I'm a stay at home mom. I went on my year of maternity with Gage, and instead of going back to work at a job that I absolutely hated, I stayed home. We had to make sacrifices in order to do it, but we manage. While I by no means have anything against working mom's, I just felt like it was a better choice for my son. I know all mom's (or most that I've talked to) have said how hard it is to tear themselves away after 1 year with their baby to go back to work, and how hard it is to drop them off at daycare and walk away. While that is part of the reason why I didn't go back to work, I also couldn't bear the thought of someone else taking part in raising my child, and getting to bear witness to the little things that I would miss while working.
I did briefly look into going back to work. I figured we wouldn't financially survive unless I did, so I began the process of looking for daycares. I found a few "at home" daycares that interested me, but I found another obstacle because of our vegetarian diet. Each daycare insisted that I pay the regular daily fee/weekly fee and then also provided my own food for each day that Gage went to them. At the time, he was also lactose intolerant so unable to consume dairy. I found that so frustrating on top of everything else. We had to move in with my parents in order for me to stay home full time, and Stuart became the sole provider for our family and had(s) a lot sitting on his shoulders.
We have enough to go around for each of us, and while we don't have a flatscreen tv, fancy clothes or regular haircuts (for me anyways!) we have food in our fridge and our bills are all current. I'm sure if I went back to work, we would accomplish a lot more financially and be able to achieve our dream of buying a house with property sooner. But when I think of the little things I would miss each day just because I want a house a year earlier or nice clothes, I couldn't do it. Every morning Gage comes stumbling sleepily into my room and climbs into bed with me with a "morning mommy". We eat breakfast together and play games and read books together and sing songs. While I have things I do each day around the house, like cleaning (and there's always A LOT of cleaning, we have a big house!), laundry, cooking etc, I always make time to sit with Gage and do letters of the alphabet and drawing pictures and telling stories. I don't want anyone else doing that stuff with him! He has playdates with other little boys his age, and is not at all behind socially. My husband comes home each day to a clean house with clean laundry and food waiting for him and a big hug from a clean 2 year old.
Since being pregnant, sometimes my daily chores are a challenge, and I know it will continue to be so after this baby is born. 2 kids will be harder to keep up with! I dread what my house will look like during the first few weeks following birth. I can't wait to get a routine down!
I have a friend that has her child in daycare. While she financially doesn't HAVE to work to get by because of what her husband does for a living, she chooses to just to have lots of money. Her kid has a ridiculous amount of toys and clothes and defends how spoiled her child is to the 10th degree. Her kid is a good kid, a little rambunctious and gets away with a lot, but I think a lot of it is the "only child syndrome" that I certainly know I went through myself until my sister came along when I was 6 years old. I just feel like even though we don't give Gage lavish gifts for his birthday and Christmas, and he has a moderate amount of toys and clothes, he gets so much more by me being home. I find that with my friends that work and have children, it is as though they feel guilty for putting their children in daycare so instead they spoil them with material items. That is not at all how I want to raise my child. I think the most shocking thing for me was learning that parents (some, not all) or I should say "the tooth fairy" leaves $10 and even $20 bills for teeth nowadays! Those kids will grow up expecting an allowance of $100 a week! I want my children to grow up learning the value of a dollar, so "the tooth fairy" will be leaving toonies for teeth at my house!
My mom was a stay at home mom for 17 years. I think my sister and I benefited a lot by having her home with us, especially in the beginning. She went back to work after 17 years though, and is currently working at a job she hates and struggles to find something better because of such a large gap in her work history. I refuse to let myself stay home for that long, my plan is to go back to work by the time this youngest baby (who will definitely be our last baby!) starts school. I plan on doing online courses starting 2013 for a career that I passionately love. Being a stay at home mom has taught me that life isn't worth living if you are going to a job everyday that you hate. Not only that, but it taught me that if you want something, you can make it happen. Only you are in charge of your destiny and your goals and where you want to be in a few years. My biggest pet peeve is when people complain about the job they have. Hate it? Get a new one! Don't have the training/qualifications to do what you love? Find a way! It IS possible!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
"I see it feelingly"
I just watched a 10 minute video online of a man making a speech for animal rights at a debate in Australia. It completely blew my mind, and is hands down the most captivating speech I've ever heard. He left absolutely no room for argument, and addressed every possible end. People like this man, Philip Wollen, make my heart just soar! I wish there were more people that could passionately portray this kind of speech to those that are so against it.
I'm going to post the link to the transcript, and the video. It speaks for itself.
http://freefromharm.org/videos/educational-inspiring-talks/philip-wollen-australian-philanthropist-former-vp-of-citibank-makes-blazing-animal-rights-speech/
Enjoy!
I'm going to post the link to the transcript, and the video. It speaks for itself.
http://freefromharm.org/videos/educational-inspiring-talks/philip-wollen-australian-philanthropist-former-vp-of-citibank-makes-blazing-animal-rights-speech/
Enjoy!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I Carry Your Heart
I feel like this post needs to be dedicated to my husband, and this is an advance warning that it might get a little sappy because my pregnancy hormones are insanely sappy lately.
My husband, Stuart, is without a doubt the most hardworking and selfless person I've ever known. I come from a family where hard work is the norm. My dad and both grandfather's were hardworking men, and incredible influences for my sister and I. They are proof that hardwork does pay off. My dad especially, will stop at nothing to provide for his family. Growing up, he worked all hours just to make sure we had food on the table. Stuart has done so much for our little family, single handed. Seeing as he is the sole bread-winner, he doesn't have much choice but to work hard, but what I love so much about him (or one of the many things I should say!) is that he never once complains. He gets up at 3am to catch a ride to work with my Dad, who commutes everyday. My dad is done work by approx 1pm everyday, but yet Stuart doesn't finish work until after 5pm everyday. That means he is gone working from 3am until past 5pm. He takes the train or bus home, and sometimes doesn't get in until well after 7pm. He still comes home smiling, and Gage runs into his arms everyday, super excited to see him. Then he eats a quick dinner, and instead of laying on the couch drinking a beer, he spends time with Gage and gives him a bath. He does the nighttime routine with Gage, because it's the only time he gets to see him all day and it gives me a break.
He is also super modest about his "super dad" ability. All kids just love Stu, and he never hestitates to have a conversation in "baby talk" with a friends baby, or pick up a friends crying baby and give them a cuddle. Gage was my first child, but he is Stuart's 3rd. I was intimidated by the crying at night, and the sleep deprivation, and the little things that new parents often worry about. Stuart was always there to say "it's okay, he's just tired, here, do this...." and all would be good in the world. My midwife asked me last month if we were planning on doing the "baby classes" this time around at the hospital and my response was "Stuart could teach that class". I'm not worried or intimidated about having 2 young boys, because I have Stuart and he is super dad.
Stuart hates when people buy him gifts, whenever my mom or I ask him "what do you want for your birthday/Christmas?" he goes "nothing, don't buy me anything!" and it drives us insane. He'd rather buy Gage something, or me. And he has one pair of pants, which are the holiest jeans I've ever seen. They are pretty much unwearable.
As far as men go, I picked the perfect one. When I compare him to any other guy I dated, those other guys aren't even half the man my Stuart is. I've never thought so highly of anyone before, and I'm lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of my life with him!
Our wedding was small and a surprise wedding, (for everyone in attendence, not us) and the poem that was read in the vows always makes me think of him when I read it.
My husband, Stuart, is without a doubt the most hardworking and selfless person I've ever known. I come from a family where hard work is the norm. My dad and both grandfather's were hardworking men, and incredible influences for my sister and I. They are proof that hardwork does pay off. My dad especially, will stop at nothing to provide for his family. Growing up, he worked all hours just to make sure we had food on the table. Stuart has done so much for our little family, single handed. Seeing as he is the sole bread-winner, he doesn't have much choice but to work hard, but what I love so much about him (or one of the many things I should say!) is that he never once complains. He gets up at 3am to catch a ride to work with my Dad, who commutes everyday. My dad is done work by approx 1pm everyday, but yet Stuart doesn't finish work until after 5pm everyday. That means he is gone working from 3am until past 5pm. He takes the train or bus home, and sometimes doesn't get in until well after 7pm. He still comes home smiling, and Gage runs into his arms everyday, super excited to see him. Then he eats a quick dinner, and instead of laying on the couch drinking a beer, he spends time with Gage and gives him a bath. He does the nighttime routine with Gage, because it's the only time he gets to see him all day and it gives me a break.
He is also super modest about his "super dad" ability. All kids just love Stu, and he never hestitates to have a conversation in "baby talk" with a friends baby, or pick up a friends crying baby and give them a cuddle. Gage was my first child, but he is Stuart's 3rd. I was intimidated by the crying at night, and the sleep deprivation, and the little things that new parents often worry about. Stuart was always there to say "it's okay, he's just tired, here, do this...." and all would be good in the world. My midwife asked me last month if we were planning on doing the "baby classes" this time around at the hospital and my response was "Stuart could teach that class". I'm not worried or intimidated about having 2 young boys, because I have Stuart and he is super dad.
Stuart hates when people buy him gifts, whenever my mom or I ask him "what do you want for your birthday/Christmas?" he goes "nothing, don't buy me anything!" and it drives us insane. He'd rather buy Gage something, or me. And he has one pair of pants, which are the holiest jeans I've ever seen. They are pretty much unwearable.
As far as men go, I picked the perfect one. When I compare him to any other guy I dated, those other guys aren't even half the man my Stuart is. I've never thought so highly of anyone before, and I'm lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of my life with him!
Our wedding was small and a surprise wedding, (for everyone in attendence, not us) and the poem that was read in the vows always makes me think of him when I read it.
[I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart]
I carry your heart with me (I
carry it in
my heart) I am never without
it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and
whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my
darling)
I
fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my
sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are
my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a
moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always
sing is you
here is the deepest secret
nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a
tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or
mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's
keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it
in my heart)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Karma
I'm a big believer in karma. Revenge and "sticking it to them" is really fun. I know this from personal experience (as do my ex boyfriends) but it is not nearly as satisfying as just stepping back and letting karma run it's course.
I don't think anyone will ever figure out how "the universe" works and how karma really plays it's role. All of it is just way over my head. I'd like to think that good people get good things, and bad people get bad things. I wish it were that easy and that it was really how our world worked. It never ceases to amaze me how bad things can happen to good, honest, hardworking people. There are a lot of idiots out there, with sick and horrible minds that do horrible unspeakable things. The only thing that gets me to sleep at night after hearing about an abused animal or a missing child is that the person responsible will just get what is coming to them. If I didn't think like that, I'm the type of person that would just let anger fester and it would just eat me alive.
I hate people that are just bad. I'm all about having those "gut feelings" or sensing something just isn't right. My dog, Max, is really sensitive to people and emotions around him, and is usually the first one to tell me "I don't like this person". Usually he'll just give out a little growl, or ignore them completely and sit beside me. I always trust that instinct of his. The people that piss me off the most, besides the ones that do things intentionally to good people that don't deserve it, are those that pretend they aren't doing anything wrong. They pretend that they are the victims. But really they know they are being assholes intentionally.
Stuart and I are good people. We are huge animal lovers and rescue all our animals. We have good friends that rally around us when we need them to. We have wonderful family. Stuart is the most hardworking and selfless person I know and does everything he can to support us. I strive to be a better wife and mother. We do our best to help those that need it, whenever we can. We both believe in the motto "hardwork pays off". Our goals for the future do not include being rich and having a huge house with a maid. We aren't materialistic with flat screen tv's and fancy clothes. We just want to one day own a house with a bit of land so we can have some animals (all rescues, of course!) and live the quiet and happy life.
I just have to hold faith in all that and hope that because we are good people, we will reach our goals. We are working hard to get where we want to be. We are not "stepping" on anyone along the way, and we remember to appreciate the little things in life.
This is what I think about when we have a bad week. One of our close friends told me last night "don't worry, things always work out" and he is absolutely right.
I'm a big worrier. Sometimes my worrying consumes me. Actually. Stu is always telling me to stop worrying and getting ahead of myself. It's one of the things everyone just knows about me. Lol. Along with the fact that I'm "strongly opinionated" and have a slight temper. But after I relax a little, and remember to think logically, I come to the same conclusion: Everything will work itself out. Because we are hardworking, honest, and good.
I don't think anyone will ever figure out how "the universe" works and how karma really plays it's role. All of it is just way over my head. I'd like to think that good people get good things, and bad people get bad things. I wish it were that easy and that it was really how our world worked. It never ceases to amaze me how bad things can happen to good, honest, hardworking people. There are a lot of idiots out there, with sick and horrible minds that do horrible unspeakable things. The only thing that gets me to sleep at night after hearing about an abused animal or a missing child is that the person responsible will just get what is coming to them. If I didn't think like that, I'm the type of person that would just let anger fester and it would just eat me alive.
I hate people that are just bad. I'm all about having those "gut feelings" or sensing something just isn't right. My dog, Max, is really sensitive to people and emotions around him, and is usually the first one to tell me "I don't like this person". Usually he'll just give out a little growl, or ignore them completely and sit beside me. I always trust that instinct of his. The people that piss me off the most, besides the ones that do things intentionally to good people that don't deserve it, are those that pretend they aren't doing anything wrong. They pretend that they are the victims. But really they know they are being assholes intentionally.
Stuart and I are good people. We are huge animal lovers and rescue all our animals. We have good friends that rally around us when we need them to. We have wonderful family. Stuart is the most hardworking and selfless person I know and does everything he can to support us. I strive to be a better wife and mother. We do our best to help those that need it, whenever we can. We both believe in the motto "hardwork pays off". Our goals for the future do not include being rich and having a huge house with a maid. We aren't materialistic with flat screen tv's and fancy clothes. We just want to one day own a house with a bit of land so we can have some animals (all rescues, of course!) and live the quiet and happy life.
I just have to hold faith in all that and hope that because we are good people, we will reach our goals. We are working hard to get where we want to be. We are not "stepping" on anyone along the way, and we remember to appreciate the little things in life.
This is what I think about when we have a bad week. One of our close friends told me last night "don't worry, things always work out" and he is absolutely right.
I'm a big worrier. Sometimes my worrying consumes me. Actually. Stu is always telling me to stop worrying and getting ahead of myself. It's one of the things everyone just knows about me. Lol. Along with the fact that I'm "strongly opinionated" and have a slight temper. But after I relax a little, and remember to think logically, I come to the same conclusion: Everything will work itself out. Because we are hardworking, honest, and good.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
"Harry Potter"
I forgot to actually post on here the gender of this baby! We held a gender reveal party at the end of May to find out by cutting into a cake with either blue or pink icing. The ultrasound technician wrote the gender down on paper for me and sealed it in an envelope for me to take to a cake maker.
.....It's a boy!!!!!
We are so thrilled to have another little boy join our family! I'm going to be a bit over run, seeing as the only other female in the house is my diva little guinea pig!
I'm so glad we get to have another boy, Gage has been so much fun. I actually don't think I'm cut out to handle girls, and all the drama that comes with them as teens. Boys are smelly and squish bugs and jump in dirt and eat things off the floor.... but I'm okay with all that!
Stuart and I decided to not reveal the name we've decided on for this baby until he is born. It started off as a joke, but then once we saw how much it drove my parents crazy, we decided to continue with the torture. We are huge readers in our house, and huge Harry Potter fans. I've been reading them since I was really young and grew up with the series. The name we picked is actually a character's name in the book, though not a main role. We've of course heard it other places as well, but originally we both read the name in HP. Because of this, this unborn little boy is now referred to as "Harry Potter" by all our relatives!
We also decided to decorate the nursery in a Harry Potter theme. Not the "disney" version with life size HP stickers on the walls, but tastefully. We are going to make it look like a little wizard really resides in the room! I've put some ideas together and I'm so excited to put it all together as a whole. The walls will be painted a neutral cream colour with the exception of the one wall where the crib will be. That wall will have wide vertical stripes painted in the neutral cream, and a little darker yellow. It won't be a huge standout thing, and the room is small, it's just to showcase the crib itself. We plan on stenciling onto the wall above the crib "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good" and underneath "Mischief Managed!" (only HP fans will know what that means!).
My mom is going to help me with a quilt that we'll make from scratch for the crib. It's going to have all HP items on it. Snitches, owls, lions, the Deathly Hallows symbol etc with all the Hogwarts House colours and little lightning bolts in the corners.
I've started to put together a little hand made mobile. It will hang from the ceiling, with a cross piece of 2 sticks painted gold and hanging down will be antique keys (I just got them from ebay last week!) and attached to each key will be red and gold ribbon (Gryiffindor house colours) and small cards with spells from the books written on each one to twirl around.
We plan on finding an old lamp (my mom has part of one we can use) for on the dresser, and we are going to get a dark wood crib and I've been looking on Kijiji for an old antique dark wood dresser. My mom and I are also going to make red and gold curtains too.
I have some other small ideas that I might add later, but for the most part that is the base of the room!!
I'll make sure to post before and after pictures, I can't wait to show it off!
I'll try to update the blog more often too, I find it really therapeutic to write here when I'm having a bad day. There's no way I can keep these pregnant hormones all to myself!
We are so thrilled to have another little boy join our family! I'm going to be a bit over run, seeing as the only other female in the house is my diva little guinea pig!
I'm so glad we get to have another boy, Gage has been so much fun. I actually don't think I'm cut out to handle girls, and all the drama that comes with them as teens. Boys are smelly and squish bugs and jump in dirt and eat things off the floor.... but I'm okay with all that!
Stuart and I decided to not reveal the name we've decided on for this baby until he is born. It started off as a joke, but then once we saw how much it drove my parents crazy, we decided to continue with the torture. We are huge readers in our house, and huge Harry Potter fans. I've been reading them since I was really young and grew up with the series. The name we picked is actually a character's name in the book, though not a main role. We've of course heard it other places as well, but originally we both read the name in HP. Because of this, this unborn little boy is now referred to as "Harry Potter" by all our relatives!
We also decided to decorate the nursery in a Harry Potter theme. Not the "disney" version with life size HP stickers on the walls, but tastefully. We are going to make it look like a little wizard really resides in the room! I've put some ideas together and I'm so excited to put it all together as a whole. The walls will be painted a neutral cream colour with the exception of the one wall where the crib will be. That wall will have wide vertical stripes painted in the neutral cream, and a little darker yellow. It won't be a huge standout thing, and the room is small, it's just to showcase the crib itself. We plan on stenciling onto the wall above the crib "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good" and underneath "Mischief Managed!" (only HP fans will know what that means!).
My mom is going to help me with a quilt that we'll make from scratch for the crib. It's going to have all HP items on it. Snitches, owls, lions, the Deathly Hallows symbol etc with all the Hogwarts House colours and little lightning bolts in the corners.
I've started to put together a little hand made mobile. It will hang from the ceiling, with a cross piece of 2 sticks painted gold and hanging down will be antique keys (I just got them from ebay last week!) and attached to each key will be red and gold ribbon (Gryiffindor house colours) and small cards with spells from the books written on each one to twirl around.
We plan on finding an old lamp (my mom has part of one we can use) for on the dresser, and we are going to get a dark wood crib and I've been looking on Kijiji for an old antique dark wood dresser. My mom and I are also going to make red and gold curtains too.
I have some other small ideas that I might add later, but for the most part that is the base of the room!!
I'll make sure to post before and after pictures, I can't wait to show it off!
I'll try to update the blog more often too, I find it really therapeutic to write here when I'm having a bad day. There's no way I can keep these pregnant hormones all to myself!
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| Baby Cleary! |
Monday, June 4, 2012
"The One God Talks About"
I have been seriously neglecting this blog!
I've been in such a panic lately about how much I still have to do before this baby arrives, and so I've been cleaning and organizing for the last few weeks! Stu got a new job, that has VERY long hours, so it's a long day for everyone in my family! We definitely look forward to the weekends.
I decided to come and write a post here because some recent events of this past weekend have been keeping me up at night. I think I need to just write about it.
My best friend, one that I've grown up with, has sometimes been a really shitty friend. We've had a lot of ups and downs recently, mostly starting after I had Gage, I think mostly because we have been going in such different directions in life. The only thing between us that has remained the same is our passionate love for animals. We went through a lot in the past year together, and just recently sat down and went through our friendship and how important we are to each other.
Just in the last 2 weeks, this friend found out that one of her dogs has Lymphoma and that without treatment he has only weeks to live. It was all of a sudden, on a dog that isn't even old. It's so unfair. She is devastated, and I was more then happy to be there and support her through this difficult time. I definitely know if roles were reversed, I would need her shoulder too. Friday morning, just after breakfast, I received a phone call from her in tears. I automatically assumed that something had happened overnight to her dog, until she uttered the words "Mattie broke his leg and needs to be put down. I can't be there, I need you to go to the barn." Mattie is her beloved Quarter Horse gelding she's owned for 11 years. She's had him longer then I've owned Dusty, and I've known him longer then I've known my Dusty. My heart just completely dropped out of my body. I told her I would call her back in 5 minutes, then immediately called a close friend of mine, whom I was supposed to be having a playdate with Friday with our sons at her house. I told her I needed her help, and asked if she could watch Gage for me and possibly let me borrow her car. I knew if she couldn't help me, I'd be stuck calling my mom's work telling them there was an emergency, in which they would take their time telling my mom about, only for her to be told and then completely panic and think something was horribly wrong with Gage or the baby or me. Luckily, this friend is a really awesome and selfless friend and said "of course you can take my car, I'll be there to get you ASAP".
I then did a mad dash around my house while talking to my devastated and heartbroken friend. She was at work, over an hour away from the barn, and knew the vet would make it to her horse before she would. There is nothing you can say to make anyone feel better in that position. I myself was barely holding on by a thread and trying to keep calm for my friend and so that Gage didn't see me upset. I barely managed to get myself dressed, and Gage, pack a small bag for him to take to a friends and vaguely packed a bag for myself of water and food. Gage and I got picked up, drove to my friends house so she could watch the kids there, and then I left to make the 30 minute drive to the barn. It was pouring rain, horrible visibility on the highway and busy.
I've never prayed before, as I'm not a religious person, but I prayed my ass off the whole way to the barn. I had no idea what I was walking into and while I have a very strong stomach and a practical mind, I'd never dealt with this kind of situation in a horse before. I've suffered a lot of loss in my life, and have seen some sad things with animals. But never in an animal as large and fragile and one that I'd known for a majority of my life. One that I hold so dear and one who carries so many memories from my childhood and teenage years.
I arrived at the barn, still pouring rain, and barely remembered to turn off the car before making it into the barn. I saw nothing in the fields. I walked into the barn and was met by the 3 people that were there when it happened. The vet had already come and gone and taken Mattie's pain away. I hugged the barn manager close, and she was crying and held onto me for a few seconds. I think that shook me the most, because she is one of the strongest people I know. Her young cousin, same age as me, looked worse for wear and I hugged her tightly too. I then asked what happened. I was told that in all the excitement of coming in for breakfast, someone kicked out excitedly and kicked Mattie's front right leg, breaking it instantly. There was nothing anyone could do for him except comfort him and wait for the vet to arrive. The barn manager left him in the field for my friend to say goodbye and covered his legs with a blanket.
My friend arrived 20 minutes after me with her boyfriend. I hugged her closely and told her how sorry I was. We walked together to his body so she could say goodbye. He was laying down in a field on top of a hill in the pouring rain. Walking up that hill watching my best friend sob is something I'll never forget as long as I live. Mattie, the beautiful gray horse would never move again, and I found that so eerie. After we walked back to the barn I asked her if she wanted me to get a piece of his tail for her to keep, and she asked me to do it after she left and keep it until she was ready. She left before he was picked up by a removal company so she wouldn't have to see that. I treked out in the pouring rain to gather a clipping of his tail. I took a moment to say my goodbye and pet his beautiful face. I immediately walked to my own horse, 2 fields over, and put my hands under his blanket to feel his warmth while I hugged him. He absolutely knew something had happened to his friend and herd-mate and was quieter then normal. I brought him into the barn with me and fed him horse cookies while I pet his face and cried. I made myself stay until the dead stock removal company came. I stood and watched them take his body while Dusty rested his chin on my shoulder.
I tried to get all my tears out before going to pick up Gage, because I didn't want him to see me so upset. I sat and had pizza at my parents house for dinner and told them what happened. My mom is a huge animal lover like me, and she sobbed when I told her about poor, sweet Mattie. Driving to pick up Stu from the bus terminal, Gage luckily fell asleep. I cried the whole way there.
I have barely slept since then. Everytime I close my eyes I see Mattie laying on that hill again. I can't stop thinking about my friend and all that she is feeling right now. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but there isn't anything. This was such a freak accident that could have happened to anyone. It just breaks my heart that it had to happen to such a sweet old man. As a horse owner, I've never thought that Dusty could go in such tragic circumstances. I've always thought that Stu and I would buy a house with a bit of land, Dusty would retire with me and eventually he'd just start to have "old age problems" and his death would be somewhat planned and I'd be at his side throughout his final moments. I've even thought of all the things I'd whisper in his ear at that moment. I've never imagined not being there for him. Now when I go see him at the barn, I cherish every single moment I get with him. I give him more treats then he probably needs, I brush him just a few minutes longer then I used to. I give him an extra hug and tell him how much I love him when I put him out in his field before leaving. I watch him walk over to his friends before turning around and walking away.
We went to a friend's birthday celebration on Saturday evening, which I attended reluctantly. I was not in any mood to smile or celebrate. I put on a happy face and went. Stuart is in a band, and this celebration was for the bassist of that band. They put on one of their old cd's while getting dinner ready, and an acoustic version of a song they play came on and I realized that it was hands down "Mattie's song". I fought back tears while I listened to it, and Stuart sat beside me rubbing my back silently. I'm going to post it on here now.
To Mattie:
Thanks for all the beautiful memories. When I think back to me pre-teen years, you were such a big part of my life. The best rides I've ever had have been out on the trails with you and Dusty. You were such a sweet, gentle and kind hearted boy. You were such a good friend for so many lovely years. You always made us laugh with your unforgettable quirks, and so many people will remember you as the gentle and quiet gelding with a wild streak. See you on that rainbow bridge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1JcDqvFtQs&list=UU0wGoybAgVhJ_DDODyvFxxw&index=1&feature=plcp
I've been in such a panic lately about how much I still have to do before this baby arrives, and so I've been cleaning and organizing for the last few weeks! Stu got a new job, that has VERY long hours, so it's a long day for everyone in my family! We definitely look forward to the weekends.
I decided to come and write a post here because some recent events of this past weekend have been keeping me up at night. I think I need to just write about it.
My best friend, one that I've grown up with, has sometimes been a really shitty friend. We've had a lot of ups and downs recently, mostly starting after I had Gage, I think mostly because we have been going in such different directions in life. The only thing between us that has remained the same is our passionate love for animals. We went through a lot in the past year together, and just recently sat down and went through our friendship and how important we are to each other.
Just in the last 2 weeks, this friend found out that one of her dogs has Lymphoma and that without treatment he has only weeks to live. It was all of a sudden, on a dog that isn't even old. It's so unfair. She is devastated, and I was more then happy to be there and support her through this difficult time. I definitely know if roles were reversed, I would need her shoulder too. Friday morning, just after breakfast, I received a phone call from her in tears. I automatically assumed that something had happened overnight to her dog, until she uttered the words "Mattie broke his leg and needs to be put down. I can't be there, I need you to go to the barn." Mattie is her beloved Quarter Horse gelding she's owned for 11 years. She's had him longer then I've owned Dusty, and I've known him longer then I've known my Dusty. My heart just completely dropped out of my body. I told her I would call her back in 5 minutes, then immediately called a close friend of mine, whom I was supposed to be having a playdate with Friday with our sons at her house. I told her I needed her help, and asked if she could watch Gage for me and possibly let me borrow her car. I knew if she couldn't help me, I'd be stuck calling my mom's work telling them there was an emergency, in which they would take their time telling my mom about, only for her to be told and then completely panic and think something was horribly wrong with Gage or the baby or me. Luckily, this friend is a really awesome and selfless friend and said "of course you can take my car, I'll be there to get you ASAP".
I then did a mad dash around my house while talking to my devastated and heartbroken friend. She was at work, over an hour away from the barn, and knew the vet would make it to her horse before she would. There is nothing you can say to make anyone feel better in that position. I myself was barely holding on by a thread and trying to keep calm for my friend and so that Gage didn't see me upset. I barely managed to get myself dressed, and Gage, pack a small bag for him to take to a friends and vaguely packed a bag for myself of water and food. Gage and I got picked up, drove to my friends house so she could watch the kids there, and then I left to make the 30 minute drive to the barn. It was pouring rain, horrible visibility on the highway and busy.
I've never prayed before, as I'm not a religious person, but I prayed my ass off the whole way to the barn. I had no idea what I was walking into and while I have a very strong stomach and a practical mind, I'd never dealt with this kind of situation in a horse before. I've suffered a lot of loss in my life, and have seen some sad things with animals. But never in an animal as large and fragile and one that I'd known for a majority of my life. One that I hold so dear and one who carries so many memories from my childhood and teenage years.
I arrived at the barn, still pouring rain, and barely remembered to turn off the car before making it into the barn. I saw nothing in the fields. I walked into the barn and was met by the 3 people that were there when it happened. The vet had already come and gone and taken Mattie's pain away. I hugged the barn manager close, and she was crying and held onto me for a few seconds. I think that shook me the most, because she is one of the strongest people I know. Her young cousin, same age as me, looked worse for wear and I hugged her tightly too. I then asked what happened. I was told that in all the excitement of coming in for breakfast, someone kicked out excitedly and kicked Mattie's front right leg, breaking it instantly. There was nothing anyone could do for him except comfort him and wait for the vet to arrive. The barn manager left him in the field for my friend to say goodbye and covered his legs with a blanket.
My friend arrived 20 minutes after me with her boyfriend. I hugged her closely and told her how sorry I was. We walked together to his body so she could say goodbye. He was laying down in a field on top of a hill in the pouring rain. Walking up that hill watching my best friend sob is something I'll never forget as long as I live. Mattie, the beautiful gray horse would never move again, and I found that so eerie. After we walked back to the barn I asked her if she wanted me to get a piece of his tail for her to keep, and she asked me to do it after she left and keep it until she was ready. She left before he was picked up by a removal company so she wouldn't have to see that. I treked out in the pouring rain to gather a clipping of his tail. I took a moment to say my goodbye and pet his beautiful face. I immediately walked to my own horse, 2 fields over, and put my hands under his blanket to feel his warmth while I hugged him. He absolutely knew something had happened to his friend and herd-mate and was quieter then normal. I brought him into the barn with me and fed him horse cookies while I pet his face and cried. I made myself stay until the dead stock removal company came. I stood and watched them take his body while Dusty rested his chin on my shoulder.
I tried to get all my tears out before going to pick up Gage, because I didn't want him to see me so upset. I sat and had pizza at my parents house for dinner and told them what happened. My mom is a huge animal lover like me, and she sobbed when I told her about poor, sweet Mattie. Driving to pick up Stu from the bus terminal, Gage luckily fell asleep. I cried the whole way there.
I have barely slept since then. Everytime I close my eyes I see Mattie laying on that hill again. I can't stop thinking about my friend and all that she is feeling right now. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but there isn't anything. This was such a freak accident that could have happened to anyone. It just breaks my heart that it had to happen to such a sweet old man. As a horse owner, I've never thought that Dusty could go in such tragic circumstances. I've always thought that Stu and I would buy a house with a bit of land, Dusty would retire with me and eventually he'd just start to have "old age problems" and his death would be somewhat planned and I'd be at his side throughout his final moments. I've even thought of all the things I'd whisper in his ear at that moment. I've never imagined not being there for him. Now when I go see him at the barn, I cherish every single moment I get with him. I give him more treats then he probably needs, I brush him just a few minutes longer then I used to. I give him an extra hug and tell him how much I love him when I put him out in his field before leaving. I watch him walk over to his friends before turning around and walking away.
We went to a friend's birthday celebration on Saturday evening, which I attended reluctantly. I was not in any mood to smile or celebrate. I put on a happy face and went. Stuart is in a band, and this celebration was for the bassist of that band. They put on one of their old cd's while getting dinner ready, and an acoustic version of a song they play came on and I realized that it was hands down "Mattie's song". I fought back tears while I listened to it, and Stuart sat beside me rubbing my back silently. I'm going to post it on here now.
To Mattie:
Thanks for all the beautiful memories. When I think back to me pre-teen years, you were such a big part of my life. The best rides I've ever had have been out on the trails with you and Dusty. You were such a sweet, gentle and kind hearted boy. You were such a good friend for so many lovely years. You always made us laugh with your unforgettable quirks, and so many people will remember you as the gentle and quiet gelding with a wild streak. See you on that rainbow bridge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1JcDqvFtQs&list=UU0wGoybAgVhJ_DDODyvFxxw&index=1&feature=plcp
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
It's been a while!
It's been a while since my last post... I feel guilty!
I've been so sick. It seems all I can do is lie down and sleep all day. I don't remember feeling this bad with Gage, and I was sick the entire 9 months. I'll be 14 weeks on Saturday, so I'm hoping there's a big change next week and that I feel way better!
We've been so housebound lately and it's so boring. I miss my horse and being at the barn. I think I'm going to try to get out by this weekend, the fresh air will probably do me good. Hopefully my horse is finally shedding out his raggedy winter coat, which would be a good sign that spring is finally here!
I'm so determined to change so many things about my riding ability, I wish I wasn't feeling so crummy so I could work on some things. Last night I watched the Buck Brannaman documentary with Stu and I loved it. What that man can do with a horse is magic. I'm a skeptic when it comes to the Parelli "way" to natural horsemanship, and I think it can be effective if it's in the right hands, but it feels to me like Parelli was just out to make a buck by commercializing all his products the way he has. Not to mention the videos that have gone viral at clinics of him doing things that can't really be explained by his "Parelli system". Buck is the real deal, I'd kill to go to one of his clinics. I know that Dusty isn't the one with the problems, I'm the one that made him how he is. I've learned so many valuable lessons over the years as his owner, but I think the biggest thing is that I should never underestimate him. All his bad habits and "problems" exist because of MY habits. I'm the one that needs to fix those habits before I can fix his. I can't wait for next year when I can hopefully really concentrate on getting on track with my riding. It'll be good to set goals for myself and have that time at the barn away from kids. Yay me time!
If I can make it to the barn on Saturday, I'll have to bring Gage. That may or may not be a complete nightmare. Wish me luck!
Here's a link to the trailer for the Buck documentary. Whether your a horse person or not, it's a great movie!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IShjmWYuHZ0
I've been so sick. It seems all I can do is lie down and sleep all day. I don't remember feeling this bad with Gage, and I was sick the entire 9 months. I'll be 14 weeks on Saturday, so I'm hoping there's a big change next week and that I feel way better!
We've been so housebound lately and it's so boring. I miss my horse and being at the barn. I think I'm going to try to get out by this weekend, the fresh air will probably do me good. Hopefully my horse is finally shedding out his raggedy winter coat, which would be a good sign that spring is finally here!
I'm so determined to change so many things about my riding ability, I wish I wasn't feeling so crummy so I could work on some things. Last night I watched the Buck Brannaman documentary with Stu and I loved it. What that man can do with a horse is magic. I'm a skeptic when it comes to the Parelli "way" to natural horsemanship, and I think it can be effective if it's in the right hands, but it feels to me like Parelli was just out to make a buck by commercializing all his products the way he has. Not to mention the videos that have gone viral at clinics of him doing things that can't really be explained by his "Parelli system". Buck is the real deal, I'd kill to go to one of his clinics. I know that Dusty isn't the one with the problems, I'm the one that made him how he is. I've learned so many valuable lessons over the years as his owner, but I think the biggest thing is that I should never underestimate him. All his bad habits and "problems" exist because of MY habits. I'm the one that needs to fix those habits before I can fix his. I can't wait for next year when I can hopefully really concentrate on getting on track with my riding. It'll be good to set goals for myself and have that time at the barn away from kids. Yay me time!
If I can make it to the barn on Saturday, I'll have to bring Gage. That may or may not be a complete nightmare. Wish me luck!
Here's a link to the trailer for the Buck documentary. Whether your a horse person or not, it's a great movie!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IShjmWYuHZ0
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