Birth Story

My midwife appointment last week was so interesting!

Not only is this baby head down already (which could change, and isn't usually a big deal at 34 weeks) but he's also dropped and engaged into my pelvis. Gage was also dropped at this point, and stayed head down until birth. This baby loves to "tent", by pushing his bum out on one side and his feet out on the other side. He gets mad at me if I "tickle" his feet and goes on a rolling angry rampage. lol. I think I'm in a bit of trouble with this one!

I know when this little one is born, I'll probably write out and blog about my birth experience. I thought it might be a good idea to write about my birth experience with Gage too.

I'm going to do a homebirth (hopefully a waterbirth) with this baby and we are using our local midwives this time around, compared to the OB/GYN we used last time.

Gage was a bit of a surprise. I spent about 30 minutes trying to convince Stu that the pregnancy test did not have 2 lines, but only 1 1/2. We find this funny now, but at the time I was serious. Once I finally accepted that I was indeed pregnant and that "false positives" are not very common, I sat on my bed in a daze. I called my best friend (who freaked out more then I did) and then finally my mom. I made her tell my dad (while on the phone with me) because I was terrified that he'd be disappointed in me. I think they came around and became excited for a baby way faster then I did.

It didn't take long after the pregnancy test to start feeling the ill-effects of the pregnancy. I was violently sick for every single day of the 9 months. I had to go on sick leave because my work was completely not understanding of my being sick constantly. I was given a desk outside the washroom at work, which helped, but I was constantly in trouble for how often I had to leave my work to go get sick. By the end of the pregnancy I was still throwing up constantly, and it got so bad that while throwing up, I would also pee myself because of all the weight of the baby sitting on my bladder. I swore off children at that point. lol.

Having never known differently, I went to my family doctor for the beginning of my pregnancy and then was referred to one of the local OB/GYN's. Both Stu and I found him nice enough, and Stuart having previous children had gone down the OB road before. Our appointments were mostly spent waiting for our appointment, then we would get 10 minutes with the Dr. He'd ask us the same questions he had weeks prior, asked how I was feeling, felt the baby's position and then left with a smile. He never remembered our names.

At the time, it was what we knew, so we were cool with the entire process. I was okay with the fact that it would likely not be my OB that delivered Gage.

I went onto maternity leave approx 2 weeks before my due date. I suffered from back pain (although compared to this pregnancy, it was pretty mild!) and spent my first few days on mat leave wrapping presents and planning Christmas. I think I cleaned our cupboards too, in my nesting fury. My OB just happened to go on family vacation a week before I was due, and left me in the hands of the other OB sharing his office. He was also very nice. My last appointment was with him, and when I told him about the constant back pain, he checked to see if I was dilated. I was surprised to find that I was already sitting at 3cms, and the OB swept my membranes, telling me I should go into full labor in 24 hours. I went home, waiting, and the next day my mom called me on her way home from work and I said "I have more back pain" and I had lost a small amount of my mucous plug. She decided to come get me and take me to dinner at her house (so I wouldn't have to cook) and later told me she thought I would be miserable when she picked me up.... instead she found me sitting cross legged on the floor wrapping presents, totally fine.

That night I went to my parents house, had dinner and kept feeling the constant back pain. Everything else seemed normal. Then I went pee and lost my plug completely, which totally panicked my parents. We decided to pick Stu up from work at 9pm and go to the hospital just to be checked out. If they sent us home then no big deal.

I walked into the L&D ward and went "I think I'm in labor" and every nurse rolled their eyes at me. I was completely fine, not in any obvious pain and smiling at everyone. The nurse that checked me was flabberghasted when she checked me and I was already 5 cms. She told us we would be admitted to a room and then we needed to walk around to try and get some contractions. We did, with my mom and my dad, for about an hour and a bit. I got a few contractions, but nothing regular. Just a lot more back pain. My dad drove me nuts while I was walking, he was far too positive and excited to be allowed near a laboring mom-to-be and I decided if I had to walk around, I would do it in the area he wasn't allowed. lol. Stu and I decided we would get my mom for when I was ready to push, but it would just be he and I laboring until then. I remember sitting on the bed in my room and while suffering from back labor, I made Stu rub my back for what he claims "hours". I was pretty pleasant still at this point, and only got snippy when Stu told me his hands needed a break and were "tired" in which I replied "your tired!?!?"

Stu kept getting mad at me, because I would be in a bit of pain and then as soon as a nurse showed up I'd smile and go "I'm okay!"... for whatever reason. It must have been a pride thing? Either way, that went right out the window when the attending OB came and checked me, found I was 7cms and then broke my water. I kept asking for an epidural, and both the OB and the nurse kept saying "are you sure? You're handling things beautifully!"

Once my water broke my contractions came right on top of one another, and were pretty intense. Stu kept calm and held my hand and fed me ice chips. The OB came back 20 minutes later and went "that sounds much better!" and I replied with "epidural!".

By the time my epidural arrived, I was already feeling the need to push (but I hid that, because I needed that epidural!) and my contractions were coming so fast they gave me the epidural on my side. I assumed it would just be instant relief, but it so wasn't. Right after the epidural, I sent Stu to get my mom, thinking that she wouldn't want to see me in pain so she would be okay after I had the epi. It took another 30 minutes after the epi before I felt my contractions fade, so my poor mom got to see me gripping the bed rail breathing deeply and in pain. I don't remember too much about that part, but everyone says that I was quiet and completely in control.

Once I started pushing, I felt nothing. Completely numb. They tell you to take a deep breath and push as hard as you can. My mom cried from the moment they said "you're ready to push" until probably days later. lol. I was so not wanting anyone to watch anything, but when the nurse announced "he has tons of hair" I was so enthusiastic that I pushed even harder. The OB started to giggle at some point, and I remember stopping and saying "what could possibly be so funny?!" and she responded with "he's wiggling like a fish, delivering himself. All I have to do is catch!"

Gage came out, mounds of dark hair on his little head (really, it wasn't that little) and I was so surprised that I had pushed out a baby I just smiled at him. The nurse took him away, weighed him, and announced him to be 9 pounds, 1oz. We all went "What?!"

I then noticed around this time that the doctor was sewing. I asked if I tore, and she replied with "yes" and I then asked how many stitches and she answered with "I lost count".

I didn't care, because I had Gage and he was adorable (with hair!) and chubby and I just wanted to never let him go. He latched on and nursed right away. I moved to the Maternity ward before the epi completely wore off. Everything was good.

Once in the maternity ward, the epi wore off. I was then overwhelmed with how much it hurt. The nurse on duty was not sympathetic. She gave me tylenol, literally said to me to "suck it up" and left me all alone with my new baby. The next shift of nurses came on later that night and the nurse asked me why I hadn't taken the pain medication (oxycontin, to a nursing mother!) the OB had prescribed. I cried in relief.

I had a horrible recovery. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and looking back I totally could have delivered without an epidural. Then maybe I would not have pushed a 9 pound baby out so quickly and let my body do things on it's own and not needed stitches. Either way, I swore I was NEVER having another kid.

It wasn't until Gage was about 18 months old that I discovered the art of midwifery. I watched The Business of Being Born and was blown away by these women who choose to go drug free and have these healthy, happy babies in the comfort of their own homes. I started reading on the internet, lurking on Bulletin Boards for baby sites and informing myself. So many mom's I found and talked to had had similar birthing experiences with their first born babies, only to do the homebirth (or birth center) birth process with a midwife the second time around to a completely different experience and outcome. Luckily, Stuart completely agreed with the midwife process. As did everyone else in my family. My aunt is a midwife and doula, and while she lives hours away from me, my family was at least used to the idea and took no convincing. It didn't take us long to become pregnant, and at 34 weeks, I can say so far this experience has been like night and day compared to the OB! My midwives are amazing (I have 3, 2 of which will attend the birth) and I cannot possibly say enough good things about them. I never had to wait for my appointment, and each appointment is about 40-45 minutes long. They aren't hippies, they don't sugar coat anything, and they believe in "informed choice" so everything they have told me has been the honest and blunt.

I'm aware that yes, it is going to hurt. A lot. My biggest pet peeve is when people ask me why I'm trying to be a "hero" or they ask if a homebirth without a doctor is "safe". I've responded with of course it is safe, or I wouldn't be doing it! And 2nd, I'm not at all trying to be a hero. Women have been doing this without medication for centuries. It's the healthiest and safest option for myself and my unborn child to not medicate during labor and delivery. My body was built to birth a baby and I trust that it is fully capable of doing just that.

I'm so excited for my experience with this labor and delivery! While I do have small moments of fear and "it's going to hurt!", for the most part, about 90% of the time, I'm calm and fearless. I just know  I can do this.

While I know midwifery isn't for everyone, I do wish that all pregnant women (or those planning on becoming pregnant) did some digging and even watched the same documentary that I did. Every mother wants what is best for their baby, and while those opinions on what is best may vary (by a lot or a little), we can all agree on the fact that we just want to have a healthy and happy baby in the end. Sometimes the medical interventions that OB/GYN's claim are necessary, are what end up causing the problems we have with high c-section, induction and infant mortality rates.

I can't wait to blog about my experience with my birth experiene with this baby!

Future goals

It took me a while to figure out how to word this post properly. It's all there in my head, and has been for months, but I can't figure out how to get it out.

This pregnancy has had a lot of ups and downs. I feel like some days I'm still grieving for my friend's horse, Mattie. I feel like what happened to him has been a huge life-changing event that I will never ever forget, as long as I live. It shook me to the core, and made me re-evaluate everything I had originally set out as goals for myself. I think of Mattie every time it rains, every time I go to the barn and look in his field, and every time I see a grey horse. I was already feeling incredibly guilty about the fact that my gelding has taken such a backseat to me raising my family. I don't get out to see him nearly as much as I'd like. I know he doesn't mind, and would much rather be in his humungous field with his buddies, but I still worry that when I look back on my life with him when he's an old boy, I'll regret this time that I didn't spend more time with him.

With everything that happened with Mattie, and all this guilt of not spending more time with my "first born", I've been toying with some things in my head.

I think it's safe to assume that 2 little boys are going to drive me crazy on a regular basis. I think the best way for me to get my "me" time is to go to the barn. Then I started thinking about my 9 years so far with Dusty and what we've accomplished. He's an awesome horse. He's taught countless children how to ride, is far more patient then I could ever be, extremely forgiving in every single instance and literally never puts a toe out of place. Numerous people have told me he's "worth his weight in gold". While those that know him are quick to praise his qualities that make him great with kids, they are also quick to categorize him as this "old schoolie". He's built extremely long, and his conformation works against him in pretty much every discipline. He loves to jump, the higher the better, but suffered a back injury 2 years ago and his "big" jumping days are pretty much over. While he's sound and happy now, it took a lot of work (and money) to make him that way. I bought him originally because I wanted to event him. He's evented before, and LOVED it (and won!) but when I first got him I boarded him at a facility where majority of the boarders did the QH circuits and schooling shows with emphasis on the "QH way". At the time, I was okay with not eventing, and just happy to go with the flow. Now, looking back, I'm sad that I didn't event him. I can easily say that I never took Dusty (or myself!) to his full potential.

He'll be 17 next summer, and while there are some horses that just recently competed in the London 2012 Olympics that were 17 years old and older, I still feel like that's old for my Dusty. I know we have so much work ahead of us, but I think it needs to be done. I don't want to show, and I don't have a set list of goals for us to accomplish. I just want to go further then we did before. I want us to both be in the best physical shape we've ever been in, and to be able to full use our bodies properly, shitty conformation or not. I'm really determined to go out 3-4 times a week, get lessons once a week, and work our flabby bums off! I'll be dragging the new baby with me most of the time, but after telling my barn manager (and close friend) my idea, she said "no one is going to blink an eye to you breastfeeding in the corner of the barn or to a stroller sitting in the corner of the arena with a crying baby in it".

I don't usually care what other's think of me (or of Dusty), but I just know that Dusty and I are capable of more then what other's have assumed we aren't. I'm doing this to "stick it to 'em". I already know that when I go to the coach that works out of my barn, I'm going to be laughed at a little. If not, she'll try to sway me into learning on another horse, that has more "potential" then Dusty. I'm prepared for that.

Really, the number 1 reason why I'm going to do this, is that when it comes to Dusty's "end", I don't want to look back and feel like I didn't do enough with him. I want to be able to say to him "look what we did!"

Now that I've written all this out here, I'll feel even more guilty if I read this next year and didn't do it. It's going to take a lot of juggling and time, but we can do it.

I'm super lucky that my husband is totally supportive of this. I don't know what I'd do without him behind me in everything I do!

I'm going to post on here before pictures (of both of us) and then progress pictures too. I think the journey will be hard but well worth it in the end.

Pee and Poop

The title of this blog can only be gross to those without children. Lol. There are so many silly words kids use to refer to "pee" and "poop" and they always make me laugh.

As I previously posted, we were using our long weekend to dedicate our time to potty training Gage. Things were such a success! He surprised both Stuart and I by leaps and bounds! He had a few little accidents, that he usually made one his way to the potty anyways, but by the end of the day he would tell us that he had to use the potty. Tuesday morning Stu went back to work, and Gage woke up and came into my room to have a morning snuggle and watch some cartoons and his diaper he wore overnight was completely dry! He then asked me (while still wearing his diaper) if he could pee-pee on the potty. Then he had his morning pee on the potty! Now it is Thursday and he`s been dry every morning getting up this week, and has had his morning pee on the potty each morning before breakfast. He even tells me when he has to pee, and needs no reminding. He poops on the potty too (yay!) but he gets a little scared and ends up sitting on the potty 10 times before actually pooping. He's getting better with it in a matter of days! I'm so proud of him!

We went to my parents house Tuesday for dinner, and my dad watched Gage while my mom and I went shopping and he peed on my parents toilet and even pooped. He's growing so fast! I can't believe it's been 2 1/2 years already since he was this not-so-tiny newborn. Not to mention that I'm going to have another one in less then 2 months!

I'm so relieved that we were able to do this before the new baby arrives. I knew it would be hard and one more thing I need to do during the day while prego, but I figured that if we waited until the baby was born, it would get harder to potty train Gage while also trying to take care of a newborn. I was determined to have Gage potty trained before he was 3 years old. Stuart has a daughter from a previous relationship (I believe I've mentioned her before) that we have at our house on weekends. She first started coming to us over night when she was 3 1/2 years old, and she was still wearing diapers. She wasn't fully potty trained without any accidents until she was almost 6, and even now at 7 she has the occasional accident. I know a lot of that had to do with lack of consistency and she was adjusting to living in 2 homes, but there was a while there that she had UTI's and bladder infections back to back, over and over. I just didn't want things to go so late for Gage and his potty training journey!

This weekend, the barn where I board Dusty is having their monthly schooling show. Riders of all ages trailer their horses in to compete in some low level classes, mostly just for practice and for fun. I've been going to each show all summer to help out with the "admin" duties and having a BLAST. I don't get to see Dusty as much as I would like (which I feel so guilty about, even though I'm sure he doesn't mind!) and it gives me an excuse to go to the barn and visit with all my friends and spoil my Dusty with loads of treats. This weekend Stuart is coming with me (my parents are babysitting Gage) to be my errand boy. I almost wasn't going to go, because it's a LONG day and the last few shows have been so hot. But Stu coming along means he can grab me drinks and make me take breaks. I'm determined to make a country boy out of a city boy! I'm *almost* there! I'm excited to spend the day with 2 of my favourite men! (Can you guess which one is my #1?!?)

Lets keep our fingers crossed he doesn't find the whole thing too boring!

Up and Down

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and just now having all the emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. I swear I could cry at the drop of a hat, at anything, and then literally 10 minutes later I'm laughing. It's like I'm bi-polar! My poor husband that has to try and keep up with it all!

I think a lot of what started it all, has been the events of the last 2 weeks. This week in particular is a hard one, because Stuart ended up going away for the week to another city to work. He did this a lot last summer, and while it's hard and Gage and I miss him, we managed. This time around because of this pregnancy being so hard on my body, I'm finding it especially hard. Everyday tasks seem HUGE to me, and I have to push myself just to do bare minimums around the house and make sure Gage is fed, clean and happy. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted, but can't sleep because of all the silly pregnancy aches and pains.

This coming weekend we are hoping to use the long weekend to our advantage and start on the journey of potty training Gage! I'm excited, but I know it's not going to be easy. He's shown several signs that he's ready, but he still seems a little reluctant. We are hoping to just use a lot of positive reinforcement to get him going. We'll have him in undies for 3 full days, and just constantly ask him to sit on the potty. When he sits on the potty, goes pee or poop on the potty, he gets a sticker on his chart. I know diapers are actually probably easier for me during the day, because it just takes changing him, whereas if he's potty trained, we have to do the dash to the potty to go. But I think it will be way easier when this baby arrives to only have one baby in diapers. We are also using Cloth Diapers for this new baby, so by potty training Gage before the baby's arrival, it means we won't be buying ANY. I can't wait!

I feel like I'm so thinly spread and everyone wants a piece and I can't please everyone all the time. I've been concentrating on just being a good mama to Gage and keeping his life as normal as possible, and making sure he doens't see all my crazy emotions (he's such a senstitive guy, he gets upset when I'm upset) but it's all just starting to take it's toll. I have an amazing husband, who stands in as not only my husband, but as my best friend. But I just need a girl friend, who will sit and have a tea and let me vent about shit. This week is going to be especially hard without that.

I can't wait until Friday when Stuart comes home!

World's Hardest Job

I'm a stay at home mom. I went on my year of maternity with Gage, and instead of going back to work at a job that I absolutely hated, I stayed home. We had to make sacrifices in order to do it, but we manage. While I by no means have anything against working mom's, I just felt like it was a better choice for my son. I know all mom's (or most that I've talked to) have said how hard it is to tear themselves away after 1 year with their baby to go back to work, and how hard it is to drop them off at daycare and walk away. While that is part of the reason why I didn't go back to work, I also couldn't bear the thought of someone else taking part in raising my child, and getting to bear witness to the little things that I would miss while working.

I did briefly look into going back to work. I figured we wouldn't financially survive unless I did, so I began the process of looking for daycares. I found a few "at home" daycares that interested me, but I found another obstacle because of our vegetarian diet. Each daycare insisted that I pay the regular daily fee/weekly fee and then also provided my own food for each day that Gage went to them. At the time, he was also lactose intolerant so unable to consume dairy. I found that so frustrating on top of everything else. We had to move in with my parents in order for me to stay home full time, and Stuart became the sole provider for our family and had(s) a lot sitting on his shoulders.

We have enough to go around for each of us, and while we don't have a flatscreen tv, fancy clothes or regular haircuts (for me anyways!) we have food in our fridge and our bills are all current. I'm sure if I went back to work, we would accomplish a lot more financially and be able to achieve our dream of buying a house with property sooner. But when I think of the little things I would miss each day just because I want a house a year earlier or nice clothes, I couldn't do it. Every morning Gage comes stumbling sleepily into my room and climbs into bed with me with a "morning mommy". We eat breakfast together and play games and read books together and sing songs. While I have things I do each day around the house, like cleaning (and there's always A LOT of cleaning, we have a big house!), laundry, cooking etc, I always make time to sit with Gage and do letters of the alphabet and drawing pictures and telling stories. I don't want anyone else doing that stuff with him! He has playdates with other little boys his age, and is not at all behind socially. My husband comes home each day to a clean house with clean laundry and food waiting for him and a big hug from a clean 2 year old.

Since being pregnant, sometimes my daily chores are a challenge, and I know it will continue to be so after this baby is born. 2 kids will be harder to keep up with! I dread what my house will look like during the first few weeks following birth. I can't wait to get a routine down!

I have a friend that has her child in daycare. While she financially doesn't HAVE to work to get by because of what her husband does for a living, she chooses to just to have lots of money. Her kid has a ridiculous amount of toys and clothes and defends how spoiled her child is to the 10th degree. Her kid is a good kid, a little rambunctious and gets away with a lot, but I think a lot of it is the "only child syndrome" that I certainly know I went through myself until my sister came along when I was 6 years old. I just feel like even though we don't give Gage lavish gifts for his birthday and Christmas, and he has a moderate amount of toys and clothes, he gets so much more by me being home. I find that with my friends that work and have children, it is as though they feel guilty for putting their children in daycare so instead they spoil them with material items. That is not at all how I want to raise my child. I think the most shocking thing for me was learning that parents (some, not all) or I should say "the tooth fairy" leaves $10 and even $20 bills for teeth nowadays! Those kids will grow up expecting an allowance of $100 a week! I want my children to grow up learning the value of a dollar, so "the tooth fairy" will be leaving toonies for teeth at my house!

My mom was a stay at home mom for 17 years. I think my sister and I benefited a lot by having her home with us, especially in the beginning. She went back to work after 17 years though, and is currently working at a job she hates and struggles to find something better because of such a large gap in her work history. I refuse to let myself stay home for that long, my plan is to go back to work by the time this youngest baby (who will definitely be our last baby!) starts school. I plan on doing online courses starting 2013 for a career that I passionately love. Being a stay at home mom has taught me that life isn't worth living if you are going to a job everyday that you hate. Not only that, but it taught me that if you want something, you can make it happen. Only you are in charge of your destiny and your goals and where you want to be in a few years. My biggest pet peeve is when people complain about the job they have. Hate it? Get a new one! Don't have the training/qualifications to do what you love? Find a way! It IS possible!

"I see it feelingly"

I just watched a 10 minute video online of a man making a speech for animal rights at a debate in Australia. It completely blew my mind, and is hands down the most captivating speech I've ever heard. He left absolutely no room for argument, and addressed every possible end. People like this man, Philip Wollen, make my heart just soar! I wish there were more people that could passionately portray this kind of speech to those that are so against it.

I'm going to post the link to the transcript, and the video. It speaks for itself.

http://freefromharm.org/videos/educational-inspiring-talks/philip-wollen-australian-philanthropist-former-vp-of-citibank-makes-blazing-animal-rights-speech/

Enjoy!

I Carry Your Heart

I feel like this post needs to be dedicated to my husband, and this is an advance warning that it might get a little sappy because my pregnancy hormones are insanely sappy lately.

My husband, Stuart, is without a doubt the most hardworking and selfless person I've ever known. I come from a family where hard work is the norm. My dad and both grandfather's were hardworking men, and incredible influences for my sister and I. They are proof that hardwork does pay off. My dad especially, will stop at nothing to provide for his family. Growing up, he worked all hours just to make sure we had food on the table. Stuart has done so much for our little family, single handed. Seeing as he is the sole bread-winner, he doesn't have much choice but to work hard, but what I love so much about him (or one of the many things I should say!) is that he never once complains. He gets up at 3am to catch a ride to work with my Dad, who commutes everyday. My dad is done work by approx 1pm everyday, but yet Stuart doesn't finish work until after 5pm everyday. That means he is gone working from 3am until past 5pm. He takes the train or bus home, and sometimes doesn't get in until well after 7pm. He still comes home smiling, and Gage runs into his arms everyday, super excited to see him. Then he eats a quick dinner, and instead of laying on the couch drinking a beer, he spends time with Gage and gives him a bath. He does the nighttime routine with Gage, because it's the only time he gets to see him all day and it gives me a break.

He is also super modest about his "super dad" ability. All kids just love Stu, and he never hestitates to have a conversation in "baby talk" with a friends baby, or pick up a friends crying baby and give them a cuddle. Gage was my first child, but he is Stuart's 3rd. I was intimidated by the crying at night, and the sleep deprivation, and the little things that new parents often worry about. Stuart was always there to say "it's okay, he's just tired, here, do this...." and all would be good in the world. My midwife asked me last month if we were planning on doing the "baby classes" this time around at the hospital and my response was "Stuart could teach that class". I'm not worried or intimidated about having 2 young boys, because I have Stuart and he is super dad.

Stuart hates when people buy him gifts, whenever my mom or I ask him "what do you want for your birthday/Christmas?" he goes "nothing, don't buy me anything!" and it drives us insane. He'd rather buy Gage something, or me. And he has one pair of pants, which are the holiest jeans I've ever seen. They are pretty much unwearable.

As far as men go, I picked the perfect one. When I compare him to any other guy I dated, those other guys aren't even half the man my Stuart is. I've never thought so highly of anyone before, and I'm lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of my life with him!

Our wedding was small and a surprise wedding, (for everyone in attendence, not us) and the poem that was read in the vows always makes me think of him when I read it.

[I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart]

By E. E. Cummings 1894–1962

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in

my heart) I am never without it (anywhere

I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

                                                      I fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)