Happily Married

While Stuart and I haven't been married long (3 years this November), I'm able to safely say that we have a solid marriage. I also feel like over the years we've been together, I've been able to compile a list of what to do and not to do in a marriage and ways you can improve your married life. Or at least what works for us. Seeing as your partner is someone that you live with and are "stuck" with for the rest of your life, I think we can all agree that it is a constant work in progress. We are constantly evolving as we age and go through life experiences, which means our relationships also evolve and change. Here are some observations I've made, not only in my own marriage, but in observing others.

...And no, my husband does not know I'm writing this, hehe!

10 Steps to Being Happily Married

10. Love and respect yourself first. You can't expect someone to love you for who you are if you don't! This is so much more common then people think.
9. Never EVER EVER EVER talk negatively about your spouse. EVER. I don't care if it is to your mom, your BFF, a priest or ANYONE. Just don't. It will always come back to you and afterwards you will ALWAYS feel guilty. Loyalty is sexy, even if you're mad as hell. My parents are guilty of doing this, and I learned it specifically from them and make sure I DON'T do the same. I know, I just ratted out my mom and dad. Sorry.
8. No name-calling. No matter how angry you are at your spouse, refrain from name-calling when arguing with him/her. It's demoralizing to the other person, below the belt, and just overall damaging to the relationship.
7. Don't sweat the small stuff/pick your battles. Yes, my husband LOVES to track mud through the house with his workboots. ALWAYS after I vacuum. It's not cool. Yes, I clean it up. USUALLY I don't comment. You know why? Because I make a mess in the kitchen when I cook, and he cleans it up. He USUALLY doesn't comment either. He also NEVER changes the toilet paper roll. I always discover this too late. It sucks. I used to take the empty roll and chuck it at him, wherever he was in the house. Now I just change it. He also gets toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror when he brushes his teeth. It drives me CRAZY. But at the end of a long work week, he comes home from a week away working really hard and he plays with the boys and gives them baths and does the bedtime routine. Or he gets up early the next morning with them to let me sleep. So I let it go.
6. It's okay to tease and be sarcastic. It's not okay to do so at the expense of the other person's emotions. There is a line, and seeing as it is your spouse that you live with and know so well, the other spouse usually knows where that line exists. Just don't cross it. If they do, make sure you voice that your feelings are hurt. It's okay to come down to that level and admit that you didn't like something they said. This way, not only will it not happen in the future, but it will also keep the "airwaves" open- and talking about how you feel is far more important then most husbands (sorry guys) are willing to admit.
5. Make a point to ask the other how his/her day was! This is something that I will openly admit I have a hard time remembering. Stu has a hard job and works long hours. It's physically testing, and mentally tiring. I stay home with 2 crazy kids and some days I feel like I'm ready to rip my hair out. It's important to ask on those days how the other is doing, because respecting the responsibilities your spouse has and validating that they work hard can make a HUGE difference. I always feel so much more capable when Stu acknowledges how hard MY job is.
4. Trust and faith. This is also something I have a hard time with! I'm a little bit of a control freak (only a little), and I tend to do all the organizing and planning in the family. My desk as I write this is littered with my "lists" for various activities and I'm pretty well known for my "list ridiculousness". Stu is a "fly-by-my-seat" sorta guy, and is perfectly okay with things being planned for him. As previously posted, we are moving (a week today!) and while Stu has been away all month long, I've been organizing the move. I finally had a massive overflowing plate, so I decided to pass some things off to Stu. I told him to find a moving truck. While I keep feeling this nagging doubt that he won't find something and will fail miserably, I also know that he has never let me down. I know he'll find something, because I asked him to and because he's awesome. And just because.
3. Make time for dates! I stress this a lot, but mostly because I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old and Stuart and I haven't been on a date in a really really long time. We make a point to have a "home date" on weekends, where we make really yummy snack food and watch a new movie. We also need to get out more. Sometimes relaxing without kids can relieve stress from work, kids, finances, and any other responsibilities  It reminds us why we ended up together in the first place.
2. Romance is NOT dead. Don't even get me started. This goes both ways, and should not be put solely on the guy! It's a 50/50 job! I have a very "unromantic" husband by most "standards" (and by "standards" I mean Hollywood, lol). He doesn't make a point to plan candle light dinners and plan dates for us, but mostly because I'M a control freak and plan everything for us. He is really good at picking presents for birthdays and Christmas, and really thoughtful when it comes to gift giving. He says really sweet things that even 5 years into our relationship make me blush like a schoolgirl! I rag on him sometimes for not being romantic enough, but really, he's romantic enough by MY standards.
1. Lastly and MOST importantly, communicate! It's so important to talk! I know, I'm a girl, and any man that just read that literally rolled their eyes. But it IS true. Stu and I actually don't fight often, we have heated conversations, but usually it's because we are both upset about the same thing and on the same "side" in the "argument" and just venting. The few times we have had "fights" (and I should definitely iterate that fighting in a relationship is HEALTHY), he fights like how I would call, a typical man. It drives me a little nuts. After 5 years, he seems to slowly get that it's really important for us to talk it out and solve our issues. Generally in a fight, Stu walks away (while muttering, or yelling) and yells from another room. He so rarely "fights" with me face to face unless I corner him (literally, physically corner him). He also raises his voice REALLY early in any "argument". It also seems that no matter how big of a fight we have, he is perfectly capable of rolling over in bed and going to sleep while I lay there fuming while I toss and turn all night long. Actually, not all night. I usually end up waking him. And making him talk more. I can't not resolve things quickly. Maybe that isn't healthy, but it's my "fighting style". Stu finally seems to be catching on. The way I see it, is that I just don't want to leave things angry and then have him go away for a week of work while we aren't talking. I always think what if something happens to him and that is the last conversation we ever have? I don't want the last conversation we have to be out of anger, I want the last thing to have been said between us was "I love you, have a good week".

While I know this list is pretty vague, and Stuart and I haven't been married long, these key basics work for us. I think I'll come back and re-do this list after we've been married for 30+ years and see what has changed!