Rescue Me

I thought I'd write a post about my animals, just because!

We have a dog and 2 cats (and a guinea pig too).

Our dog is Max. I got him before I met Stu, while I was living in another city. The guy I was dating at the time (who is a really good friend now) and I decided we wanted a dog. We started looking for labs on kijiji and I emailed a few people. I didn't want a puppy, I figured that would be too much work. I came across an ad for a "Lab X" and the picture on the ad captured my heart. It was a black dog, laying down with his head on muddy paws, looking away from the camera. Something about it stuck. I emailed the lady, who told me that he was a rescue and she was his foster mom. She lived in a small town with a small animal shelter that only had room for 3 dogs at a time. If another dog came in, they either refused it or euthanized the dog that had been there longest. Max had been a farm dog for a family that lived down the street from his foster mom. He was known as a "runaway" and she'd seen him a few times before and always took him home. She found out that he lived outside in a dog house and instead of getting food, he had to catch his own food. He'd never been inside before and he had obviously been abused at some point because he was super nervous and hated loud voices. He loves kids (which I didn't know until I had my own, he'd never been around them before!) and we've had people pull over to the side of the road while we are walking and ask us where we got such a handsome dog. Everyone likes to guess what breed combo he is, because he is so unique looking. Shepard/Lab was what we were told, but he looks like black shepard without the hip slant? Some people have guessed pitbull cross, Husky cross, Chow cross (the weirdest guess so far!) and Australian Kelpie. We have no idea!

I had grown up with a lab, which we bought from a breeder as a puppy. She was a typical lab that when she did something bad (like get into the garbage and rip everything to shreds) she would just wiggle around. Never once did she show remorse. Max was and is completely different from the moment he was mine. I asked to meet Max, and his foster mom drove him to me. He jumped out of the car and it was love at first site. I paid $60 and he came with a horrible case of worms and had just been treated for ticks. I would take him to the park near my house and he would always stay close to me when off leash. He caught a squirrel once, I literally blinked and it was in his mouth. I just said "MAX!" and he dropped it and came back to me. He's such a sensitive guy! He shakes like a leaf when you are getting ready to leave the house, his teeth even chatter. He's terrified of thunderstorms and snow plows. Our cats beat him up and steal his dog bed on a regular basis too. He has an incredible sense when it comes to people, and he seems to know when someone is good and when someone isn't. If I answer the door and his hair raises up and he growls, I know instantly that he doesn't like the person and it's for good reason. When I was a few months prego with Gage, I took him to go pee out back of the apartment building we lived in at the time while Stu went to the plaza next door to get cat food. I sat on a curb text messaging and waited for Max to come back to me. He did, but he kept crying and running a few steps away. I finally looked up and saw an old man had fallen a few feet away. I got up and went to him, saw Stu coming back and motioned for his help and we helped the man up. We would have seen him at some point, but Max alerted us that much sooner!

Max is typically terrified of getting his picture taken, so we usually have to catch him by surprise. He is not a normal dog. We say all the time he's part human. He comes to the barn with me all the time and is the perfect barn dog. He knows to stay out of the paddocks and waits at the gate while I bring Dusty in. He and Dusty are "brothers" and know each other by sight (Dusty nuzzles him when he sees him, and Max sits at Dusty's feet). He follows me around the arena when I ride and if there are other's riding, I make him sit in the corner. He listens so well, and once given a command (like "stay") he won't move... even if a horse is coming right at him! We don't know for sure how old he is, we think he's about 9 years old now. We had to put down out lab a few years ago that I grew up with and it was heartbreaking. I am dreading having to do the same someday with my Max. He's such a special dog!

Our cats are ninja's. That's what we call them. We originally adopted Louie from the SPCA when he was a baby. He was the runt, almost sickly looking, and black. We found out that black cats are the hardest to find homes for, because people are afraid of the "black cat superstition". I find this so ridiculous! While we adopted Louie, we saw so many adult cats that were waiting for homes and it was so sad. We had another cat at the time, Penelope, so we knew we could only get Louie. He was such a goofy kitten that loved sleeping on pillows. The summer after we adopted him, we had to put Penelope down. I'd had her for so long and was really sad. I decided a few months after her death that we would honor our "Penu" by adopting an adult cat from the SPCA. We walked in, with Gage in tow, and asked "which adult cat has been here the longest?" and they pointed to "Batman". We've renamed him Henry, but he definitely suited Batman too. He was a stray, and when we saw him he'd just been neutered (but they had to open his belly up to find the "goods") and he'd just had a cone taken off so he had a bald spot around his neck and he also happens to be missing a tail. Stu held him and after petting him for a few minutes we got a tiny little purr from him. We brought him home and introduced him to Louie. They loved each other from that first moment. 

We don't know Henry's past, or how he lost his tail, but he's decided he is an indoor kitty now and LOVES attention. He and Louie play nonstop (even at 2am, ugh!) and Henry has become Stu's cat. Wherever Stu is, you will find Henry too. Louie has grown to be a HUGE cat, with the biggest paws I've ever seen. Far cry from when he was a tiny little thing! Henry is known for stealing food from cupboards (still in packaging) and eating bricks of butter WHOLE. He's so silly and entertains us to no end. Louie is super clumsy and is known for falling off the couch when he's asleep. He's just a big goofy guy. 

After ending up with 3 awesome animals, I can't imagine not rescuing again. They all have such personality and seem so grateful for ending up with us. 

Time Machine

I've been wanting to write a post since first thing this morning but only just now found the time to sit down at the computer. I have a baby in a bouncy chair beside me, yelling at his Sophie while I rock him with my foot.

Stuart and I are going to raise our boys to stand up for what they believe in. I hope they both find things that they are deeply passionate about and don't let anyone convince them otherwise. I know it is inevitable that both boys will experience heartbreak. They will both have bad days where people tell them things they don't want to hear, they will have someone be mean to them because they don't agree with their opinion or belief. I hope that we can raise them to deal with these situations with grace, respect, and manners.

I was raised to stand up for what I believe in, and to believe in it fiercely. My parents taught my sister and I that material items are not as important as family and friends. We were both raised to be respectful of how others think and feel, whether we agree with it or not. We all raise our children with the example of how we were raised in our minds. There are lots of things my parents instilled in us that I would like to also teach my own children, and there are some things that I'm not going to.

There is a book I read a few years ago that I cried the whole way through but love so much. It's called The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. It's about a man who dies and meets 5 people that deeply influenced how his life turned out and made him who he is. There is a really special quote in the book that speaks so perfectly for how parents influence their children.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.” 

I read this book before I became pregnant with Gage, and this quote has always stuck with me.

Yesterday I had a really bad day. By dinner I was ready to throw in the towel and just go to bed. One of the many reasons why I love being a mom is that no matter how bad of a day I seem to have, or how ill behaved my kids are, they can just say one little thing and I feel better instantly.

Stu gave Gage a bath and after he got PJ's on he ran to the stairs and yelled down "night night mommy, I love you! Going to sleep now, I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

It just warms my heart! He says "I love you" so randomly and it is so sweet. Today he was quiet for about 15 minutes while I was feeding Finn, so I yelled out "Gage, where are you and what are you doing?" only for him to announce "I'm sitting at the dining room table looking at the gingerbread house and pieces fell off, so I ate them.... and then more pieces kept falling off, so I ate them too!"

I had to laugh.

I hope when Gage and Finn are adults, they can go back and look at their childhoods with happy thoughts and fun stories.

Now back to my reality of snuggling a cranky little baby who is really unhappy with being rocked in a bouncy chair instead of his mama's arms!

Once Again....

I feel like this subject is going to be beat to death over my years as a SAHM.

While I know society has changed a bit and is slightly more accepting of mom's looking to stay home and raise their children instead of working, but I'm finding so much resistence still. Stuart and I got a car recently and while applying for the car loan, I was asked what I do for a living. I responded "I'm a stay at home mom" and was the man at the car dealership went "that's it? anything else?"

I am so very lucky that I have the chance to stay home with my kids. I can't imagine doing anything else. It is challenging, rewarding and exhausting. It is a full time job with no holidays, pay, or even bathroom breaks where I get to be ALONE. I absolutely 100% believe that my children will be better off for having me home with them. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't be a stay at home mom!

Since having children, I've become a different person in so many ways. I used to be shy and never imagined standing up for myself. I would rather walk away from a fight then stand up for what I believe in. Now, I'm an opinionated and extremely blunt bitch. Since giving birth to Finn I've become even worse.

I've mentioned before that my pregnancy with Finn seemed to be an eye opening experience when it came to who my real friends are and who I'm better off without. Because I'm opionated and blunt, I've become used to others disagreeing with my opinion. That is totally fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and they are certainly entitled to disagree with something I say. I'm used to it. Sadly, I've even become used to getting attacked for things I've said. I've developed a thick skin for it. What I am not used to, is not posting anything opionated and blunt, only to be attacked personally for no reason. By someone who doesn't even really know me. Because I'm a stay at home mom.

What's worse is everyone's ability to brush it all off.

If you wrong someone, the ADULT thing to do is apologize. That's the way I was raised. Grown ups realize the harm they've caused, man up and say "I'm sorry". Nothing good comes from brushing it under the rug, it just becomes the elephant in the room.

Apparently I'm one of the few that was raised this way.

I did learn that I have a friend that is fiercely loyal and will not stand to have a friend insulted or humiliated. Loyalty is a good trait to have and one that I value in others.

Once again, although I've previously listed this, if someone posts something on a social networking site that you don't agree with, don't read it. Don't comment. It really is that simple! Social Networking sites are for SHARING. It is inevitable that someone will post something you don't like.

"If only closed minds came with closed mouths".

9 Years Later....

I went out to the barn yesterday for the first time since December 23rd and rode. Dusty met me at the gate, happy to see me (I was even a little suspicious, because this NEVER happens). I think he actually missed me! I used to go long periods without seeing him, because of pregnancy and not having a vehicle, and now I can barely make it a week before I miss him and feel incredibly guilty.

I've been writing a progress report about each ride since mid November. I vaguely think while updating it that I should write about some of the times with him over the last 9 years. It would be nice to read when I'm old and Dusty is long gone. I barely remember some of our early rides together. I started thinking about my relationship with him for the last 9 years, because a friend has been having a difficult time with her stubborn gelding and I told her "don't worry, it gets better" and even said "the victory of accomplishing something you've been working for is that much sweeter when you have a stubborn and difficult horse!". Not that Dusty is "difficult", he's just ridiculously stubborn. He and I used to have lots of battles over the silliest things. I remember him resisting and blocking his jaw when I was just walking in the indoor arena and trying to get him to bend to the inside at the walk. It resulted in a 3 hour ride, which was the ultimate test of who was more stubborn. We never actually got anywhere in these fights. Now, I will ask him for something and if he seems confused by my aids, or I'm not 100% sure we are doing it right, I just pat him and move on to something else.

For example, yesterday we did some turn on the haunches.... which we are awesome at every single time.... but I thought "lets try some turn on the forehand!". I'm not as sure of the aids for it and while he managed to go halfway while pivoting on his forehand, the rest of the way we just went sideways. I just chuckled and patted his neck and moved on to something else. We also went out into the back fields for a winter hack and did some cantering in the fresh snow. It was such a nice day for it! We had lots of fun and while Dusty wanted really badly to gallop and be a goof, he listened to me and never did anything I didn't ask for. We went back to the arena and went to do some canter work after, and he did so so SO well! He really responds to praise, and the more you tell him he's a good boy, the better he does and the harder he tries. He did a flying lead change without becoming disunited (which is rare, because most of the time he seems to forget he has a bum) and so I told him he was a good boy, and then closed my inside fist to ask him to become soft and round, and he RESPONDED by doing so! This is a small victory for most other riders, but for me, it was so much more! I then told him again "good boy!" only for him to become rounder and softer. He then did 3 more flying changes for me, all perfectly.

It's so nice to look back on my relationship with Dusty, and despite the fights and the ups and downs, we seem to have come such a long way. He's seems to understand that I am now making him a priority, and he in turn is trying so much for me. I also think I'm looking at how I ask for things differently, because at the end of the day, my relationship with my horse is so much more important to me then fighting with him over an inside bend at the walk.

I think a lot of my strengthened bond with him has to do with Mattie. I've blogged about him previously and think about him all the time. That whole experience was traumatizing and horrible, but so much good has come from it. Because of his tragic accident that ended his life, I now take such joy in the little things. I stop and pause while I'm at the barn and am so thankful I have a horse that is so good and has so much heart and he's MINE. I always take time to say goodbye to Dusty, and I stand at the gate and watch him walk away. He's even started the habit of going to get something to drink, then he comes back to me at the gate, nudges me goodbye, then walks towards his friends. It's a sweet routine that I love. No matter how much of a rush I'm in to get home to the kids (because usually I lose track of time and have to hurry to feed Finn), I ALWAYS stop and take that moment.

So thanks Mattie, I owe my renewed closeness with Dusty and our special relationship, to you. You taught me so much about myself and about my big chestnut gelding. I'll never ever forget all that I've learned from that horrible day we lost you.

I also wanted to share the exact moment that I decided my horse was going to be mine forever and never go to another home.

I bought Dusty when I was 15, and I was *just* starting to notice boys. I made it out to the barn twice a week even after I started dating my first boyfriend (a feat I'm pretty proud of!) and while I loved Dusty, I never thought far enough ahead to say "I'll never sell him". 8 months into my relationship with my first boyfriend, he broke up with me and started dating a close friend of mine. I was heartbroken. I went to the barn one summer day and as I walked across the grass paddock towards Dusty I started to cry. I got to Dusty, who was grazing away, and I hugged his neck. He stopped eating, didn't try to wiggle away from me once, and just let me stand there. He nuzzled my back while I cried into his neck and gave a sympathetic ear to a teenage girls heartbreak. I poured my heart out to him, while he stood and faithfully let me. From that moment on, he and I decided that he would be mine forever. I get teary eyed when I think of that day, not because of the stupid boy that wasn't worth the tears, but because I really had no idea how lucky I was back then to have such an amazing horse. Over the years, he's continued to give me a sympathetic ear, without fail, whenever I'm having a bad day.

Sick as a dog

I haven't been posting anything in a while, because our whole family got really sick with influenza right before Christmas and it's been brutal. We actually took Finn to the hospital Christmas Eve, not at all how we intended to spend Christmas Eve, because he was sleeping 14+ hours and was so lethargic. I just knew in my gut that he wasn't quite right. We were called in and saw a doctor ahead of anyone else and he was swabbed for influenza. Luckily he peaked at the hospital, so I had nurses there to tell me that he was okay, just a sick little guy. He was monitored for a few hours and then we went home just before Santa came. Gage got it really bad too, coughing so hard he would throw up. Poor guy. It's so hard as a parent watching your children sick. You feel so helpless.

My dad always says that as much as having a sick kid sucks, it's nice how they become so snuggly. That may be true for some kids, but not Gage! He becomes sooo ridiculously whiny! He just whines non-stop about how he wants a million things. "I want sandwiches", "I want juice", "I want kleenex", "wipe my nose" and then he would just grunt. Like a caveman. He USED to be so polite and say "May I please have..." but not anymore!

Stu also at an attempt to occupy a sick little boy, gave Gage his iphone to play games. Now we literally have to pry it out of his sweaty little hands. I wasn't around the first time this happened, or else I would have smacked my husband and taken the phone away from BOTH of them. Ugh!

Getting back into a routine once Stu goes back to work after holidays are done will be really hard.

I've been spending a lot of time researching homeschooling and coming up with a plan on how to do it with Gage. It's been a fun journey so far! I'm really looking forward to it. Sometimes I worry that I might screw something up, but I think as long as I set rules for myself, for example reminding myself constantly to be patient, I will be more then fine. Gage is so smart, we've been doing workbooks for a few months now, just numbers and letters and some math, and he catches on so fast. I'm excited to be a part of this journey with him!

Just like when I tell people we are veggie, I'm expecting some skepticism from people when we tell family and friends that we will be homeschooling. Should be interesting. I'll have to come up with some tongue and cheek responses!

Carry On

Stuart and I have recently decided that we would look into homeschooling Gage and Finn. It has been something I've thought about, however briefly, before. In the light of all those innocent lives lost this past Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School, I started doing some research. While I know I live in Canada, and school shootings/mass shootings of any kind are less likely to take place compared to the States, I still wonder. If I put Gage in school, I'm handing over my most prized possessions (one of my 2 anyway!) and I would want them to teach him and keep him safe exactly as I would. I just don't feel like the school system in place could do the same job I could. Every child learns differently and excels with different teaching styles. There are so many things they don't teach in school that I would like my child to know.

When Stu and I talked about it and made our pros and cons list for both homeschooling and going to public school, the homeschooling list was very appealing.

I plan on sharing more as we continue to do our research, and we still have a little bit of time to figure things out (Gage isn't due to start Junior Kindergarten until September 2013) but I'm excited to blog about this journey as well!

Constant Surprise

I've been blogging a lot about my journey with Dusty lately, so I think I'm due to write about some mom issues.

The last few days I keep stepping back from my life and going "wow, I can't believe I'm a mom!"

It seems a bit nuts to me that I have 2 beautiful boys, that I carried inside me for 9 months, birthed and have raised into healthy active children. I never knew I was capable of so much love, and I'm so lucky that I get to stay home with them and watch them continue to grow and become men. I can't wait for them both to be grown, I can just imagine they will be such tall, strong, good looking men that will hopefully be well adjusted, polite and full of passion for life. I don't want to rush anything and I get so sad when I look at how tiny they used to be (even Finn has grown so much!). I guess I just look forward to each and every stage!

I was thinking this morning about all the things that surprised me about being a mom. I had a particularly rough night with Finn, and while I was feeling pretty rough this morning, I started thinking about a list of "mom surprises" in my head.

Here is some of that list:

#1 The sleep deprivation! Before I had Gage, everyone used to say "sleep while you can, because you won't once baby arrives!" and I always thought to myself "oh whatever, I'll be home on maternity leave, I'll be fine with no sleep!". I was so very wrong. I'm much better this time around with Finn, but with Gage I did NOT handle sleep deprivation well. At all. I had 2 small kitchen fires because I was so tired, that could have turned into something MUCH worse. Just simply because I was too tired to pay attention to what I was doing. I heard a story once about a mom who came home from grocery shopping with her small baby and in the midst of getting the food out of her car, she locked the keys in the car with her baby. She sat on the hood of her car and cried for 2 hours while her baby slept, upset that she had done something so stupid. After she slowly calmed down, she noticed it was getting cold, put her hands in her pocket and SURPRISE, found her keys. That is absolutely something I would do. Hands down.

#2 How NO ONE listens to mom. This goes for my husband as well. I'll tell Gage "Don't do that" only for him to go "no" and leave the room still doing it. I tell him to leave our cats alone and to stop chasing them a MILLION times in a day, only for him to completely 100% ignore me. I'll tell Stu something, whether it be a detail about my day, an appointment in the coming week, or some plans we have for the weekend, only for him to completely not pay attention. A few days later he'll claim I never told him. It makes me want to smack my head repeatedly against a wall.

#3 How much breastfeeding hurts. I've had constant latch problems with Finn, and while I've tried everything, gone for help, watched videos and read article after article about what could possibly STILL be wrong almost 10 weeks after we started, my nipples constantly feel like they are going to fall off at any moment. Sometimes when he wakes up and is hungry, I cry and think "oh no, not again!" It is slowly getting better, but we still have some brutal days.

#4 How hard it is to find "me" time and how often I forget about my own needs. I'm awesome at going out somewhere and making sure I'm completely organized. Both kids will have all they need, be clean, have sippy cups full, extra change of undies, portable potty seat, extra diapers, receiving blankets etc. I'll have everyone with boots and jackets and mittens and hats ON and ready to walk out the door before realizing I'm still in PJ's, wearing slippers and haven't brushed my teeth and haven't eaten anything in 6 hours. Then when I finally do get some "me" time, whether it's going to the barn alone for a few hours (the best thing EVER) or just being able to sit and put makeup on, it goes by WAY WAY WAYYYY too fast. And then all too soon, I'm at home with 2 miserable children with 20 billion demands.

#5 How much patience is required to deal with an almost-3-year-olds everyday adventures. I've never ever been known for patience, at all. Some days I barely hold on by a thread and I wonder how bad it would be if I just lost my shit. Maybe then he'd listen to me?

#6 The cleaning. I'm a neat freak. I HATE a messy house. It's my THING. No matter how tired I am and no matter what is going on that day, I HAVE to at least clean the kitchen and vacuum. At least. It drives me nuts if I don't do something to clean.

#7 How frustrating it is when Gage is loud and wakes Finn up. Like 5 seconds ago. After a horrible rough night of no sleep, I FINALLY just got him to nap and it only lasted 5 minutes. Trying to not take that out on Gage is really really hard.

#8 How strong my stomach is now. I can change poopy diapers, get pooped on, wipe bums, change undies and bed sheets, pick up half chewed food with my bare hands and not even bat an eye. Only thing I can't handle is puke. That is Stu's job.

#9 Making dinner. I have no energy left by that time of day. As much as I would love to have a healthy and hearty dinner ready on the table for when Stu gets home from work, more often then not it's perogies, waffles or bagels. Even that sometimes, takes far too much effort.

#10 How hilarious it is when Gage has a huge tantrum in a store. He JUST started doing this, and is in the "I want" stage. Everyone stares. It's awesome.

#11 How heartbreaking it is when they get hurt and cry, or just get really upset about something. You know that "the world is ending" cry? It so hard to hear!

#12 Not allowing the tv to babysit. It's really easy to put the tv on and let disney junior or treehouse entertain my kid while I relax with a coffee. It's SO hard to get outside and go for a walk sometimes.

#13 How scared and panicked you get when it all goes quiet. Toddlers aren't supposed to be quiet, so when they are, RUN.

#14 How hilarious kids are. They say the funniest things! Gage told me last night while in the bath "hey mama, I'm touching my penis!" ...... ummmm okay? Or how easily they copy what they hear. Stu said once "I'm going to fart in your face!" (which was so not cool to say out of frustration, what came next was all his fault) only for Gage to go "no, I'm going to fart in YOUR face!"..... sigh.

I'm sure there will be many more, I'm going to make sure to add them as I think of them. I also asked some friends on social media to share what they thought as well.