Stress and Anxiety

I do not handle stress well. At all. Stuart will be the first to attest to this.

I can't sleep, I either stop eating or I become the biggest emotional eater ever. I sit and just stare into space and stress out. I gets canker sores in my mouth. I get migraines. I cry a lot.

Every family, I think anyway, has financial ups and downs. Stuart and I have had our fair share over the years we've been together, some big and some not so big. It doens't seem to matter how tiny the financial problem is, I still become super stressed out.

This week something stressed me out, and I began down the road that I normally do of super-stress-mania. About half a day into this, I suddenly stopped and thought to myself "what am I doing?!?".

I decided I don't want to live my life stressing out over every tiny bump in the road. There will be many bumps in the road. No matter how hard you try, there will always be something that goes wrong. And so there should be! It's how we learn and grow and learn to APPRECIATE the things we have.

So that's where I am. I've decided to give up the stressing and the anxiousness I feel when we have a problem. I take deep breaths, I sit and have a tea by myself. I play with my two awesome little boys that make me laugh. Before I knew it, I felt so much better!

The other thing I've come to notice about stressful times, whether it be financially or some other issue, is that things always work themselves out. At least so far for us! We always find a way, and we always get through it together.

On another note, the community that came with my school is absolutely incredible! My fellow classmates are from all over the world and so supportive and loving! We all have made our health a priority, and there seems to be so many happy people in the group. I'm so glad I found them all! Here's to many great friendships!

I feel so blessed and lucky to be on this journey, and I'm so excited about what the next year will bring!

Forgive

I have a friend that is doing the same program I am through Integrative Nutrition. She's a bit ahead of me, and it was her that inspired me to sign up. She's been such a supportive friend and yesterday she was able to help me deal with something that has been keeping me up at night.

Losing a friend is never easy. It's hard no matter what, but it is especially difficult when it happens on angry terms. I overthink everything naturally, and I'm very quick tempered. I have learned a lot about myself this year so far, and the one thing I learned yesterday I think is the most important.

I need to learn to let go and forgive others for hurting me.

I know I've done nothing wrong, and if I could go back I would handle myself and the situation in question the exact same way. I'm proud of myself for keeping my cool and for showing strength and dignity when I could have instead "lost it".

Now I find myself full of anxiety and feeling like I DID do wrong. Even though I KNOW I didn't. It's not fair to myself to think like this, and it's wasting a lot of energy on someone that doesn't deserve it.

I realize after talking to this friend yesterday, that none of what happened was my fault. It was me that got the angry and hurt words because I told someone something they didn't want to hear. They weren't ready to face reality, and likely never will. They are controlled by their "ego", and anger is an easier emotion then dealing with all the other emotions and problems that exist in their current life. This person is hurt, embarassed, ashamed, confused and lost. I was the one that was close when they realized all this, but instead of being an adult and dealing with it, they chose the easy way out and I was better to lash out at then themselves.

While I would never find myself in a friendship role with this person again, I forgive them for their years of lashing out and insecurities. That's okay, because none of it has to do with me. I'm a good friend and I tried, my damndest, to help and make this person comfortable in their own skin.

I forgive myself for giving up control of my own emotions and allowing them to be clouded by anger and fear. I have nothing to be ashamed of in how I acted or the things that I said.

I will now move forward and live the life I work hard for and enjoy every single moment without a single regret. I have a beautiful family, loving and supportive friends, and so much to look forward to. I am letting go of the years I put myself, albeit unnecessarily but with good intentions, in the middle of something I clearly could not fix. I know that one day this person will realize the error of her many ways and hopefully forgive herself too.

Thank you Fiona, for being so wonderful. I owe you more then I could ever possibly put into words. xoxo

Messy House!

One of the many things I've learned this week is that I am obsessively clean. I kind of already knew this fact, but while doing some schoolwork I was asked the question, "what do you spend a majority of your time doing?". While caring for my children isn't time wasted (not to mention it is necessary), it came a close second to cleaning. I think I actually spend most of my time cleaning. Or thinking about cleaning. When I thought about how much cleaning and "planning to clean" I do every single day, it's a little concerning! Becoming a mother made me a neat freak. To the point of OCD tendencies. I hate a messy house, and I wake up every morning and while eating breakfast I think about all the CLEANING I have to do that day. Even after I clean, I still make lists (mentally or written down.... I'm the queen of lists!) of what I need to clean. My house is always pretty spotless. If I know someone is coming over, or if I know Stu is on his way home from work, I start cleaning all over again. It's consuming.

I realized I need to let go of this. Stu says he doesn't care if he comes home and the house is messy and he has to clean a bit. If I clean less, I would be able to spend more time doing the things I love... like playing with my kids, or going to ride my horse. Who cares if it's clean!

I think a lot of this stems from when I was a kid and my mom was a SAHM. She always made sure the house was spotless before my dad came home because if she didn't, he'd ask "what were you doing all day?". He expected a clean house, clean kids and food on the table for him. When I talked to my mom about this, she told me it was like that in her house as a kid growing up. Her mother was the same. The "tidy your room and clean yourself up, your father is on his way home" was said every single day. The mother was the protector and didn't want the father to know that anything besides cleaning and cooking and caring for children was done that day... along with awaiting his arrival home from work so he can be served.

I love my dad and I love my papa (who died when I was young) but they both need a smack.

When I am 90 years old, I don't want my biggest accomplishment to be that my house was always spotless.

Screw cleaning! Here's to a messy house!

New Beginnings

My first day of school was yesterday! I loved it so much more then I ever thought I would. I have realized now that a big part of my happiness, and probably any mother really, is to make time for myself!


Tonight I am going for my first haircut in 2 years. I went to the barn on the weekend and had a whole day with my very hairy horse, without the kids. And last night when Stu got home, I passed the kids to him so I could shower in peace, and then when the kids were FINALLY in bed I poured myself a big glass of wine to celebrate.

Finn is getting his 2 bottom front teeth and is so miserable. I think he'll look even cuter with some little baby teeth, but it's still hard to believe he's big enough for teeth! He started having cereal this week and loves it, and I started to purée food to freeze and stock up on for when he starts that as well. I think he'll be ready soon!

Here's some pictures of my very hairy horse this past weekend.

I've also become interested in meditation. I haven't tried it yet, but I LOVE the idea of sitting alone in a quiet room and just closing my eyes and being at peace with my thoughts. If only there was such a room in my house! Stu and I are thinking about changing our dining room (that we never use!) into a home office for me and my business. It would be especially good for when I have clients coming to the house. I'm hoping to close it off, which might also make it perfect for meditation! Fingers crossed! I can't wait to see what this year will bring!

What's in a Name?

Tomorrow is the first day of school!

I've been doing course work that was suggested before starting tomorrow and I began thinking about what I should call my health coaching business. I want something creative, but I couldn't think of anything. My mind just kept drawing a blank.

I finally decided on Cleary Health and Wellness. I think it sounds professional, and while I wanted to stick with "The Veggie Stew" I think that makes it sound like I would only cater to vegetarian/vegan clients, which I won't be.

I've come up with so many ideas for creating and sustaining a health coaching business, I sometimes will even think of something right before falling asleep and have to ingrain that idea into memory so I won't forget (getting up to write it down would take far too much effort once I'm already cozy in my warm bed!). I even realized that over the years I've come up with a lot of recipes all on my own and some of them I'm really proud of. It would be a neat idea to compile them all into a cookbook. Whether I actually find the time to really organize it and send it into a publisher or if I just put it together and include it in a package for clients that sign up with me as some extra healthy recipes for them to try while on their journey to a healthier life, who knows! It might be fun to try either option!

Some of my lectures (most of them!) that I've been listening to in preparation for tomorrow are so motivating! I'm so enjoying listening to others speak who have accomplished so much!

One of the speakers quoted Martin Luther King Jr and I found it so inspiring.

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I'm a Student again!

I start school on this coming Monday the 18th!

I'm so so SOOOO excited! I don't remember ever being this excited about school, I remember it being so dull! I feel a little overwhelmed by the massive overload of information and I'm going to be doing some major time management juggling to try and make sure I can stretch myself to every corner. I'm lucky Stu is supportive, and hopefully he'll be home early enough in the evenings to take over the bedtime routine so I can get some work done.

It's been so long since I've been a student!

Hopefully I won't be too busy to blog! It's been such a saving grace this winter while being stuck inside with all the cold weather! Here's hoping it warms up before the easter weekend so we can spend some time outside playing!

It's amazing how something like school has already helped my emotional and mental state before even starting! Having that time to myself has been so nice, even if I am reading and watching lectures to prepare myself for Monday. Hopefully that continues!

Responsibility

A friend suggested a documentary and I decided to watch it today while kiddies were napping. It's called "Food Matters". I am blown away by how many documentary have been made in the last 5 years about our health crisis! It makes me so happy that these movies have been made and that people are watching them!

One thing that was mentioned in the movie that really spoke to me, was how our health is our responsibility. It is! No one else is in charge of how we take care of our body. There are so many diets out there that lead people in the wrong direction, and so many people start these diets half-heartedly and are literally doomed to fail and end up yo-yo dieting. You have to be willing to read, research and DIG and find out all you can about the health epidemic and then WANT to change. Otherwise, like any other diet, you are doomed to fail. Sure, eating that bag of chips, or that popcorn, or that chocolate bar would make you feel so good at the time. And taste SO good!

...But wouldn't you rather be healthy? To have that satisfaction that you are disease free, not overweight, reducing your chance of chronic illness by more then 50%, have more energy, save money, be balanced body and mind? Not to mention the mental and emotional benefits to eating properly! The self-satisfaction is endless!

It takes a lifestyle change.

Here's a link to the trailer for Food Matters.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4DOQ6Xhqss

Things Kids Say...

This morning Gage came into my room after I had just gotten dressed and was settling down to nurse Finn and asked me, "Mom, what did you do last night?" I responded with "I slept, in my bed. What did you do last night?" and he said, "I growed! In my bed! See? I'm a man now!"

I laughed for a full 10 minutes, at least, and am still chuckling to myself when I think about it.

I need a lot of positive vibes sent my way and fingers crossed. On Friday I have a meeting to see if I qualify for a student loan to do the Integrative Nutrition course and become a Health Coach. There is a new semester starting March 18th that I would like to be apart of, and if I don't get this loan I won't be able to do it until at least the next semester which is 6 months from now. I know I would excel being a Health Coach and to have something so close within reach yet so far away makes me so nervous. I've been trying to stay postitive but that's really hard for a pessismist like me!

Fingers crossed!

Love Your Body

I know this is easier then said then done, especially for all those mama's out there with bodies that have endured pregnancy and childbirth.


We live in a society with so many images of what "should" be the "norm". It all rolls into women everywhere dieting, covering up and hating themselves. It makes me sad.


My mom (sorry mom) is one that dyes her hair (again, sorry mom!), buys into the anti-aging products on the market and so rarely leaves the house without her makeup on. If you go to the local drug store and walk down the aisles in the beauty section, there are shelves upon shelves full of anti-aging cream and products that are supposed to make stretch marks "disappear".


The commercials for Victoria Secret literally make me see red. Our children grow up watching those commercials, and those like them, and believe THAT is the image of a "perfect" woman.


I LOVE my stretch marks! I have no problem with them, and would have no problem baring them all in a bikini. I earned them! Those stretch marks mean that I carried life inside me (twice) and birthed TWO healthy, beautiful boys. There should be NO SHAME in that! I think we need to learn to embrace our post-baby bodies.


These images here sum up exactly how I feel:

"A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's ok. It was your home. It help you until my arms could. And for that I will always find something beautiful in it."

Unspoken

There seems to be this unspoken rule about post postpartum depression. That we shouldn't talk about it. It's shameful. It means you're weak. Crazy. Emotional. Depressed.


I am not ashamed to admit that I am suffering from post postpartum depression. I did not know much about it, and never in a million years did I think it would affect me. As a teenager, I suffered from depression at a certain stage in my life. I always just chalked it up to those crazy teenager emotions and to be honest, I just sort of laugh it off now.


I made an appointment with my family doctor a few weeks ago because I knew I needed help. I would have a bad day and I would feel like nothing could possibly make me feel better. My beautiful children could not cheer me up. My wonderfully understanding husband could not make it better. The little things I took such joy in previously seemed so gloomy. I was just always miserable and on the verge of panic. I was lucky to get into my doctor fairly quickly, and upon hearing my concerns, my doctor sat down and listened to me ramble about how dark I feel some days. He took me seriously, and told me it is NOT my fault. There is nothing that can explain why I feel this way, that thousands of researchers have tried to find and explanation for post postpartum depression to no avail, so I shouldn't try to explain it either. He also said that because I was previously depressed as a teen, I was absolutely prone to it again. He told me I need to make sure I make time for myself. Take a bath, read a book, sit and relax with a tea. Go visit my incredibly wonderful horse. He prescribed me a very mild anti-depressant (that is safe to take while nursing) and I've just made sure that I stop and take a deep breath. I think to myself how bad days don't mean the world is ending, that I need to remember that my children will never EVER be this small again and to enjoy every second. That housework will wait. Bills will wait (sort of). I also make sure that I talk about it to my husband and my close friends. I'm lucky to have a great group of friends from my barn. Most of them are mothers and so understanding. One of them suggested taking vitamins, and to eat better and take care of myself. The less tired I feel and the better I take care of myself, the better I will feel mentally and emotionally.


I also started seriously thinking about where I want my life to go. I do not want to be a stay-at-home mom forever. I want a career of my own that I love and one that brings me happiness. I want to help animals and I want to help people. I found this online program- through a friend- that I am really interested in. I would have a year of school and then graduate to become a "Health Coach". I'm still in the process of researching, but so far I am so excited about what I've read. I'm already so passionate about nutrition and truly believe that the health crisis that exists can only be solved by good nutrition and healthy living, and this program just expands on those ideals. It sounds right up my alley!


I read this post today on Facebook and I think it put a lot into perspective for me. I'll share it here, because I think it will speak volumes to other parents as well.