Happily Married

While Stuart and I haven't been married long (3 years this November), I'm able to safely say that we have a solid marriage. I also feel like over the years we've been together, I've been able to compile a list of what to do and not to do in a marriage and ways you can improve your married life. Or at least what works for us. Seeing as your partner is someone that you live with and are "stuck" with for the rest of your life, I think we can all agree that it is a constant work in progress. We are constantly evolving as we age and go through life experiences, which means our relationships also evolve and change. Here are some observations I've made, not only in my own marriage, but in observing others.

...And no, my husband does not know I'm writing this, hehe!

10 Steps to Being Happily Married

10. Love and respect yourself first. You can't expect someone to love you for who you are if you don't! This is so much more common then people think.
9. Never EVER EVER EVER talk negatively about your spouse. EVER. I don't care if it is to your mom, your BFF, a priest or ANYONE. Just don't. It will always come back to you and afterwards you will ALWAYS feel guilty. Loyalty is sexy, even if you're mad as hell. My parents are guilty of doing this, and I learned it specifically from them and make sure I DON'T do the same. I know, I just ratted out my mom and dad. Sorry.
8. No name-calling. No matter how angry you are at your spouse, refrain from name-calling when arguing with him/her. It's demoralizing to the other person, below the belt, and just overall damaging to the relationship.
7. Don't sweat the small stuff/pick your battles. Yes, my husband LOVES to track mud through the house with his workboots. ALWAYS after I vacuum. It's not cool. Yes, I clean it up. USUALLY I don't comment. You know why? Because I make a mess in the kitchen when I cook, and he cleans it up. He USUALLY doesn't comment either. He also NEVER changes the toilet paper roll. I always discover this too late. It sucks. I used to take the empty roll and chuck it at him, wherever he was in the house. Now I just change it. He also gets toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror when he brushes his teeth. It drives me CRAZY. But at the end of a long work week, he comes home from a week away working really hard and he plays with the boys and gives them baths and does the bedtime routine. Or he gets up early the next morning with them to let me sleep. So I let it go.
6. It's okay to tease and be sarcastic. It's not okay to do so at the expense of the other person's emotions. There is a line, and seeing as it is your spouse that you live with and know so well, the other spouse usually knows where that line exists. Just don't cross it. If they do, make sure you voice that your feelings are hurt. It's okay to come down to that level and admit that you didn't like something they said. This way, not only will it not happen in the future, but it will also keep the "airwaves" open- and talking about how you feel is far more important then most husbands (sorry guys) are willing to admit.
5. Make a point to ask the other how his/her day was! This is something that I will openly admit I have a hard time remembering. Stu has a hard job and works long hours. It's physically testing, and mentally tiring. I stay home with 2 crazy kids and some days I feel like I'm ready to rip my hair out. It's important to ask on those days how the other is doing, because respecting the responsibilities your spouse has and validating that they work hard can make a HUGE difference. I always feel so much more capable when Stu acknowledges how hard MY job is.
4. Trust and faith. This is also something I have a hard time with! I'm a little bit of a control freak (only a little), and I tend to do all the organizing and planning in the family. My desk as I write this is littered with my "lists" for various activities and I'm pretty well known for my "list ridiculousness". Stu is a "fly-by-my-seat" sorta guy, and is perfectly okay with things being planned for him. As previously posted, we are moving (a week today!) and while Stu has been away all month long, I've been organizing the move. I finally had a massive overflowing plate, so I decided to pass some things off to Stu. I told him to find a moving truck. While I keep feeling this nagging doubt that he won't find something and will fail miserably, I also know that he has never let me down. I know he'll find something, because I asked him to and because he's awesome. And just because.
3. Make time for dates! I stress this a lot, but mostly because I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old and Stuart and I haven't been on a date in a really really long time. We make a point to have a "home date" on weekends, where we make really yummy snack food and watch a new movie. We also need to get out more. Sometimes relaxing without kids can relieve stress from work, kids, finances, and any other responsibilities  It reminds us why we ended up together in the first place.
2. Romance is NOT dead. Don't even get me started. This goes both ways, and should not be put solely on the guy! It's a 50/50 job! I have a very "unromantic" husband by most "standards" (and by "standards" I mean Hollywood, lol). He doesn't make a point to plan candle light dinners and plan dates for us, but mostly because I'M a control freak and plan everything for us. He is really good at picking presents for birthdays and Christmas, and really thoughtful when it comes to gift giving. He says really sweet things that even 5 years into our relationship make me blush like a schoolgirl! I rag on him sometimes for not being romantic enough, but really, he's romantic enough by MY standards.
1. Lastly and MOST importantly, communicate! It's so important to talk! I know, I'm a girl, and any man that just read that literally rolled their eyes. But it IS true. Stu and I actually don't fight often, we have heated conversations, but usually it's because we are both upset about the same thing and on the same "side" in the "argument" and just venting. The few times we have had "fights" (and I should definitely iterate that fighting in a relationship is HEALTHY), he fights like how I would call, a typical man. It drives me a little nuts. After 5 years, he seems to slowly get that it's really important for us to talk it out and solve our issues. Generally in a fight, Stu walks away (while muttering, or yelling) and yells from another room. He so rarely "fights" with me face to face unless I corner him (literally, physically corner him). He also raises his voice REALLY early in any "argument". It also seems that no matter how big of a fight we have, he is perfectly capable of rolling over in bed and going to sleep while I lay there fuming while I toss and turn all night long. Actually, not all night. I usually end up waking him. And making him talk more. I can't not resolve things quickly. Maybe that isn't healthy, but it's my "fighting style". Stu finally seems to be catching on. The way I see it, is that I just don't want to leave things angry and then have him go away for a week of work while we aren't talking. I always think what if something happens to him and that is the last conversation we ever have? I don't want the last conversation we have to be out of anger, I want the last thing to have been said between us was "I love you, have a good week".

While I know this list is pretty vague, and Stuart and I haven't been married long, these key basics work for us. I think I'll come back and re-do this list after we've been married for 30+ years and see what has changed!

About Me

I know it has been a while since I last posted. We have decided to move as of June 1st, so things have a been a bit hectic here!

We are moving across town to a more centralized spot, and also going from our massive 4 bedroom house (that we don't even use all of!) to a 3 bedroom home. We are excited and looking forward to the move, but I'm going to be so sad leaving this house.

I was recently updating some of my website (http://clearyhealthandwellness.healthcoach.integrativenutrition.com/) and while filling out the "About Me" section, I realized just how far I've come in the last 3 years!

I used to be marginally shy. Once someone got to know me, I never shut up, but up until that point I was pretty quiet (I think a lot of people will have a hard time believing that!). Things changed after I had Gage, and I became a bit more outspoken and especially more opinionated. A lot of that had to do with our decision to raise him as a vegetarian. We were met with a lot of skepticism and that made my back go up and I was constantly on the "defense mode" with other's, even if they were supportive. From there on out, up until more recently, I came across as a negative and angry person. That also talked a lot.

I thought I would share a little bit about why I decided to become a "veggie" and why I continue to raise my family as "little veggies" as well.

Since childhood I've not liked eating meat. I was picky about the texture, what it looked like, the temperature, everything! My parents used to make me sit at the table until all my steak/chicken/pork was done. I'd eat all my veggies, but never did I eat all my meat. As I became older and moved out, I decided that eating animals was not for me. I have always been a huge animal lover, and knowing that one suffered such a miserable beginning, middle and end just so I could have a burger didn't sit well with me. So I stopped eating meat. I was still pretty young, and did very little research to make sure I was still eating healthy. Over the years, I slowly got my hands onto some amazing books and documentaries and I learned more about vegetarianism. I began to slowly discover the health benefits to not eating animal products (or at least less animal products, I consumed eggs and dairy for a while). I began to share my findings with friends and family. No one seemed to care, and I was always angry that people chose to live in, what I called, ignorance. How can someone claim to love animals so much but still enjoy a steak?

The phrase "I love animals, I don't really eat meat. Just chicken and turkey" used to make me so angry!

When Gage was born and I all of a sudden had this adorable little person to care for, I knew in my heart I couldn't possibly give him meat when I didn't eat it. I knew nothing about raising a vegetarian child. So I read some more. I visited health care professionals. I'm lucky that my family doctor, while skeptical at first, gave me resources and trusted my judgement. He is now one of our largest supporters. We had so many people, both friends and family, try to talk us out of raising Gage a veggie. People assumed he wouldn't grow at the same rate as other kids, he'd be behind mentally, would get sick all the time, etc etc etc. We were even in some cases laughed at! All of this made me mad. I knew I was doing what was best for my family and people dared question so much of what I was doing. I was so lucky to have such a supportive husband, who did just as much reading as I did and decided on his own terms to also become a veggie. I was so proud of him! I still consider myself the luckiest girl alive.

Over the years, people have noticed that Gage is very rarely sick, has grown rapidly and is advanced in every way for his age. He eats a ton of veggies and fruits. He has this incredible thirst for life and makes so many people laugh and smile everyday. Then people just started curiously asking questions about our diet. Or they just started respecting the fact that we don't consume meat, and they became okay with that. My parents started planning dinners that were meatless whenever we came over for dinner.

Then I became pregnant with Finn, and started down a different path of my journey. I learned so much about myself during my pregnancy, labor and delivery. Shortly after, I became a student at Integrative Nutrition and realized that I really shouldn't be so negative and angry! People eat how they know, and people like me were meant to inspire people to live the best life they can, the healthiest way possible!

Not everyone was mean to be a veggie. Some people feel better physically and mentally while eating small amounts of animal protein. Do I think we, as a whole, need to consume less animal protein and animal products? Absolutely, hands down, without-a-freaking-doubt. With the obesity rate, chronic heart disease rate, cancer rate, diabetes rate, and a myriad of other diseases, we could all use a change. Food can heal anything.

So now, when someone says something like "Where do you get your protein?", "Your children are vegetarian/vegan? Do they grow the same rate that other children do?", "What do you eat/feed your children?" and the million other questions I get, instead of becoming angry and my back going up, I explain with a smile that yes, we are vegetarians, and yes, we are transitioning to veganism. We eat a ton of fruits, vegetables, beans and whole grains, my children are both above average for weight and height, are happy and healthy and very rarely (if ever) sick, protein is in vegetables and other natural sources and we LOVE knowing that nothing has to die or suffer in order for us to eat.

The moment I realized I needed to stop being so negative and angry, so many positive changes started happening for us. Now my family backs us in our decision and my parents have become vegetarian as well. My sister, completely on her own, decided to become a vegetarian (with very limited eggs and dairy) and I couldn't be more proud of them all!

Support System

Having a positive support system is really important. While I've had ups and downs in the last year and learned who my real friends are, I've also been so lucky to have such supportive people in my life. I have parents that stand behind all my endeavors 100% and never waiver in their loyalty, and a really really really supportive husband. I'm so lucky!

I also have 4 friends I'm going to humiliate by mentioning.

These 4 ladies check in on me when I'm alone all week while Stu is away for work, cheer me up with jokes and offer empathy when needed. They also offer amazing advice and wisdom. They are forever motivating and inspiring me to be a better person.

First off, is Ricky Bobby (which is what Gage calls her, not her real name). She's the older sister of an ex-boyfriend of mine, and while that should be weird and awkward, it usually isn't. Her whole family is full of the most incredibly loving people. Long after her brother and I split, I'm still welcome in their home, with my husband and kids, and invited to social gatherings. Gage is best friends with her son, and watching them grow together is so much fun. I don't think I would have made it through my first pregnancy without Ricky Bobby, and even though at the time she lived 2 provinces away from me, we texted all day every day. She's hilarious, awesome at cheering me up, and I can 100% of the time expect at least a "that really sucks" from her when I'm having a shitty day. She lets me rant to her about silly things, and swear a lot, and we both vent about "bad mommy days". She is hands down one of the best listeners ever. If I have a bad day, or if anything happens and I need someone, I know I could call her and she'd be there within minutes. With wine.

Second is Stacy. Her and I have known each other for years, and it first started with horses. Long before kids, I boarded Dusty at the barn she and her fiance (now husband) were running. My first impression of her was this beautiful bubbly blonde that literally has everything in the best way possible. She's positive ALL the time, loves everyone with all her heart, is an awesome riding coach that can convince you to do the hardest things on horseback while saying "please", and is such a good friend. I was lucky enough to attend her wedding back when I still boarded Dusty at her place, and it is hands down the best wedding I've ever attended. Her husband is hilarious, and together they are two of my favourite people ever. Stacy had her first son the same year I had Gage, and was pregnant when I told her I was pregnant (she was one of the first people I told and her first reaction was to GIGGLE). She has helped me with motherhood more then she could ever know. She now has 1 year old twins, and is such an inspiration as a mother, as a horseperson and overall as a person. I can go to her house and our kids will play while we talk all day about horses and kids. She always says the stuff everyone is thinking but hasn't said yet, she's the most hilarious drunk I've ever met, and always the life and center of every get-together/party. If Stacy attends your party, then you know it will be a good one. She came and sat up late with me shortly after I had Finn and talked to me because I was having such a hard time breastfeeding. She's definitely one of a kind.

Third is Fiona. Fiona has been mentioned on here before, and we originally know each other from work. I was working for a cable company as a customer service rep, while she was a supervisor at the head office. We've never met in person, but she has become such an incredible friend. She is in the same Nutrition school that I am, just a bit ahead of me. She was who told me about the program and encouraged me to do it. She is so wise, and whenever I'm having a bad day can offer advice that always cheers me up and make me feel like my world isn't crashing down. She motivates me to live a happier life and to chase my dreams. We keep saying we wish we lived closer (really, it IS only an hour or so separating us!). When I have a problem that I can't quite work out myself, I go to her. She recently taught me the power of forgiving those that have wronged me, and how damaging holding onto a grudge and the anger really is. She is the beginning of my journey since starting IIN, and I'm so lucky to have her there throughout as well.

Fourth is my newest friend, Haley. We both attend IIN. There seemed to be some kind of fate that brought us together, we connected on our facebook group for school and added one another as friends. We are so much alike, I'm pretty sure we were sisters in another life. She lives across the country in British Columbia. We both love animals, gardening and health. We are so like minded, it's a little scary! There hasn't been anything yet we don't have in common. We are both what we have named "canaries" and have both had the unfortunate experience of being friends with others that just don't "get it". Or us. But that is all okay now, because we found each other! While Stu was away for work last week, she took time out of her crazy busy day with her 2 kids and messaged me asking how I was. It was so nice to know someone was thinking about me, and took the time to make sure I was okay. While our friendship is new, I've learned that she is so much stronger then she thinks she is and capable of anything she puts her mind to. During our Live Conference we live streamed for school last weekend, we messaged each other whenever something inspiring struck us. I'm so excited for the future with this friend, and having her by my side on our IIN journey!

Each of these people has shaped me and helped me throughout ups and downs in my life. I feel so lucky to have each and every one of them, more then any of them could ever know. The friendships with these ladies is something I value very much, and with each of them by my side I feel like I can absolutely accomplish anything! I owe each one of you so much, and hope one day I can do the same for you like you have for me.

Music Feeds the Soul

I love music, and was raised in a house full of all different kinds of music. My parents were into playing classic rock, soul, classical, country and rock growing up. I make fun of them now, because as they have moved into their 50's, the music they listen to now has warped into what I refer to as "old people music" (sorry mom and dad). But they used to be so cool! My mom loved the Monkee's growing up, and my dad was a Beatles, Meatloaf, Pink Floyd fan growing up. I remember I went through a phase a few years ago where I was mega jealous of the fact that my parents were teenagers in the 70's with awesome music.

Stuart also grew up with great music as a strong influence, his first concert was as a kid with his parents- Rolling Stones! How awesome is that?!

I strongly believe music shapes us and influences how we think and feel. Certain songs remind you of a different time in your life. The song by Foo Fighters "Best of You" reminds me of the summer after graduating highschool. Spice Girls reminds me of being a kid in grade school (back when my dad used to blare Zeppelin while driving me to school and I was SO embarassed) and anything by Fallout Boy reminds me of my first semester of university. I'm pretty open to all kinds of music, and will listen to anything depending on my mood. When I drive to the barn and while at the barn, I listen to country. When at home with the kids we listen to Top 40 and upbeat music. When hanging out with friends I love listening to Jason Mraz, Mumford and Sons and Philip Phillips.

The best advice ever given to me was offered by an old boss of mine in a stupid coffee house job I had after a breakup with a silly boy. He told me "don't listen to country music when you have a broken heart". I use that now, and don't listen to country when I'm sad or in a bad mood.

During my pregnancy with Finn, while I was planning my waterbirth at home and going to a midwife, I found the song "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. Whenever I was having a day where the fear of natural childbirth would start to creep up, I would turn on that song and remember why I'm doing it. It spoke volumes to me, and I used to listen to it on repeat all day long. I thought briefly about listening to it in labor, but I never even thought of it while I was actually in labor. Time went too fast! I haven't been able to listen to it lately because it reminds me of a time when I was vulnerable and facing a huge challenge and it used to make me tear up. It reminds me of the love for my children and how much I value and love my relationship with Stu and how lucky I am. I listened to it last night while trying to fall asleep and it was just so re-affirming for me. Here is a link to the youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns

The other song I love to listen to reminds me of the journey I've taken to get to this point. Being in IIN (my school) has really introduced me to myself and given me a glimpse of how my life can be. I went so long being this angry defensive person, and now I'm learning to feel again and re-learn what my life is all about. I just love this song, by One Republic, "Feel Again". Here is the youtube link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tMKO_9SD1Y

How has music shaped your life?