I have been seriously neglecting this blog!
I've been in such a panic lately about how much I still have to do before this baby arrives, and so I've been cleaning and organizing for the last few weeks! Stu got a new job, that has VERY long hours, so it's a long day for everyone in my family! We definitely look forward to the weekends.
I decided to come and write a post here because some recent events of this past weekend have been keeping me up at night. I think I need to just write about it.
My best friend, one that I've grown up with, has sometimes been a really shitty friend. We've had a lot of ups and downs recently, mostly starting after I had Gage, I think mostly because we have been going in such different directions in life. The only thing between us that has remained the same is our passionate love for animals. We went through a lot in the past year together, and just recently sat down and went through our friendship and how important we are to each other.
Just in the last 2 weeks, this friend found out that one of her dogs has Lymphoma and that without treatment he has only weeks to live. It was all of a sudden, on a dog that isn't even old. It's so unfair. She is devastated, and I was more then happy to be there and support her through this difficult time. I definitely know if roles were reversed, I would need her shoulder too. Friday morning, just after breakfast, I received a phone call from her in tears. I automatically assumed that something had happened overnight to her dog, until she uttered the words "Mattie broke his leg and needs to be put down. I can't be there, I need you to go to the barn." Mattie is her beloved Quarter Horse gelding she's owned for 11 years. She's had him longer then I've owned Dusty, and I've known him longer then I've known my Dusty. My heart just completely dropped out of my body. I told her I would call her back in 5 minutes, then immediately called a close friend of mine, whom I was supposed to be having a playdate with Friday with our sons at her house. I told her I needed her help, and asked if she could watch Gage for me and possibly let me borrow her car. I knew if she couldn't help me, I'd be stuck calling my mom's work telling them there was an emergency, in which they would take their time telling my mom about, only for her to be told and then completely panic and think something was horribly wrong with Gage or the baby or me. Luckily, this friend is a really awesome and selfless friend and said "of course you can take my car, I'll be there to get you ASAP".
I then did a mad dash around my house while talking to my devastated and heartbroken friend. She was at work, over an hour away from the barn, and knew the vet would make it to her horse before she would. There is nothing you can say to make anyone feel better in that position. I myself was barely holding on by a thread and trying to keep calm for my friend and so that Gage didn't see me upset. I barely managed to get myself dressed, and Gage, pack a small bag for him to take to a friends and vaguely packed a bag for myself of water and food. Gage and I got picked up, drove to my friends house so she could watch the kids there, and then I left to make the 30 minute drive to the barn. It was pouring rain, horrible visibility on the highway and busy.
I've never prayed before, as I'm not a religious person, but I prayed my ass off the whole way to the barn. I had no idea what I was walking into and while I have a very strong stomach and a practical mind, I'd never dealt with this kind of situation in a horse before. I've suffered a lot of loss in my life, and have seen some sad things with animals. But never in an animal as large and fragile and one that I'd known for a majority of my life. One that I hold so dear and one who carries so many memories from my childhood and teenage years.
I arrived at the barn, still pouring rain, and barely remembered to turn off the car before making it into the barn. I saw nothing in the fields. I walked into the barn and was met by the 3 people that were there when it happened. The vet had already come and gone and taken Mattie's pain away. I hugged the barn manager close, and she was crying and held onto me for a few seconds. I think that shook me the most, because she is one of the strongest people I know. Her young cousin, same age as me, looked worse for wear and I hugged her tightly too. I then asked what happened. I was told that in all the excitement of coming in for breakfast, someone kicked out excitedly and kicked Mattie's front right leg, breaking it instantly. There was nothing anyone could do for him except comfort him and wait for the vet to arrive. The barn manager left him in the field for my friend to say goodbye and covered his legs with a blanket.
My friend arrived 20 minutes after me with her boyfriend. I hugged her closely and told her how sorry I was. We walked together to his body so she could say goodbye. He was laying down in a field on top of a hill in the pouring rain. Walking up that hill watching my best friend sob is something I'll never forget as long as I live. Mattie, the beautiful gray horse would never move again, and I found that so eerie. After we walked back to the barn I asked her if she wanted me to get a piece of his tail for her to keep, and she asked me to do it after she left and keep it until she was ready. She left before he was picked up by a removal company so she wouldn't have to see that. I treked out in the pouring rain to gather a clipping of his tail. I took a moment to say my goodbye and pet his beautiful face. I immediately walked to my own horse, 2 fields over, and put my hands under his blanket to feel his warmth while I hugged him. He absolutely knew something had happened to his friend and herd-mate and was quieter then normal. I brought him into the barn with me and fed him horse cookies while I pet his face and cried. I made myself stay until the dead stock removal company came. I stood and watched them take his body while Dusty rested his chin on my shoulder.
I tried to get all my tears out before going to pick up Gage, because I didn't want him to see me so upset. I sat and had pizza at my parents house for dinner and told them what happened. My mom is a huge animal lover like me, and she sobbed when I told her about poor, sweet Mattie. Driving to pick up Stu from the bus terminal, Gage luckily fell asleep. I cried the whole way there.
I have barely slept since then. Everytime I close my eyes I see Mattie laying on that hill again. I can't stop thinking about my friend and all that she is feeling right now. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but there isn't anything. This was such a freak accident that could have happened to anyone. It just breaks my heart that it had to happen to such a sweet old man. As a horse owner, I've never thought that Dusty could go in such tragic circumstances. I've always thought that Stu and I would buy a house with a bit of land, Dusty would retire with me and eventually he'd just start to have "old age problems" and his death would be somewhat planned and I'd be at his side throughout his final moments. I've even thought of all the things I'd whisper in his ear at that moment. I've never imagined not being there for him. Now when I go see him at the barn, I cherish every single moment I get with him. I give him more treats then he probably needs, I brush him just a few minutes longer then I used to. I give him an extra hug and tell him how much I love him when I put him out in his field before leaving. I watch him walk over to his friends before turning around and walking away.
We went to a friend's birthday celebration on Saturday evening, which I attended reluctantly. I was not in any mood to smile or celebrate. I put on a happy face and went. Stuart is in a band, and this celebration was for the bassist of that band. They put on one of their old cd's while getting dinner ready, and an acoustic version of a song they play came on and I realized that it was hands down "Mattie's song". I fought back tears while I listened to it, and Stuart sat beside me rubbing my back silently. I'm going to post it on here now.
To Mattie:
Thanks for all the beautiful memories. When I think back to me pre-teen years, you were such a big part of my life. The best rides I've ever had have been out on the trails with you and Dusty. You were such a sweet, gentle and kind hearted boy. You were such a good friend for so many lovely years. You always made us laugh with your unforgettable quirks, and so many people will remember you as the gentle and quiet gelding with a wild streak. See you on that rainbow bridge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1JcDqvFtQs&list=UU0wGoybAgVhJ_DDODyvFxxw&index=1&feature=plcp
No comments:
Post a Comment