for that.

Really, the number 1 reason why I'm going to do this, is that when it comes to Dusty's "end", I don't want to look back and feel like I didn't do enough with him. I want to be able to say to him "look what we did!"

Now that I've written all this out here, I'll feel even more guilty if I read this next year and didn't do it. It's going to take a lot of juggling and time, but we can do it.

I'm super lucky that my husband is totally supportive of this. I don't know what I'd do without him behind me in everything I do!

I'm going to post on here before pictures (of both of us) and then progress pictures too. I think the journey will be hard but well worth it in the end.